[rainbow8]

Can anyone give me concrete examples of boundaries that you have? I'm not sure I understand what the concept means exactly. If, for example, I don't like to discuss religion or politics with friends, is that a boundary or just something I don't like to do? It's not something I wouldn't do, so it doesn't seem like a boundary.

I'm trying to figure out if I HAVE boundaries. In therapy, I don't because I'll talk about everything. My T has them about her H and looking up her family online but that's because she's the T and I'm the client. (trying to get accustomed to using those words)

But in everyday life, what are they? Do you mean like someone asking what someone's salary is and they don't want to say? If someone asks, is that crossing a boundary?

I was never taught anything about boundaries; it seems like something I should know but I don't.

I think different areas of your life require different boundaries.

For example in work- I don't talk about anything too personal with my boss. Here is an example:

"Hi jersey. How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?"

"Hey B, Nice of you to ask. I did have fun. I went to a party and saw a lot of old friends. How was your weekend?"

So you see-the question was answered without going into details about my personal life. A boundary violation would be something like this:

"Hey B thanks for asking I went to a party where I saw a lot of old friends and this person was so drunk she had to be picked up and put into a cab"

Do you see the difference Rain?

Another example is on PC. Some folks keep the boundary of keeping their identity complete anonymous. While others have no issue posting pics and videos. Some people hold a boundary of reading threads. Example: " No I'm not going to read so and so's thread because that persons situations usually trigger me" or if there are arguments going on in a thread you might say "No. I'm not going to get sucked into this.

You can even have boundary with your H. "Yes H I love you but I need time alone at the moment. Please respect that while I go lay down for a bit". Then if H calls or comes after you asked for quiet time-maybe you would assert the boundary by not picking up the phone, etc.

Everyone has their own boundaries in all different areas of their life. I know little to nothing personal about my T and I respect that's the way she wants it. I also hold boundaries to things I simply won't discuss. And T respects that.

Just a few examples for you.

[Chopin99]

Good answer, Jersey! An example of a boundary that I set with my mom: I told her to stop talking to me about her problems with my dad. When she said, "But with whom am I going to talk about it?" I answered, "I'm really sorry, Mom, but that isn't my problem. You just cannot talk to me anymore. I hope you find someone to talk to." She has respected that boundary for 6 months now (I'm proud of her ).

[BlessedRhiannon]

Boundaries are basically the guidelines you set for yourself as to what interactions you find acceptable. Every person has their own, different boundaries...some are perfectly comfortable talking about anything, and others have boundaries about talking about their personal lives or beliefs or whatever.

Society has "unspoken" boundaries...you generally don't talk about controversial topics in the workplace. You generally don't ask others about salaries. Things like that.

Here's a really good website which talks about what boundaries are and how to set them. http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/p...oundaries.html

I think, though, that you also have to realize that other people have boundaries that may be different from your own. That's what makes them "personal" boundaries. You might be perfectly comfortable sitting right next to me while carrying on a conversation, but my boundary is a minimum 2 foot distance. Sometimes, you have to be flexible with boundaries (like the distance you sit from someone...what if we all have to squish together for some reason?). And, some boundaries, you're just not willing to be flexible on (like your T talking about her husband).

For me...I have boundaries around things I won't talk about with others, distance boundaries (how close I'm comfortable being in relation to someone else), and boundaries on how often and and what times I will accept phone calls from certain people (like my parents).

[autotelica]

I don't know the difference between boundary and "I don't like" either. The "I don't like's" are easy for me to list. But my boundaries are so big and high that I can't even properly characterize them.

One boundary off the top of my head: my house. I don't invite people over to my house. My parents will say they are coming up to visit, but they know to give me 2 weeks lead time so I can clean up. And they know they can't stay more than a couple of days. But they (and my sister) are the only people who I will let in. So I guess you can say that I have a boundary line at my front porch. Once I'm on the other side, I don't want to see anyone. I don't care if you're banging on my door, being chased by zombies. I will call 911 for you, but I'm not opening the door.

[scorpiosis37]

I can give you some examples of my boundaries:

1. Physical touch. Unless I have specifically informed someone that they are allowed to hug/touch me, they are NOT allowed to do so. I am very selective about who I let into my "touch bubble." I like hugs/touch, but only from certain people.

