Will anyone ever accept me?

So I got to know this really nice and sweet girl on a contact ad website, but of course as soon as I mention my struggle with finding my place in life and that I don’t currently have a job or go to college, she’s distancing herself from me.

Why can’t I find someone who’s tolerant, who accepts me and loves me even though I’m struggling? Someone whose support and encouragement helps me find my way? Is that too much to ask of someone? Life’s just not fair. I hate this.

I just want to be loved. I think I'm a good person and not undeserving of love. Why does it matter so much to people whether I have a job or a "secure future"? Just because I don't currently have that...does that mean I shouldn't be able to find a partner?

I wish my T would love me. She's encouraging and accepting, but she can't give me what I need. And I can't even get help from her now because she's on vacation.

I don't have dating experience, online or not. So please take what I say with a grain of salt.

When you are chatting someone up online, honesty is good...up to a point. In the early stages, people just want to have fun. They want to find out if a person shares their interests and if they have a good sense of humor. They aren't really ready to "deal" with stuff, you know? Even if it's inevitable that there WILL be stuff. In those early stages of the game, it's all about making a good first impression.

Once you meet in real life and discover if there's chemistry, then you can pull back the curtains a little. Because by then 1) the other person has invested some time and energy in you, and 2) they will have seen enough of your good qualities that they won't just assume you're totally messed-up.

If you start with the big reveal early on, though, you will scare people off.

Eventually, with enough effort and tough skin, you will find someone who will accept you. But there's a lot of trial and error you must go through first.

I understand that, but that's not really what was happening here. It's not that I shared too much "heavy" stuff and scared her off. She simply asked me what I'm doing for a living, I told her that I haven't figured it out yet, that I recently quit university and am currently in a phase of "finding myself". Nothing about depression or therapy or whatever else is going on. Then she said things like "I hope you're not one of those people who take ages to figure this out, you can't just wait for it to happen" and her answers became more brief and distant. And now I'm just scared that, if this were to work out, she'd put pressure on me to sort things out quickly and that would scare me so much.

I think it's definitely her not understanding where I'm currently at in life, and I'm just scared no potential partner ever will. (Unless I'd actively look for someone who's also struggling, but that's probably not a good idea.)

ok, i know how you feel about wanting t to love you... it sucks to know that they really can't. or if they do, they can't really tell you.

also, i dont think online dating is a great way to find someone who likes you for you. because a lot of things that make ppl like you, i think, are their perception firsthand of you, which is nonexistant in online chats... sure its fun, but they dont know you deep enough if that makes sense. so when you drop all these issues on them, they get overwhelmed, and distance themselves. they dont have enough to be able to step back and say, "but this person did x, even tho..." you kind of know what i mean?

regardless... you DO deserve to be loved. my advice is to try and put more effort into RL relationships. And to be patient. someone IS out there. u just haven't found em yet

"Finding myself" is a line people use. Like all lines, it has been used a million times over and therefore carries some baggage. So you've got to be more original. Let's say instead you said something like, "I don't know what I'm doing, but I like XYZ. So I think I'll put some energy into doing XYZ until I can figure things out." I'd be in more interested in this! I'd be thinking that even though this person doesn't have his or her ducks lined up in a row, they at least have some kind of plan and they know what they like. Winner!

(I don't think it's really possible to find yourself when you're actively looking for it. So if someone said something like this to me, I'd be tempted to have a discussion about what they mean, just to see how serious they are. )

Maybe think about it (if you can) from an outsiders perspective. Do you want to get into a relationship with someone whose life is falling apart? A lot people can't take that on when they already know the person, let alone someone online.

Why not?

Healing can occur in a relationship, finding of self can occur in a relationship, but that is not the main purpose of relationships.

What if you made the task of finding yourself to be your own task? What if you sought help in this task as needed, but not under the framework of a relationship?

I think it's definitely her not understanding where I'm currently at in life

Or, maybe she does and isn't interested.Doesn't she have that right?

It sounds like you're expecting someone to take care of you. It's the life task of each of us to make our lives, fair or not. Then we can choose to offer to share our lives within relationship. It sounds like your goal is to find the love you deserve (as do we all), but not what love you have to offer.

You say here that you don't think it's a good idea to look for someone who is struggling. Most healthy people are looking for someone who can take care of themselves emotionally and financially. If you are still trying to find yourself, maybe this isn't the time to be searching for someone to be in a relationship with.

You've gotten quite a lot of good feedback here. I've been divorced for over 3 years now, and people have asked me if I'm dating anyone. I told them that I need to get my life in order first before I can even think about doing that. I need to take care of me.

Of course, I understand the idea of wanting to be loved and supported while I'm struggling. My goal is to try to get that from friends (I struggle with reaching out and letting people in) while I work on me.

It has been a long time since I have dated and online programs were not around then, but one of the qualities that I find attractive in people is a passion for what they do, whether they are in school studying or preparing for a career or whether they are working doing something they enjoy. I like and am attracted to people who are into something, it doesn't matter to me if they are into selling handmade tableclothes on etsy or working as a neurosurgeon.

