I have been thinking a lot lately about this. I am seeing a lot of progress in regards to self development and I am calmer and more rational since starting therapy two years ago. I don't let the same things bother me as I used to and tend to look after my own needs more BUT I can't help feeling lately that I want to end therapy because I am afraid of getting hurt again like I did with last T.
My new T is old T s supervisor and I am sure she probably advised old T to terminate me so it feels hypocritical of her to be giving me therapy now.
Also I am becoming really attached to this T and developing feelings towards her so I am thinking maybe I should quit while I am a head before I get too attached to her.
T seems to be very trusting towards me too, she tells me things about her personal life, maybe she tels everyone I don't know but it feels more like a friendship sometimes where as old t was cold and distant, I knew nothing about her after a year and a half. Current T tells me why she is off next week, wedding..where she went on holidays. What her children do. She tells me way too much
Maybe I am self sabotaging here I don't know anything for sure anymore.

[Miswimmy1]

I am sry that there is so much vacillating going on for you

I dont really hav any words of wisdom for you, but I do think its a good thing that you are posting here and trying to sort out your feelings. This sounds like a difficult place to be in. Sometimes, when I am trying to make an important decision, I write down the pros and the cons on a piece of paper, just so I can weigh the options right in front of me, without it all tumbling around in my brain. sometimes, I see something that I didn't really think about before. Maybe you could try that?

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I am sry that there is so much vacillating going on for you

I dont really hav any words of wisdom for you, but I do think its a good thing that you are posting here and trying to sort out your feelings. This sounds like a difficult place to be in. Sometimes, when I am trying to make an important decision, I write down the pros and the cons on a piece of paper, just so I can weigh the options right in front of me, without it all tumbling around in my brain. sometimes, I see something that I didn't really think about before. Maybe you could try that?

Thanks miswimmy, that is good advise. I will write out a list of pros and cons and maybe things will be clearer now. Everything is so confusing lately.

Wasn't it just a week or so ago that you were suicidal, considering the hospital? You just started meds, right? This is NOT the time to quit therapy; right now therapy is vitally important. Stop your running. Settle in and do the work that therapy is. Didn't you just post about your T saying it was time to dig deeper into your issues? Is that what you are running from? Sounds like you need to discuss these fears with your T, get past them, and continue working on you.

[Miswimmy1]

I didn't realize your history until Farmergirl pointed it out. I went back and thought about it, and yes, I agree that now is not the time to quit. I would think long and hard about why it is you are trying to get out of it, and what exactly you are trying to get away from. i would make the decision that is best for your health... not just go with your feelings.

[ECHOES]

button30, by any chance could this be a reaction to "T wants to go deeper"? That is both exciting and scary to consider. Anything new seems scary, and this, too.
It's possible to do both - to go ahead and go deeper, and to hold onto the comforting/relieving thought of leaving. Maybe the thought that you can leave reminds you that you have power, and you won't be stuck/trapped.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Wasn't it just a week or so ago that you were suicidal, considering the hospital? You just started meds, right? This is NOT the time to quit therapy; right now therapy is vitally important. Stop your running. Settle in and do the work that therapy is. Didn't you just post about your T saying it was time to dig deeper into your issues? Is that what you are running from? Sounds like you need to discuss these fears with your T, get past them, and continue working on you.

I have been on my meds for two weeks now and feel so much better emotionally. I feel like I can deal with anything myself.I did post about T wanting to go deeper and I am afraid of my feelings towards my ex they might get all stirred up again. i am all over the place lately but inn much better place than two weeks ago.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

button30, by any chance could this be a reaction to "T wants to go deeper"? That is both exciting and scary to consider. Anything new seems scary, and this, too.
It's possible to do both - to go ahead and go deeper, and to hold onto the comforting/relieving thought of leaving. Maybe the thought that you can leave reminds you that you have power, and you won't be stuck/trapped.

It could be a reaction Echoes and thank you for pointing that out. i am so scared of goingdeeper and dredging up all those emotions the very things that make me suicidal. Its not about power with me well maybe a little. Maybe i want control of my own life again.

[SallyBrown]

Button, two weeks is not a very long time to be on meds. It can be a while before your mood evens out to where it's going to be more long-term. I think for that reason alone it's a good reason to check in with a T to make sure nothing is going awry.