2. Touching things in my house. When I have people over, they are not allowed to open closed doors, open cabinets, or open the refrigerator without permission. It feels violating when people touch my things without asking.

3. If I am at a cafe/library working, do not interrupt me or sit down and join me. This is a big one; I run into people I know all the time and they often want to sit and chat. But when I'm working, I do not want to be interrupted. I'm busy!

4. With my students, I do not share any information about my personal life. I may tell a funny anecdote about my little sister or tell them what I'm going to be for Halloween, but nothing of a truly "personal" nature. If they ask questions (which they sometimes do), I'll usually come up with something funny/snarky to say back. That usually works better than saying "no, that is crossing a boundary."

5. When I'm with my colleagues, I won't listen to or join in any negative talk about other colleagues. There is a lot of gossip in our department, and it's my boundary not to participate in that gossip. Saves me a lot of headaches!

6. Just yesterday, I set a calling/texting limit with one of my friends. I thought this would have been "obvious" but it was not. No calling after midnight! If I do not text back right away, do not "spam" me with more messages. I will return the text when I'm able to. I have a very busy job and cannot be checking/responding to texts that often.

With T, I've never had to set a boundary because she has never violated one. (And I've never violated one of hers). However, I do HAVE boundaries with her; they're just obvious ones that she would never cross. For instance, no sexual contact, no asking about my salary, no calling me after midnight, no giving me TMI about herself, no telling other people about my therapy, etc. It still counts as a boundary even if it's obvious!

This is a good post. I wasnt raised knowing about boundaries.
I have pretty good boundaries now, here are some examples:

Parents of my students are generally not allowed to call me on my cell phone. However, over the years i have given my number to a very few select parents of kids who had things like severe medical problems or severe special needs, because i wanted parents to contact me immediately if any emergencies came up over the weekend or over night.

I do not talk about politics with my friends. However, i will talk about it with my sister or husband.

I will talk about anything under the sun with my therapist. However i am very careful about what i talk about with other people.

Generally i have a big personal space. I stand/ sit about 3' away from other people. But with kids i will sit right next to them or hold them in my lap. With my T, she and i sit next to each other.

[blur]

i think boundaries are just limits and we all have them. rain, you've been given lots of good examples of others' healthy boundaries in this thread. the thing about boundaries is to not just understand what they are but to respect others' boundaries and have other's respect your boundaries. you may not like your T's boundaries but in order to continue in a healthy relationship with her you need to respect them as you have been with the not looking her family up on facebook. that is a good example of you respecting her boundary. you may not always understand her boundaries (and she doesn't really owe anyone an explanation of them), or like her boundaries, or agree with them (and i think it's disrespectful to try to talk people out of their healthy boundaries), but the one thing that is necessary to do is to respect her boundaries. i think learning about boundaries could really help you in your relationships.

Another thing about boundaries is that they can be flexible, and you are in charge of your own personal boundaries. They arent brick walls. My first t had boundaries that were more like walls, and didnt bend them even if a situation would have called for boundaries that made more sense.like my first t always encouraged me to help myself, which was fine. But one time at the end of my session i was getting very sick, and ran to the bathroom to throw up (flu coming on). T could have bent that boundary just a BIT i think, by at least bringing my my purse or walking me to my car to make sure i got there without falling down! But no, she had her danged boundaries. As it turned out i almost passedout twice and it took me a while to make itto my car. I mean,geesh, what would it have hurt, right? Anyway, that kind of thing happened often, her boundaries being like walls
Sometimes you just have to be a bit flexible.

[bamapsych]

