[Chopin99]

T was in a good mood today and I absolutely love it when she is. During my session today, she managed to crack on me, my H, his BFF, my boss, her clients (in collective), and herself.

Today was the first time I have gone to her office and not been nervous beforehand. I think that is a sign I fully trust her (in that she would never intentionally hurt me). Her office is truly a safe place!

She asked me how Thanksgiving went. I told her Thanksgiving with my family went great. The issue was the two nights before. I said my dog bit me, then bit my H. My H's best friend helped me with one of my other dogs because she doesn't tolerate having her nails clipped well. I managed to cut one beyond the quick and it would not. stop. bleeding. I said that H's BFF said that it looked like we had a cocaine party gone horribly wrong because I used flour to try to stop the bleeding, so there was white powder and blood all over the floor. I said I had a picture taken that night I wanted her to see on my phone. T said, "I don't want to see your dog bleeding." I said that part had been cut out of the pic. It was a pic of H's BFF on the floor holding the dog who was bleeding and my toy poodle had crawled up on his butt. She laughed and I said he sleeps in the bed with H and I and she said, "Well, apparently he doesn't like your butt or your H's butt. He prefers H's BFF's butt."

Today I found out that my position change (from a non-management, non-clinical role to a managerial, clinical one) that a coworker and I were supposed to be "eased into" within the next month is starting in full Monday. So I discussed my anxiousness about that, to which T said I was completely entitled. She said a huge change is happening suddenly, which she didn't think was fair to me or my coworker. I told T that I read him what she said about dealing with people and he said, "Hmmm...that's some pretty good stuff." To that, T said, "Oh, thanks 'boss'!" I said, "You have to realize that 'boss' is somewhat egotistical, so realize he was kind of saying, 'Good job, T'". She then patted herself on the head several times and in a baby voice said, "Thanks, 'boss', I'm glad you think I did a good job!" I said, "This job is going to make me crazy." She said not to beat myself up if I have bad days. She reminded me of what she told me a couple of weeks ago; she goes home some days saying "Everyone is crazy." I said I remembered that and thought it was funny, and even funnier that she told me. She said the last time she did it, she actually started hitting her head on the back of her chair saying, "They're all bat-s**t crazy. They're all bat-s**t crazy. They're all bat-s**t crazy." Which apparently got her H's attention because she doesn't cuss that much. He reminded her again that she better not tell any of her clients, coworkers, or anyone else for that matter. I laughed again and said, "I'm going to tell your H you told a client." She said, "But you understand, don't you, that I don't think any of my clients are crazy, except for "normal" levels of crazy, which we all are? It has to do with me, not my clients." I said I understood and I do. I can empathize with her on that one.

I then pulled out my shame book with my notes in it and said that I grabbed it before I left for work, put it in my briefcase, and never looked at it. I found a receipt where I went out to lunch with my boss and a couple of coworkers a couple of weeks ago. I said, "Oops, I was supposed to turn that in with a purchase request." I started talking about something else, then noticed that T was writing on her notepad. I said, "What are you writing on your notepad?" She quipped, "That you don't turn in your receipts on time." I gave her a sour look. She said, "That is serious. It needs to go in your permanent record." When the look on my face didn't change, she burst out laughing.

So I went on to tell her about the times I witnessed abuse in my group homes when I worked direct care and admitted that I was afraid of the two employees I witnessed verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from. I described the abuse I witnessed. Once again, she did not judge the fact I didn't tell. I told her that I knew I was forgiven by God. The Saturday I woke up crying for two hours was repentance on my part, for what happened at the preschool and also for this.

I told her that my mom was hypervigilant about any teacher being "inappropriate" with me. T asked if there was any reason she would; like if any of my teachers were accused of being inappropriate with others. I said that she started in on this my 7th grade year and no accusations were made against any teachers in my school until my senior year. T then wondered if my mom was molested or abused by a teacher. I said not that I knew of and I wasn't going to ask. T agreed there's no point in it now but it was good information to know in regards to what is causing my shame related to maternal touch.

