My depression makes me see

I am depressed. What is bad about this depressive spell is that it feels like the same depression that brought me to therapy in the first place. I am suddenly "seeing" the same suicidal images and "hearing" the same repetitive nonsensical thoughts that I did almost 5 years ago. It's like someone hit the "reset" button on my brain.

I know it's probably a side effect of the medication I am on. All anti-depressants have this paradoxical effect, apparently. And even if it's not directly causing my depression, it's doing a whammy on me in other ways. I'm sure not eating very well and sleeping too much is not helping my state of mind.

I keep thinking about how stupid and ugly I am. How embarrassing I am. I know there's something good about me, but it all seems overshadowed by the shameful things.

On an intellectual level, I know it is the medication making me feel this way. But my intelligence is also providing strong evidence that tells me I am indeed a stupid and ugly (inside and out) person. How can I listen to one voice but not the other?

Maybe the medication is making me more aware. It is giving me the insight that I previously lacked. So this is a good thing, right? If I stop taking it, wouldn't that be me choosing obliviousness over reality?

If I tell my pdoc that the medication is making me depressed, he will not believe me. I told him that it has taken away my appetite and he told me I was wrong since it makes most people gain weight. It was such a painful dismissal of something I know to be true. So it seems pointless to tell him about something like this.

I don't know what's going on, but the "insights" aren't insights--they're disordered thoughts that are probably connected to the other harmful thoughts you're having. Don't believe them.
Hope you can feel better.

Actually, AD's don't generally have that side effect for most patients. It is a side effect seen most often in children and young adults, but even then it isn't a "normal" or common side effect. If you really do think the medication is bringing this on, you need to contact you doctor and report the problem.

Well, if you experienced these kinds of inages and thoughts prior to the medication, then it's likely not the medication - although the start up on these can be kinda rough.

I would refrain from judgement about anything medication related for 2-3 weeks. It seems like a long time, it may be worth the wait.

Auto, I don't think your medication could be causing these insights- true they can make you even more suicidal but they don't make you see anything. i am sorry you are beating yourself ipod so much but none of these thoughts are true its the depression talking. Please talk to either your t or your doctor.