Self-esteem Boundaries
Self-esteem boundaries protect your sense of worth. These boundaries help you feel good about you. What is the minimum you need to do to maintain self-respect? Perhaps you need to follow through on your promises, or maintain honesty in your life. What are the limits you need to set with yourself and other people to make sure your self-esteem is not compromised?
Body Boundaries
What do you need to do to protect your body? What physical limitations might you need to recognize? What standards need to be in place for you to protect your physical health? It could be that a certain minimum amount of exercise or a maximum amount of food or drink is required. It might mean you always honor regular health and dental appointments.
Energy Boundaries
Energy boundaries obviously protect the amount of physical and emotional energy you have to operate from. What energy drains in your life need to be eliminated or minimized? Which energy refuelers must be present to help you maintain the energy you need for your life?
Time Boundaries
Time is a precious commodity. Without the proper time boundaries, we lose something we can never get back. What non-negotiable boundaries must be in place to protect your time? What is the maximum amount of time you will spend on a particular activity, at a specific event, or engaging in work? Time management is all about having clear boundaries.
Space Boundaries
Our space includes any environment we spend time in. We need to protect our spaces so they nourish us and enable us to live our lives optimally. Pay attention to your needs for organization or beauty in your environments. How do you know when your housecleaning is "good enough"? What does the minimum and maximum state of your environments need to look like?
Money Boundaries
Just like time, we need money to survive in this life. Your money boundaries protect your finances. What are the limits you need to set on spending and saving? What is the minimum salary you are willing to work for? Consumer debt, for instance, is the result of unidentified or compromised boundaries.
Relationship Boundaries
What boundaries need to be in place to protect your relationships? Our relationships are truly our greatest gift in life. How much time do we need to spend to nurture our relationships? What limits do we need to set on our behavior in relationships? Boundaries help ensure our relationships remain healthy.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Can anyone give me concrete examples of boundaries that you have? I'm not sure I understand what the concept means exactly. If, for example, I don't like to discuss religion or politics with friends, is that a boundary or just something I don't like to do? It's not something I wouldn't do, so it doesn't seem like a boundary.

I'm trying to figure out if I HAVE boundaries. In therapy, I don't because I'll talk about everything. My T has them about her H and looking up her family online but that's because she's the T and I'm the client. (trying to get accustomed to using those words)

But in everyday life, what are they? Do you mean like someone asking what someone's salary is and they don't want to say? If someone asks, is that crossing a boundary?

I was never taught anything about boundaries; it seems like something I should know but I don't.

One of my boundaries is people placing papers on my desk at work when I am not in my office. I do not allow it as often they become shuffled into other papers. I require them to place things in my mailbox or on my chair. If someone does put a paper on my desk, I kindly ask them to put it on my chair or in my box and then explain why.

Another boundary I have is being friends with members of our board of directors on Facebook. I simply don't do it and when they ask I say no. My private life outside work is my own business. It's not like I am posting anything horrible or bad about my job, but it's nice to not feel like I am in a fishbowl.

[sconnie892]

Rainbow,
Have you read the book "Boundaries"? I started it but did not finish. I think Chopin may have read it. It does have a religious slant to it.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Great Post! I hate it when I am someplace, say the Dr.'s office, and there are open chairs and someone sits close to me. The same with at the movies. It's a public place, though, so I guess I can't ask anyone else to move, so I guess I can move myself? What kind of boundary do you call this, one that can't be enforced? I guess it's a boundary that I have to take action to keep, as in I have to move.? I don't know. Is this a different kind of boundary?

The replies have helped me understand a little more. I do know that therapists set boundaries, and most of them make me feel safer if they are consistent, but some therapist-boundary-setting is triggering and sends me into a state of distress. I have questions but might start another thread because I don't want to hijack this one

[Asiablue]

i get confused about how you're supposed to know what other people's boundaries are? I mean some are obvious and that's great, but i HATE inadvertently bumping against someones boundaries and them having to tell me so. I have really bad reactions to that, i panic and flood with shame.

My personal boundaries are

I do not talk about my sex life with anyone, it is no ones business. And i do not particularly want to hear about other people's either.

I do not answer my phone or door if i don't want to, that is my safe place and i don't want it interrupted. I prefer people to call before just turning up.

I can't think of any other boundaries i have.

[rainbow8]

I am very glad I started this thread and got such great answers. At first I thought it would be too embarrassing because everyone seems to understand except me. I've got to spend more time reading and digesting the replies, and will respond in more detail. I want to think about what my boundaries are. Thanks SO much, everyone. I have to make a note to get that book, too!

[Sannah]

I want to say more about the flexibility of boundaries. I have people in my neighborhood who I don't like or trust and I have very high boundaries for these people. I'll say some pleasantries and that is absolutely it with these people (and then I proceed to get away from them ASAP). With my husband there are barely any boundaries. I raise and lower my boundaries depending on the situation and who is around.