And besides that... wasn't it T who suggested the meds which are now helping you? I actually don't quite remember, but that's what's coming to mind now.

I feel for you, Button. I think everyone here with depression can totally relate to that feeling of, "I've been fine for two weeks, I don't need to do anything anymore." Nope. That's like saying, "I've been dieting for a year and I lowered my cholesterol; now I can eat whatever I want." Depression and grief are about maintaining a lifestyle that is going to get you there, and it's a long road. Things WILL suck in T sometimes. But I think they'll suck a lot more without.

Plus, I think a lot of this has to do with your ex. You really really need to find your way to the other side of this. It's not fair that you have to do it alone, but you can do it with your T. And I think wanting to run from your T is a manifestation of what's going on with your ex... you're trying to leave before someone can hurt you. I think it would help you an awful lot to stick it through and learn to tolerate and manage your fear, so that you can do that in your dating life.

Thought of you this weekend and wondered how you were doing. I'm so glad you're feeling better and that meds are helping. I hope you can continue to stick with the things that are helping you.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by button30

It could be a reaction Echoes and thank you for pointing that out. i am so scared of goingdeeper and dredging up all those emotions the very things that make me suicidal. Its not about power with me well maybe a little. Maybe i want control of my own life again.

Going deeper is also very interesting and freeing too. Why not first talk to your T about going deeper and what it means, and what your expectations are?

I just meant that if you feel that going deeper is too vulnerable, then holding on to the thought that you can quit is a way of reminding yourself that you do have that power.

[Wren_]

((((button)))) i really agree with the recommendations for you to stay in therapy; whether it's with this T or with someone else ... it really does sound like you could use the support and help; and that digging deeper post sounded just what was needed; you don't want to eat chocolate if it will kill you right? so this is a way of learning not to do that ... if you are concerned about T's boundaries and self disclosure please bring that up with T rather than solve the problem by leaving therapy instead

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Button, two weeks is not a very long time to be on meds. It can be a while before your mood evens out to where it's going to be more long-term. I think for that reason alone it's a good reason to check in with a T to make sure nothing is going awry.

And besides that... wasn't it T who suggested the meds which are now helping you? I actually don't quite remember, but that's what's coming to mind now.

I feel for you, Button. I think everyone here with depression can totally relate to that feeling of, "I've been fine for two weeks, I don't need to do anything anymore." Nope. That's like saying, "I've been dieting for a year and I lowered my cholesterol; now I can eat whatever I want." Depression and grief are about maintaining a lifestyle that is going to get you there, and it's a long road. Things WILL suck in T sometimes. But I think they'll suck a lot more without.

Plus, I think a lot of this has to do with your ex. You really really need to find your way to the other side of this. It's not fair that you have to do it alone, but you can do it with your T. And I think wanting to run from your T is a manifestation of what's going on with your ex... you're trying to leave before someone can hurt you. I think it would help you an awful lot to stick it through and learn to tolerate and manage your fear, so that you can do that in your dating life.

Thought of you this weekend and wondered how you were doing. I'm so glad you're feeling better and that meds are helping. I hope you can continue to stick with the things that are helping you.

Sally sometimes it is as if you are looking deep into my mind and can see everything I see....its scary how accurate your insight is maybe because you were on the other side of things that you can see it more clearly.
Thank you so much for replying and thinking about me, I know you are having a hard time of it lately so it it hard to support others. I hope everything is better foe you now?
I will see T tomorrow and talk about the need to run away. I told her last week that I wanted to move to America, she said I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and that running from my ex is not the solution and that I have just as much right to be here. I have been avoiding going out or even shopping in case I bump inot her. I feel like a prisoner.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Going deeper is also very interesting and freeing too. Why not first talk to your T about going deeper and what it means, and what your expectations are?

I just meant that if you feel that going deeper is too vulnerable, then holding on to the thought that you can quit is a way of reminding yourself that you do have that power.

Echoes, that is exactly it maybe I am not thinking of this but maybe subconsciously it is in the back of my mind. I don't mind being vulnerable but I don't want to let those feelings back in. I have worked so hard to keep them away.