It is not that you don't have something to offer to another person in a relationship or that you don't deserve love, you do. But in the abstract a person without a visible means of self support and without intentions for this may be perceived as looking for someone to take care of them, to fit into the other person's life rather than creating a new life together.

It's just hard for me to imagine, at this point, that I'll get things together any time soon. I'm working on myself in therapy, but it's really hard. I can't even get a small part-time job or anything without freaking out over pressure and my fear of failing.

And to think that one of my biggest wishes, to find love, would have to wait until after whenever it is I get a job/career... that's just a completely heartbreaking thought to me.

One of you asked "would you want to date someone whose life is falling apart?" And, maybe I'm just hopelessly idealistic, but I'd like to think that I'd be able to, if I really liked that person.

Yes, maybe it's wrong to look for someone else to help me get my life on track. (That's probably also where my obsession with my T comes from...that I just want her to "save" me.) But I can't help but think how much happier and more confident I would be in a relationship, and that that might be a positive impulse to give me the courage to try a job or at least volunteer work or something. My T also once said something similar.

And I don't think I'm looking for someone to take care of me. I wouldn't let them earn money for us or anything. I just need emotional support, which I see as the first step to changing my life.

The first step? You can do nothing without someone else's involvement?

I think that you already are taking steps, such as seeing your T, towards changing your life.

If you choose to wait for someone else's support, you place control of your entire future into someone else's hands. How long are you willing to wait?

I don't think that you have to be completely together in job/career before you can have a relationship. There would be precious few relationships on earth if that were the requirement!

My suggestion, though, is to go ahead and continue to work on fixing yourself/getting help for yourself, rather than looking for/waiting for a relationship as a way to get help.

Consider also that relationships in which both parties have significant issues to contend with are quite possible. The relationship is two-way, and the help is two-way: the people care about each other, and they help each other.

Screenager... there are many types of relationships. Maybe you should concentrate on friendships that would provide you with emotional support and encouragement....

Reading this reminded me of something I was just thinking about myself...
Am I coming up with an "unlikely to happen in near future" requirement in order for something to happen so that I don't have to work towards it happening..

For me I always say "I have to be able to remember all of my childhood or how can I heal?"... I wonder if I'm using that as an excuse not to deal with the things I do remember...to not start...

So just a thought... by saying it would be so much easier to do this and this and this if I was in a romantic relationship... is that a way to just concentrate on not being in a romantic relationship and not have to work on the things ?

I think this is really smart advice. My H was my friend well before he was any romantic interest, and friendships can often grow into more.

Also, friendships can help build your "support" muscle so that you are better prepared to enter a more intimate relationship.

I thought your title of this thread says a lot..."Will anyone ever accept me?"... The first thing that came to my mind was something my T said to me... which is how do you expect other people to accept you if you don't have acceptance of yourself"...

Learning to accept yourself will go a long way towards helping yourself get a small part time job or volunteer without freaking out over pressure and your fear of failing. I'm not sure of your age but since you mentioned "university" and have "ager" in your name... I'm guessing you are a "young adult"... maybe it would be helpful to talk with friends and others about all the times they have failed at a job... or even times people have been fired from jobs... I'm not saying this to invalidate the fears but to show you that others have those fears... have had the fears come true and have survived it and learned from it and have other jobs and opportunities...

Do you have family or family friends who could set you up in temporary small job? Sometimes you just need one low pressure like filing/copying or office work job...that make you see that you can learn to put to work some of those skills you have been learning in T to deal with your anxiety and fears...

You've all given some good advice. I think I need to get away from this perception that a relationship will make everything fall into place for me, because it probably won't. I'll still need to work on myself, a helping hand won't just fix everything. And my insecurities won't just disappear if I have a partner.

I think I just need to do my best to work on both of these problems. To find my passion in life, and to meet new people.

It just gets so frustrating when you've always gone through life alone and you think it'll never change. But I don't think it's impossible.

A low pressure job really would be best for a start. I'll need to start with baby steps and then one day I'll probably be confident and positive enough to go to college again or learn another job.

But yeah, I've told myself that lots of times and then I always get scared before starting something.

Screenager, the hopelessness you are feeling is understandable, but don't let it overwhelm. Just take life a minute at a time and focus on the present, not on the future. The future will come in due time, and chances are you will be ready for it.

This is the hard work of therapy.... taking steps forward... trying new things... pushing through the fear...

You have a good attitude...its not impossible! hard difficult but doable...
you have alot of your life before you.... baby steps its how every adult starts out...

As someone who has struggled managing intense anxiety and depression, I would suggest that you consider if it would be better to heal yourself to a state where you are atleast slightly healthier before you look to find someone. Don't even doubt about your worth and if you are lovable. You ARE lovable just the way you are, just like the rest of us are. But, its important to remember that even if a person doesn't have any mental disorder, she might have her own baggage, weaknesses and she might not be in a state to manage our stress and anxiety or deal with it in a matured manner. Which is probably why they distance themselves. It doesn't in anyway reflect your worth or if you are lovable, it only reflects the other persons baggage and what they are currently capable of dealing with. Having said that, I know we cannot help connecting with some people or being attracted to some people. If that happens it happens. But, maybe you should reflect on where you are right now and if you need some more time to focus on your healing before you actively search for someone.