Then I told her that I realized I am crossing her time boundary sometimes by trying to talk to her after we're done (nothing important, just shooting the breeze). I said that it is something I've done for many years, especially with people I like, and I wanted to work on it because it is a manipulative behavior. She said she suspected I don't want to leave what I consider a "safe place" and true growth will have occurred when I feel safe while in dangerous places.

Lastly, I asked her a question that came to my mind following my last session. I told her I was thankful for her this Thanksgiving, and she replied that she was thankful for me also. I asked her why she would be thankful for me besides the fact that I am a source of income. She looked shocked and said, "Is that what you actually thought; that that's all you are to me?" I said yes. She said, "I've always been thankful for you. You are a precious human being. You have challenged me, taught me lessons I needed to learn, you've accepted me for who I am (then she choked up). I am honored by you! You've been so generous to me and you're very kind to me. I am grateful for those things, and those things are you."

Then she shocked me by almost saying something I've always suspected, but she stopped short (remember I have my own clients...and my own favorites). "Well, you know how certain clients just...and, well, um, you love each client in a different way because each one is unique and..." She trailed off. Good catch, T.

I teared up in the car afterward. I've thought for a long time that I was a favorite, but she's never said why she is thankful for me...and I know she's sincere.

[feralkittymom]

That's a really nice feeling to have. But, you know, I don't think you weren't nervous because of finally realizing you trust your T (though I think you do); I think it's because you're realizing deep inside that you can trust yourself.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I said that H's BFF said that it looked like we had a cocaine party gone horribly wrong because I used flour to try to stop the bleeding, so there was white powder and blood all over the floor.

Sounds like a cocaine party gone right.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Lastly, I asked her a question that came to my mind following my last session. I told her I was thankful for her this Thanksgiving, and she replied that she was thankful for me also. I asked her why she would be thankful for me besides the fact that I am a source of income. She looked shocked and said, "Is that what you actually thought; that that's all you are to me?" I said yes. She said, "I've always been thankful for you. You are a precious human being. You have challenged me, taught me lessons I needed to learn, you've accepted me for who I am (then she choked up). I am honored by you! You've been so generous to me and you're very kind to me. I am grateful for those things, and those things are you."

I wonder if this might be the key. I imagine she has been very afraid of her cancer and the consequences of her chemotherapy. Afraid of being treated as an invalid or an idiot. Obviously you don't make her feel that way, and I can understand why she might be grateful for that!

[Wren_]

a very good session lots of gentle teasing, deep work and great insights going on. Good to know also why she was thankful since you mentioned last time really wanting to know

Glad your session went so well! Your t sounds like a gem for sure! (as are you!)

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

That's a really nice feeling to have. But, you know, I don't think you weren't nervous because of finally realizing you trust your T (though I think you do); I think it's because you're realizing deep inside that you can trust yourself.

You know, I think you're right. I've actually trusted her for a long time (longer than I want to admit). I am the one I do not trust. As I gain more confidence and compassion for myself, I'm finding I trust myself and my instincts more. I'm going to explain this realization to T tomorrow. I think she will be thrilled.

Thank you so much for this!!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wonder if this might be the key. I imagine she has been very afraid of her cancer and the consequences of her chemotherapy. Afraid of being treated as an invalid or an idiot. Obviously you don't make her feel that way, and I can understand why she might be grateful for that!

You may very well be right. This time last year, she told me I was one of a very few outside her family she showed her bald head to. I believe the only client, perhaps the only person ever in that building. She would close the door when she showed me. She told me many of her friends were "grossed out" or embarrassed by seeing her bald head...or even if her wig was just crooked!!

One thing my clients have taught me is that all have inherent worth and odd looks, eccentricity, and "differentness" is okay. Apparently I accepted her when her own friends did not and maybe when she didn't accept herself.

[granite1]

can i have your T will you share

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by granite1

can i have your T will you share

Of course! I'll share her with anyone...she is great!!