[hezaa82]

In my session today I was talking about all the problems I was having with forming successful friendships with the people in my life, as usual. There's a girl R who I've been trying to be friends with. My problem is I'm always too needy and want things to move too fast. I did that with R and I guess it's been a rocky friendship. I vary between trying to reach out to her and then not talking to her for awhile because I see she can't be available for me as much as I want her to be.

I was talking to my T about said that every time I see R it's hard to forget about all the disappointments and times I've been hurt. T said I'm attached to my pain and that makes sense. I understand that I do get attached to feeling bad. But I don't know how to let go of feeling hurt when someone has disappointed me. Pretending like nothing happened just doesn't seem right either... I mean when I see R of course I act like everything is ok, but those disappointments are in the back of my mind and make me feel less secure around her. It's not that I'm holding a grudge, but I don't want to disrespect the part of me that feels hurt if that makes sense?

Eventually being disappointed is something we reflect on for a moment then carry on. Others cease to have the abilty to effect how we feel. It becomes something they've failed to do and not something they've failed to do for us. We look inside not out.

[adel34]

Hi Hesa82
I can so relate to your situation! I have trouble with making friends for this reason too. I've always had trouble making friends, but I was especially disappointed when a group of about four or five people who I have gotten close to in the past couple years stopped talking to me when I moved states. I've tried alternately to reach out, and then stop, as you said because I know they can't be available for me.
One woman admitted that she's just really bad at conversing through phone or e-mail. That doesn't help when we're so far away with little oppurtunity to visit in person! Even though I know she cares part of me is still disappointed and hurt by this!
I don't know how to move forward either. Earthmama, your comments are interesting. I think it'll take awhile for me to get to that place of not having it affect me.

[Sannah]

I think that you need to discuss this relationship in detail in session along with your relationship patterns. This all means something and you need to understand it and get your feelings out in session. Look up anxious–preoccupied attachment, it sounds like you might have it.