[Asiablue]

I've been seeing mine for 15 months and i swear i can't think what my T looks like. I can remember her outline and colour of hair and vaguely what she wears but i can't remember her facial features... it's so weird.

[doyoutrustme]

I have the same thing, I told my T that also. I think it's because I make so little eye contact that I forget.

[skysblue]

I had that experience the first few months also. I'd even tell her that and I'd tell her that I couldn't remember what her office looked like.

What we've concluded is that I have not been very grounded in my life. I have a hard time paying attention to details of the physical world. I'm in my head to much - ideas, thoughts, concepts, feelings but little awareness of what's right in front of me.

PLUS, I think in session there is so much inner work going on that attentiveness to the therapist is too difficult for people like me.

We've almost reached the 2 year mark and NOW I can say confidently that I remember what my T looks like. It took awhile, though.

[Ike McCaslin]

I have the same thing with my Pdoc. Now she has her picture on her website, so I can go there to flesh out the details. But I don't really like the picture on her site.

[likelife]

I had the same experience for a long time. I finally asked my T if I could take her picture, which helped, though for some reason I felt kind of scared to look at it later.

[rainbow8]

It also took me a while to be able to picture my T when I wasn't in session, maybe about 6 months or so. Now I can see her face when I close my eyes. I think it's because we usually have a lot of eye contact.

[2or3things]

Yup...been there too. It took a very long time (like, 3 years) for me to remember what she looks like, and even now it's not consistent.

T's theory is that I have trouble with object constancy. Similarly, she noted the other day when we were talking about my trouble with endings/saying goodbye that she thinks that it's because when I was a kid there was nothing to "carry with me" (meaning I had no "good enough" parenting, etc. to internalize.) Now, I still don't believe there can/will be anything to internalize, thus the trouble with goodbyes, and probably the trouble with hanging on to images of her.

Anyway, I think she's right. But it does get better.

[fallenembers]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Yup...been there too. It took a very long time (like, 3 years) for me to remember what she looks like, and even now it's not consistent.

T's theory is that I have trouble with object constancy. Similarly, she noted the other day when we were talking about my trouble with endings/saying goodbye that she thinks that it's because when I was a kid there was nothing to "carry with me" (meaning I had no "good enough" parenting, etc. to internalize.) Now, I still don't believe there can/will be anything to internalize, thus the trouble with goodbyes, and probably the trouble with hanging on to images of her.

Anyway, I think she's right. But it does get better.

Same here. Does it get better?

[stopdog]

No. It has been over two years for me and I still can't visualize her. I would not recognize her on the street. I might recognize her voice.

Same thing here.and i have tons of pictures of my t-- we have pictures of us together, plus she texted some to me since she is so far away. There are seversl on my cell, on my facebook, a couple in frames, and one taped next to my sink. Yet i can barely picture my t. She says i havent learned object permanence yet.

I can visualize my t and the office that we met in weekly for the past little over a year. I've reached the point where I have internalized that "sacred space" as she calls it, and that's a good thing since we're doing phone sessions now that she's moved. When we were talking earlier this week I closed my eyes and pictured sitting across from her in her office and I felt like we were both actually there. the visualization/internalization thing was certainly not immediate though, I had to work towards that. The whole 'getting out of my head' thing... It's only been in the last couple of months that T has been telling me that she's noticed how calm and embodied I've been. So yes, yes, yes, it does get better.

[Miswimmy1]

She is in my thoughts almost 24/7. I imagine her so much. I'm a very visual person...

i could sketch him and his office from memory

[feralkittymom]

Strangely, I don't have a good visual memory, yet I remember most details of T and the various offices pretty well. I do have persistently odd distortions, however, in my memories of sessions in which I was dissociated; mostly deviations in our relative positions and the positions of chairs within the space. I know the reality, yet the visual memory remains distorted. I totally remember the sound of his voice though.

But though we've talked and e-mailed, I haven't seen my T in @ 15 years, and I'd like to see if he's changed much.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Strangely, I don't have a good visual memory, yet I remember most details of T and the various offices pretty well. I do have persistently odd distortions, however, in my memories of sessions in which I was dissociated; mostly deviations in our relative positions and the positions of chairs within the space. I know the reality, yet the visual memory remains distorted. I totally remember the sound of his voice though.

But though we've talked and e-mailed, I haven't seen my T in @ 15 years, and I'd like to see if he's changed much.

