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  #1  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 12:45 PM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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I know I haven't posted anything for a long time and I feel really nervous asking for support but if anyone could spare a hug I could really use it....

T today was awful, one of those snotty, shivering wreck sessions where I was totally out of reach. I left feeling like I completely contaminated her with my poison and feeling really unwanted, like she couldn't wait to get rid of me..... now I don't see her for nearly 3 weeks if I go back.

Sorry, feeling very sorry for myself and very alone.....
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
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  #2  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 12:46 PM
stopdog stopdog is offline
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Sorry it went so badly today. I hope the time passes quickly until you can see the therapist and hopefully feel better about therapy.
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #3  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 12:48 PM
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harvest moon harvest moon is offline
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Would it help you to let us know more about your session today? We are here for you...
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #4  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 12:53 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Lots of hugs, Nelliecat. Hope you're able to be gentle with yourself until the difficult feelings pass.
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #5  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 12:53 PM
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trdleblue trdleblue is offline
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I'm sorry that you had a bad session.
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #6  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 12:58 PM
Anonymous37917
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Nelliecat, I have had sessions like that. Afterwards, I discussed it with my T and he promised that he was not horrified or contaminated. Big hugs. Hang in there.
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #7  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 01:08 PM
Anonymous32716
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oh (((((((nelliecat))))))))

that is the worst feeling, and so hard to sit with when you know you won't be seeing T for such a long stretch.

Can you call for some reassurance?

I have had sessions where I have left feeling just totally guilty for contaminating T with me and my story....but T has told me over and over again that he sees ME, the me in front of him, and that there is nothing dirty or disgusting about me. He says he is honored that I share such hard things with him.

I bet your T feels the same way.

Safe to you
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #8  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 01:13 PM
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BashfulBear BashfulBear is offline
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I'll always have hugs for you, Nelliecat!
I'm really sorry you had such a rough session - hang in there, lovely. I care about you and want you around, and I'm positive your T does too. Although with emotions running high, I can completely understand how it might not seem that way right now.
If you'd like to (or need to) PM me and vent/chat, please do! I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes in your direction!
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'I also hate people who ask cheerfully how you are when they know you're feeling like hell and expect you to say 'Fine.'' - Sylvia Plath

Need hugs.....

Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #9  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 02:19 PM
Anonymous33425
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Sorry you had a rough session, I know how it feels to have a session like that - and just before a break, too. I'm glad you're back on the forum, you don't need to feel alone with this - and you know you can always PM me. Big hugs, my friend xx
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #10  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 04:05 PM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Thank you all so much I want to reply more but I feel absolutely brain dead right now. Just totally wrung out. I posted more about today on the 'survivors of abuse' forum because I wasn't sure I could put it here. It's helped just knowing you're all out there and I'm not so alone.
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
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  #11  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 05:00 PM
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Nightlight Nightlight is offline
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I think it's so brave when anyone goes to that place. I know the feeling of being shattered at the end of my appointment, left to pick up the pieces too. You will get through it.
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #12  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 05:13 PM
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WePow WePow is offline
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Big hugs to you! Maybe you can write it all out and put it in a safe place until next session? Allow yourself to feel all of this. This time of year is difficult for many survivors. You are not alone even though it feels that way.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #13  
Old Dec 20, 2012, 05:15 PM
Anonymous33340
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Thanks for this!
Nelliecat
  #14  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:37 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WePow View Post
Big hugs to you! Maybe you can write it all out and put it in a safe place until next session? Allow yourself to feel all of this. This time of year is difficult for many survivors. You are not alone even though it feels that way.
I actually thought I might print this thread out and the one on the abuse forum and take them with me if you all don't mind. I feel marginally better today, more numb than anything else and putting on my brave face as the kids break up for two weeks today. I have a feeling it will be a challenging couple of weeks....
__________________
"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
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  #15  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:39 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightlight View Post
I think it's so brave when anyone goes to that place. I know the feeling of being shattered at the end of my appointment, left to pick up the pieces too. You will get through it.
Thank you, although I feel so un-brave, I feel weak and pathetic but I will try and remember your kind words
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
  #16  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:41 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
Sorry it went so badly today. I hope the time passes quickly until you can see the therapist and hopefully feel better about therapy.
Thank you SD. I'm not even sure I want to go back but I do feel a bit better today.
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
  #17  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:44 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Originally Posted by harvest moon View Post
Would it help you to let us know more about your session today? We are here for you...
I really don't know.... It's harder to do that today because I've given all those feelings a good shove back down again But thank you for being there.
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
  #18  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:45 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by likelife View Post
Lots of hugs, Nelliecat. Hope you're able to be gentle with yourself until the difficult feelings pass.
Thank you, I'm really trying to be
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
  #19  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:47 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trdleblue View Post
I'm sorry that you had a bad session.
Thank you for thinking of me
__________________
"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
  #20  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 09:50 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My kids are cool View Post
Nelliecat, I have had sessions like that. Afterwards, I discussed it with my T and he promised that he was not horrified or contaminated. Big hugs. Hang in there.
Thank you, I sent t an emotionally charged text yesterday and she followed by leaving a vm telling me she promised to be there and we would work through this. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to hang in there...
__________________
"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
Hugs from:
Anonymous33425
  #21  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 10:06 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Location: UK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightsky View Post
oh (((((((nelliecat))))))))

that is the worst feeling, and so hard to sit with when you know you won't be seeing T for such a long stretch.

Can you call for some reassurance?

I have had sessions where I have left feeling just totally guilty for contaminating T with me and my story....but T has told me over and over again that he sees ME, the me in front of him, and that there is nothing dirty or disgusting about me. He says he is honored that I share such hard things with him.

I bet your T feels the same way.

Safe to you
I find it so hard to gauge how t takes all this, she's so poker faced. Thank you for thinking of me
__________________
"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
  #22  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 11:37 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BashfulBear View Post
I'll always have hugs for you, Nelliecat!
I'm really sorry you had such a rough session - hang in there, lovely. I care about you and want you around, and I'm positive your T does too. Although with emotions running high, I can completely understand how it might not seem that way right now.
If you'd like to (or need to) PM me and vent/chat, please do! I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes in your direction!
Thank you, I need those good vibes right now I'm really trying to manage it. I just told my closest friend about the csa. I was so scared she wouldn't believe me but it was so healing to share it with her so another step in the right direction. Maybe I will get there...
__________________
"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
Hugs from:
critterlady
  #23  
Old Dec 21, 2012, 11:40 AM
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Nelliecat Nelliecat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by just_some_girl View Post
Sorry you had a rough session, I know how it feels to have a session like that - and just before a break, too. I'm glad you're back on the forum, you don't need to feel alone with this - and you know you can always PM me. Big hugs, my friend xx
Thank you jsg, you're always there for me and I'm so grateful. I'm pleased I'm back too
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"Remember to look up at the stars, not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." Stephen Hawking
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Anonymous33425
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