Some people do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all ( like when parents get old and " neglect their grown up needy (adult)child?). Those who provide supply/attention and don´t except anything in return ( T´s, parents when we are small children ) will be treated as if they are part of the person and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of some people there is no boundary between self and other.Great therapy material!
Good luck

[unaluna]

bama, great list of types of boundaries. I wouldn't have thought of those things, but it explains a lot for me.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I was never taught anything about boundaries; it seems like something I should know but I don't.

I know absolutely nothing about my t's therapy boundaries. All I know is that she has told me that she will tell me if she can't/wont answer my question.

Personal boundaries for me are: I will not talk about my therapy or my disorders to anyone who doesnt have a legit reason to know. I will politely tell them that I do not want to talk about it. I also dont like to talk about my family. That is another thing that is sort of "off limits". But other than that, I dont really mind.

[peaches100]

I had to set a boundary with my father in-law to stop unlocking our door and walking right into our house. (My fil worked with my h, and had a key to our place. One day, he walked right in while i was dressing for work and almost saw me without clothes!)

I also had to set a boundary with my mil, asking her to stop cleaning my house, or planting things in my yard, when she was staying at our place to babysit our dog. I didn't use to mind her cleaning for me, but later decided it felt invasive. Also, it progressed to other things, like her painting my fence out front, when i asked her not to, while i was on vacation. So I had to start setting some boundaries.

It created hard feelings when i set these boundaries but they finally complied.

However, a third boundary I set was asking my in-laws to call first before they come over. Sometimes, my fil does, sometimes now. My mil won't call first. She says "I don't have to call first to come visit my son!"

So far, I've let it go. . .but still think she should respect my boundaries. My in-laws are so lax with boundaries that it's probably a good thing I got them to agree to the first two boundaries.

[venusss]

Can anyone give me concrete examples of boundaries that you have? I'm not sure I understand what the concept means exactly. If, for example, I don't like to discuss religion or politics with friends, is that a boundary or just something I don't like to do? It's not something I wouldn't do, so it doesn't seem like a boundary.

Not a boundary. It's just... some social contract thing... but that goes "don't discuss these concepts with strangers". I discuss religion and politics with friends. If we weren't to discuss these things, we'd be a real quiet bunch. With friends you can discuss things that you both want. And politics and religion in general are not private topics. In my country it's more private then in the USA (we don't have bumper stickers advertising whom we vote for... but among friends, we usually share. ON workplace? sometimes not).

But "I don't wanna talk about it" is sorta a boundary. For me boundary is "I am not gonna talk my sex life in crude details with you, stop asking".

My mother has very skewed concept of boundaries. When I was child and teenager she asked me "why I cannot read your diary?". I think for 90% of population the answer lies within the word "diary" (aka something private. That's why they sell diary books with damn key).


I'm trying to figure out if I HAVE boundaries. In therapy, I don't because I'll talk about everything. My T has them about her H and looking up her family online but that's because she's the T and I'm the client. (trying to get accustomed to using those words)

With facebook it's complicated, because it's "public". But most people don't appreciate strangers and non-friends going on their profile and "stalking" them, since it's "for friends".

But in everyday life, what are they? Do you mean like someone asking what someone's salary is and they don't want to say? If someone asks, is that crossing a boundary?

Um, yes. It's also a social contract you don't ask for salary. It's private private private, damn private.

I was never taught anything about boundaries; it seems like something I should know but I don't.

Yeah, getting into other's lifes can be annoying. My dear mother, as much as I love her, does this and it's damn annoying. My roommate would do this (she'd peek over my shoulder to my screen and then tell my she loves Bing Bang theory as well or my friends are good looking. DAMNIT, IF YOU SNEAKY, AT LEAST HIDE IT).

Basically, private lifes are like houses. Some people are like a public library, but even in those you still need a permission to get in there and read the books. You don't get in without being invite. You don't mess with their settings. If you don't like how they do things, unless it hurts you, it's their damn thing.

