I have been lied to and betrayed by everyone in my life so i went to therapy. It is supposed to be a safe place, right? Ha, what a joke they are all just liars, they don't care if i live or die. I hate them all.

[BonnieJean]

do you want to share what happened, button?

button is this a skewed perception of an event?

Button, your T is trying to get you to save your life by getting medical help. That IS caring, maybe not in the way you can see it right now, but she seems to absolutely care if you live or die. Your thinking is really not clear right now which is another strong sign that you need to seek the help she is asking you to seek. Please seek that help.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by button30

I have been lied to and betrayed by everyone in my life so i went to therapy. It is supposed to be a safe place, right? Ha, what a joke they are all just liars, they don't care if i live or die. I hate them all.

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Button30, I don't know much but I know you offered me excellent advice in telling me about the "Karpman Triangle". You also offered your empathy in my thread about loving my T. YOU are a good person and I'm so sorry that you feel so ashamed and bad about being gay. Your preference for a partner in life should not be embarrassing. Do you have any gay friends? It may help to talk to other people who share your struggles. I can't say I understand because I am not in the same boat. However, I am in a different boat where people are not accepting of me. It is a hard and extremely painful place to be. But you can rise above this. You are better than the ones that lied to and betrayed you all your life. YOU are better because you would never do that to them!!

I don't know the benefits/side effects of medication. Perhaps if you can take a time out from the pressures you are under and do something to get out of your head for awhile it might help? Maybe you can discuss further with your T about whether medication is right for you. Tell her about your reservations and listen to why she thinks you need it and what benefits she thinks you will derive from it. I've also felt that my T didn't care if I lived or died but my feelings have changed after more sessions with him and actually asking him more about what he thinks of certain things. I kind of was assuming a lot that I shouldn't. I'm telling you this because I don't have anything more constructive to offer and I care about you. I hope you hang in there and hold onto a dream of better days and better people to come.

Originally Posted by button30

I have been lied to and betrayed by everyone in my life so i went to therapy. It is supposed to be a safe place, right? Ha, what a joke they are all just liars, they don't care if i live or die. I hate them all.

That limits you rather.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

button is this a skewed perception of an event?

Absolutely not. It is what happened and it is the truth.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Button, your T is trying to get you to save your life by getting medical help. That IS caring, maybe not in the way you can see it right now, but she seems to absolutely care if you live or die. Your thinking is really not clear right now which is another strong sign that you need to seek the help she is asking you to seek. Please seek that help.

My thinking is not straight. I can't think about the next hour let alone tomorrow. She doesn't care and I don't care if she cares anymore, I dont care about anything. Thank you for your advice

Originally Posted by Michelle25

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Button30, I don't know much but I know you offered me excellent advice in telling me about the "Karpman Triangle". You also offered your empathy in my thread about loving my T. YOU are a good person and I'm so sorry that you feel so ashamed and bad about being gay. Your preference for a partner in life should not be embarrassing. Do you have any gay friends? It may help to talk to other people who share your struggles. I can't say I understand because I am not in the same boat. However, I am in a different boat where people are not accepting of me. It is a hard and extremely painful place to be. But you can rise above this. You are better than the ones that lied to and betrayed you all your life. YOU are better because you would never do that to them!!

I don't know the benefits/side effects of medication. Perhaps if you can take a time out from the pressures you are under and do something to get out of your head for awhile it might help? Maybe you can discuss further with your T about whether medication is right for you. Tell her about your reservations and listen to why she thinks you need it and what benefits she thinks you will derive from it. I've also felt that my T didn't care if I lived or died but my feelings have changed after more sessions with him and actually asking him more about what he thinks of certain things. I kind of was assuming a lot that I shouldn't. I'm telling you this because I don't have anything more constructive to offer and I care about you. I hope you hang in there and hold onto a dream of better days and better people to come.

Thank you Michelle, your post brought tears to my eyes. I am really struggling with myself lately and its nice to be appreciated. Often times I feel as though I am alone a ghost wondering around the earth and often I think maybe I am dead maybe I did kill myself and this is my punishment to roam the earth alone forever.

Originally Posted by button30

My thinking is not straight. I can't think about the next hour let alone tomorrow. She doesn't care and I don't care if she cares anymore, I dont care about anything. Thank you for your advice

Apparently she does care. She texted you to check on you, and she really wants you to get help right now. And I suspect you do care or you wouldn't be so angry with her right now.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Apparently she does care. She texted you to check on you, and she really wants you to get help right now. And I suspect you do care or you wouldn't be so angry with her right now.

I do care but I wish I didn't. When you were suicidal what kept you going?
The reason I am still here is because of the shame it would bring to my family and friends and that they would forever think it was their fault.

Originally Posted by button30

I do care but I wish I didn't. When you were suicidal what kept you going?
The reason I am still here is because of the shame it would bring to my family and friends and that they would forever think it was their fault.

You know what kept me going? The MEDICAL care from by pdoc. My T honestly can't do much for me when I am that far gone. He repeatedly tells me to contact my pdoc and/or go to the hospital because I am in much too serious condition for therapy to really be of much help at that point. That is exactly what your T is doing; trying to get you to seek medical attention for you suicidality and severe depression. She is doing the right thing, even though you are unable to see it.

Once I contact my pdoc, he treats me by getting me stabilized medically. That generally takes a few weeks outpatient or a few days inpatient (because inpatient he can make more aggressive med adjustments, I can be supervised for my own safety, and I have 24/7 access to care). When the fog starts lifting and my thinking starts straightening out, I am finally back to the point where therapy is of use again.