In my last session this week T mentioned that we hadn't talked about the break. I looked at her still not sure what words to use and replied "no we haven't. I suppose I ought but not sure how I feel". T said "as if you have been dropped?" I thought about that and said "no, not dropped, more like having a door shut in your face". T said "like your mother did"

I thought about this with the angst when your feelings now are connected to a painful past which your subconscious doesnt want reminding of. So I simple said "maybe".

The session ended without me talking much more on that topic. That was Wednesday. This morning I awoke with that conversation in my head and images I have grown up with of the time my stepmother was breaking the news to me that she wasn't my mother, that I had another who was an alcoholic and had given up all her children playing in my head and then....wham! The anger! It was there. Not in an uncontrolled, let me take it out on someone else kind of way it was the missing emotion that is part of me and missing from that life long image.

T mentioning where my feeling about the break was stemming from this time connected.

As a young child I was to scared to feel anger when connected to my stepmother, to young to know I had an entitlement to feel anger at my abandoment.

[unaluna]

I swear I have a memory of thinking my mother was a lodger in our house and waiting for my dad to get home from work to tell him to tell her to leave, because she was mean to me. And him telling me she wasn't a lodger, she was part of our family and would stay. But here I was two years old and not feeling any connection. T and I were laughing about it because just to picture it! But as you say there was something missing. It's hard to see what's missing.