[Brightheart]

I have thought of boundaries as being like fences. It's up to you who is allowed in and how close you'll allow them. It's also a definition of where you end and another person begins. Some of my problem was with allowing others to invade my space. I wasn't sure why I felt uncomfortable at the time, but now I know it was because they'd crossed my boundaries. I think defining our personal boundaries can help us to have a clearer sense of self and to better assert our needs.

[EeyoreSmile]

My boundaries are becoming more firm as I work through therapy. I have removed the people from my life who didn't respect my boundaries, or who kept telling me I am crossing their boundaries, and now I surround myself with people who have similar boundaries to me... where we can discuss anything and everything, where we both enjoy physical touch, where we enjoy playing and working, where we can call one another whenever.. and understand if we don't wannna talk at that moment..

My main boundaries are governed by my desire to not feel insecure. If someone makes me feel insecure in my relationship, then I back away. If I feel like I am on eggshells and overthinking what I type, write, say, share,.. then I keep it moving.. because I dont want to feel that way. and I shouldn't... and certain people/behaviors trigger that within me.. so I stay away.

Other stuff... I don't care... and I'm trying to define my boundaries so I don't make people feel bad... because generally I like a good laugh.. and I hate sometimes that choose a good laugh over other people's comfort... but that's how it was in my family.. and with my friends... but for others it shouldnt be no holds barred.

And last.. Don't take my seat... i hate it when peopel sit in my seat at lunch.. I sound like I'm 5.. but hey.. it's my thing.

I was raised to have good boundaries - maybe too good - and be well mannered and polite and not intrude on anyone's space or ask their business. The problem with that for me is that although that's fine and appropriate for acquaintances and in the workplace and such, I never learned how to let anyone in and always kept everyone at arm's length, and so making CLOSE friends has been very difficult for me, because I don't know if/how/when/how far to let those fences down.

Me and T had no 'boundary' issues for a long long time - over a year - because I never pushed them. The safer I have felt in therapy and the more she has encouraged me to take down the 'brick wall' and be my 'true self', and the more I have trusted her and relaxed and become attached, that's when I've tested/pushed boundaries with her more - emailing her, the odd phonecall, asking for hugs... things I was always far too afraid to do/ask for. Now I feel like I have to learn the limits (never a problem when I didn't get close to anyone) and not go too far. I think for most people this is a process you would naturally go through as a child with parents/caregivers - testing where the limits are. First time around I mustn't have got very far at all!!

Everyone's boundaries are different, like my T says, 'everyone has their own rules for living', and I think the key is being attuned to other people. Emotional intelligence? I think, for example, that's maybe why I've noticed I haven't always got hugs off friends/workmates/classmates/etc although they happily hug others, because they maybe sense my discomfort with closeness on some level. The unfortunate thing is that it's not that I haven't wanted a hug (or to be closer to them), but when you grow up not giving/receiving hugs it's not something that comes naturally and I suppose there is some anxiety there about it.. but then of course when I don't get a hug and others do I take it personally and think I must be disgusting or repellent, when I think actually people are just trying to respect where they think my boundaries are, as they probably perceive me as stand-offish or aloof or cold... and perhaps I have been! I'm working on it.

I think they're kind of unwritten rules... a lot of people probably don't think about them or aren't really consciously aware of where all of their boundaries are? And they will change depending on the people and situation concerned. I think it's only something that tends to come up when someone feels uncomfortable and they feel like the other person needs to 'back off' - whether it be a stranger standing too close in a queue, maybe someone at a party who's had a few drinks and becomes a little 'in your face', excessive contact by txt or phone or email... ('Bug a boo' by Destiny's Child comes to mind! )

Interesting thread, Rainbow, you got me thinking...
I think it's something that can be quite complex - and potentially confusing (like when T isn't consistent!! )

[Butterflies Are Free]

One of the ways I try to learn about another person's boundaries is by asking:
"Would it be okay to give you a hug?" or, "What time is considered too late to call you?". Everyone has different personal boundaries and I do agree that for some folks, they like to have flexible boundaries. My T has flexible boundaries about some things but will always tell me if she is not able to be flexible. I try to respect that because I care about her and I know that the boundaries are in place for both of us. I also think it is okay to talk about boundaries - I used to think that was a "bad" word, but it's really not. I have an easier time respecting other people's boundaries than I do setting my own, although I am fairly flexible with many things. Just keep practicing...