I am the same way as far as remembering my past T's office when I was dissociated. Sometimes I would see him as sitting far away from me, his chair was farther away than the time size of the room.

[fallenembers]

So how do we learn object permanence if we don't have it yet? I think about my T 24/7 but cannot bring up her image in my mind and she is the only thing that comforts me.

[sconnie892]

I am probably the complete opposite. I can remember what t looks like and many of the details in her office. I can remember the sound of her voice, color of her eyes, etc. But for me eye contact keeps me grounded in sessions.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I am the same way as far as remembering my past T's office when I was dissociated. Sometimes I would see him as sitting far away from me, his chair was farther away than the time size of the room.

It's such a weird experience, isn't it? I didn't seem to experience the far away sense, though I've heard that's common. Mine was very much relative position, like the office rotating 90-180 degrees. Feeling strongly he was to my left, but knowing cognitively he was across from me. And what really seems weird is that every time I remember these times, the memory is still distorted. It makes me really believe in the physical basis of memories in the brain.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

T's theory is that I have trouble with object constancy. Similarly, she noted the other day when we were talking about my trouble with endings/saying goodbye that she thinks that it's because when I was a kid there was nothing to "carry with me" (meaning I had no "good enough" parenting, etc. to internalize.) Now, I still don't believe there can/will be anything to internalize, thus the trouble with goodbyes, and probably the trouble with hanging on to images of her.

Anyway, I think she's right. But it does get better.

i like this, i think its very accurate. i can remember what she looks like now but for awhile i had a little trouble. i knew what she looked like but being able to pull the image of her in our session up was hard...i think because i would disassociate so much in session. i still do from time to time. there are sessions that were pretty deep and meaningful to me and i can still remember exactly what she was wearing and the look on her face when she said something but i cant for the life of me tell you much of what was said last week. do you think you disassociate asia?

[Rachel.i]

I've been seeing mine since Jan., and thought, sure I can visualize her. But when I just tried to, I can vaguely, but she's blurry. And I don't even know for sure what color her eyes are. (Now I have to pay attention to this next time).

I don't always wear my glasses across
the room from her, so it does make it harder to see her. But I also see her up close regularly, and I do make eye contact, so that's not the whole reason.

I can still see faces in my mind from childhood in such detail. Not being able to visualize people well started for me around my late teens.

Interesting question...

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Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It's such a weird experience, isn't it? I didn't seem to experience the far away sense, though I've heard that's common. Mine was very much relative position, like the office rotating 90-180 degrees. Feeling strongly he was to my left, but knowing cognitively he was across from me. And what really seems weird is that every time I remember these times, the memory is still distorted. It makes me really believe in the physical basis of memories in the brain.

THIS!! For me, it's like the whole room slides three feet to my left.

And in answer to the original question, it was a solid 8-10 months of therapy before I could remember what he looked like in between sessions. Even then I had to make a huge effort to look at him in session and consciously think, okay, he's mostly bald, he has dimples, he has great eyes and laugh lines around them, he . . . Later I could remember thinking about those details, but couldn't pull the pieces together into a picture in my mind for another few months.

[Dreamy01]

I'm exactly the same. such a poor visual memory that I can't recall her face from one session to the next.

I wonder why it's so common? Maybe it's the lack of eye contact related to trauma.

I remember what she looks like, and could recognise her right away if I saw her in town or whatever... but she's quite expressive and so from session to session sometimes I feel she can look quite different - whether it's her mood, or my perception, I don't know... sometimes different areas of her face seem more prominent/memorable... like one week I'll think how she has a strong jawline, another week I'll think it doesn't look particularly strong...

I don't think I'm making ANY sense whatsoever...

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by fallenembers

So how do we learn object permanence if we don't have it yet? I think about my T 24/7 but cannot bring up her image in my mind and she is the only thing that comforts me.

I don't know. My guess is that it takes time. I suppose as you begin to trust your therapist more, and if the relationship remains fairly consistent and stable, that it will happen. That's a good question, though. That was just a guess. I think it is different as an adult than as in childhood, though. We know how it is supposed to be (?) intellectually, but not (?) emotionally? It's not an emotion. I wonder? Is it a subconscious 'happening'? How does it all take place? I hope someone can answer this because I am really curious now.

[EeyoreSmile]

I remember ever part of my shrink's face. Her hair, her eyebrows, her hands, her jewelry, her height. Her everything. I have to focus on something while I'm in T.. so I notice the details. I know every inch of her office as well.