Control of yourself in Therapy

I guess I may not be as easy to read as some. But the thing is I TOLD her - the woman should listen to me.

I think she is listening to you, but can't simply accept what you say as the entirety of your feeling--because it rarely is in therapy. I think you mentioned you rarely look at her, so her words and tone of voice would be all you have to go on. Do you accept her words at face value? Or do you silently interpret them within your own paradigm? It seems like this is what you leave her to do.

How is sad not direct? Why would I admit to being sad if I was not? Who pretends to be sad? Sad is horrible. If I was going to pretend to be something I would choose not sad or hurt or any of those. I would choose the good ones. This whole concept just baffles me. If someone tells me they are sad or any other thing I do take their word for it. I assume they are telling me the truth about how they feel. I am completely baffled.

The other one I see got all excited once when she she said I showed frustration. I truly don't know what I did differently that time from all the others.

It isn't about true or false, or truth vs pretending. Your idea of what sadness means and feels to you could be very different from what sadness means and feels to me. There's not just one version of sad. But how is your T to understand what you mean and feel when you say you're sad, especially with no showing iof the emotion in your face, etc ?

Emotions are bigger and more varied than a simple word.

I don't know, but my guess is that you felt it more powerfully and so were less contained in expressing it?

She is supposed to understand because I told her. It doesn't matter. I have not made that mistake again.

Lola, I've read your post a few times and have not been quite sure about what being in control or not being in control means. That word, "control", kind of rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why. I read further in your thread, and it seemed some people equated not being in control with being vulnerable, and I liked this wording much better. When I think of not being in control I think of being trapped and helpless or alternatively, having a temper tantrum. This is not pretty in an adult! I don't feel trapped and helpless in therapy and I would never have a temper tantrum there, so at first I thought I am in control. But I am vulnerable with my T all the time, so in that sense, I don't have control? I find what you wrote confusing. I have cried many times in therapy and the tears are not something I can hold back. And T encourages me to let the grief out. I also cry at movies and funerals... I definitely take the lead in what we talk about in therapy, so I am in control? But this is the way my T does therapy. I didn't know there was a choice. (I think he would just sit there and wait patiently if the client didn't choose a direction.)

The idea that there is a link between control and connection is interesting!. If I use the definition that no control = vulnerability, then with my current T, I have been vulnerable and we have a deep connection and I am attached to him. With my first therapist, I certainly cried there, but I was not connected to her at all and not attached. I cried because I was so depressed and unhappy. It wasn't related to connection/attachment at all. I didn't need a person to be present to cry--when I was super depressed, I cried every day multiple times with no one present, sometimes at the most inopportune times.

Given what I've written, I have no idea how to vote in the poll, so I didn't. With first T, I was "not in control" (cried, was vulnerable) and we had no connection. With current T, I am "not in control" and we have a connection. It is interesting to me that both of those choices are the least faves in the poll. And the way it was with my first T is the poll option that only one person voted for. So it is not common to be vulnerable and have no connection? Interesting.

You can certainly choose to continue this way, but it compromises your potential results.　

It makes me wonder what need is being fulfilled by continuing in this way.

There are other reasons to see a therapist than to be uncontained. It is talk therapy. I tried to talk about feeling sad. She criticized me. I now talk about other things.

Or maybe she didn't criticize you, but believing so keeps you from any risk--but also, any gain.

I'm not in T but I relate a lot to this topic. I always keep a tight grip on my emotions. I also have a flat affect. I show very little of what I'm actually feeling. I rarely let go when I'm alone and thats only if I can't keep a hold on it anymore, let alone letting go in front of people that's not acceptable. I've told my friend my worst stuff from my past and she says I always stay composed. There is several close friends/family that has never seen me display anything other than composed. So that would apply to T as well. I don't let go with someone I trust its definitely not going to happen with a stranger.

No. She did. She admitted it. I am not seeing a therapist because I wish to be less contained. It is not a goal of mine. I have told the therapist this.

What are your goals? (If you don't mind sharing.)

that would be me!! T says something and I take it in a negative way

and can take up to a couple weeks before I can stop myself and say to her, hey, maybe you meant this instead - ??

and the answer can certainly be yes.

I begin to think it's a defense as you say. No risk. and true - no risk, no gain. thanks FKM

I feel more in control when i am not attached to my t. However, I WANT to feel close and attached. BUT whenever I do manage to make myself vulnerable in front of her and feel comforted or feel a connection, then I feel out of control -- because it scares me too much and makes me remember and feel all kinds of scary need and attachment and fear feelings that are old for me and that i try to keep shoved away.

PS - So then I go back to disconnecting and feeling "in control" again.

You are reading my mind today.

I am in control and detached in my T, but only beause the Ts style isn't quite right for me. I too would prefer to feel close and attached. Safety is something I've yearned for all my life and I feel like I can't heal unless I experience that, and specifically, going through my past with someone safe who will remind me of my value and worth. But I know if I ever find that relationship it will also frighten me. I am afraid of it ending, or me doing something to annoy the person and they will run away. So, clearly, lots of work ahead.... with not being in control and attachment.