[roimata]

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right sub-forum for this question, and if it isn't, feel free to wag your finger at me.. but I'm experiencing something unusual in my sessions and I'm kind of nervous to bring it up with my T.

The last two sessions we've been doing some deeper work involving my childhood, and there's a certain word that my T uses that appears to "deactivate" me. I guess a trigger word is what you would call it. And when she says this word, a gravid feeling consumes my body and it's like I shut down. It's got some characteristics of anxiety in that I can physically feel it in my chest but it's more like my body is firing off numbing agents, if that makes sense? After a few moments of squirming with this uncomfortable feeling, my vision gets unfocused and it feels as though I'm backing out of myself, or sitting behind myself.

My T will talk and I'll hear what she's saying, but I can't/won't register her words and I struggle not to zone out. I liken it to sudden onset drowsiness or what happens when you're sleepy and reading a book, but not taking anything in. She'll say something or pose a question, and I can't physically make myself talk or answer her. I'm not sure if she's noticing me do this, but last time she tried to use humor to get a smile out of me and I just sat there. Deadpan. Remote. Unable to engage. Blank.

And after my last session (Thursday), driving home, I kept getting spacy for moments at a time. I'd be at a stoplight, then it's like I start daydreaming, and the next minute I'm down the road without having acknowledged my surroundings. It feels unsafe to be so reflexively listless.

I know I should probably bring this up next week to T, but I'm embarrassed and unsure how to address it. I struggle big time with issues of shame, and I'm not sure if I need to ask her to ground me before I leave or... what I should do? If this happens during one-on-one sessions, what's going to happen when I start group and there's a lot more stimuli and anxiety? Will I go into stimulus overdrive? I feel defective.

[Willowleaf]

I have a similar thing happen although not at a trigger word and I hate it although after a couple of years I am getting better at managing it. It's wired isn't it. I think my t sees it as a form of regression as she used to ask how old I felt and when I can't talk tends to think it is pre verbal. I am not convinced but she is great at getting me to wiggle my toes and be aware of my senses and helps me to try and stay more present, but there have been times I have ended up sitting in the car not able to move for ages. I know just what you mean with the driving so I try to stay put until I am more with it if I can. If not she suggested I keep sweets with a strong flavour in the car and these and air and sometimes music help to bring me round so to speak
I was lucky that she generally notices what happens and has helped but sometimes I zone out too much to hear her and leaving is really difficult. It sounds like you are working on some tough stuff and part of you is finding it really difficult. Try and tell her if you can as I'm sure she's seen it before. See if she can help you with coping strategies as I think it is hard to stop it happening so managing it for me is the best bet.
Not sure if that is very helpful and hope you manage to find you own way. Will be thinking of you

[Raging Quiet]

I do this to, sort of dissociating; it's usually because I find I can't process the things that I'm too frightened to talk about or that are buried deep inside...

((Hugs))

[Velveteen Rabbit]

The same thing happens to me when I'm driving. It's pretty scary cuz then u imagine what could've happened from zoning out. It's like your on auto pilot or something, your body's there but your mind is miles away. I hate it

I have had a similar problem during my sessions. I finally did tell my T what was happening and he has helped me get back and connected again. He also helped me get grounded before I leave. I would encourage you to talk to your T about it.

[roimata]

I have a similar thing happen although not at a trigger word and I hate it although after a couple of years I am getting better at managing it. It's wired isn't it. I think my t sees it as a form of regression as she used to ask how old I felt and when I can't talk tends to think it is pre verbal. I am not convinced but she is great at getting me to wiggle my toes and be aware of my senses and helps me to try and stay more present, but there have been times I have ended up sitting in the car not able to move for ages. I know just what you mean with the driving so I try to stay put until I am more with it if I can. If not she suggested I keep sweets with a strong flavour in the car and these and air and sometimes music help to bring me round so to speak

Oh definitely. The regression thing smacks of familiarity too -- we talked briefly about it two sessions ago but I was, again, way too afraid to open up about the extent of my regressive states. I'm trying to summon the courage to do this next week. Shooting her an email so she holds me accountable for bringing this stuff up might not be a bad idea, but knowing myself.. I'd just freak out about it until Wednesday.

I'm not big on candy but I'll keep mints or something on me to see if it helps. Thanks!

I do this to, sort of dissociating; it's usually because I find I can't process the things that I'm too frightened to talk about or that are buried deep inside...

((Hugs)

Good insight. I'm too afraid to process the hard stuff and compartmentalizing certain things that bother me instead of talking about them hasn't helped any. I hope you're able to overcome it, in time, too.

The same thing happens to me when I'm driving. It's pretty scary cuz then u imagine what could've happened from zoning out. It's like your on auto pilot or something, your body's there but your mind is miles away. I hate it

Yes, exactly. I think we need shock collars.

I have had a similar problem during my sessions. I finally did tell my T what was happening and he has helped me get back and connected again. He also helped me get grounded before I leave. I would encourage you to talk to your T about it.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm working up the tenacity to share instead of withhold this time.

I'll keep you guys updated, if you're interested. Thanks for your responses

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by roimata

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right sub-forum for this question, and if it isn't, feel free to wag your finger at me.. but I'm experiencing something unusual in my sessions and I'm kind of nervous to bring it up with my T.

The last two sessions we've been doing some deeper work involving my childhood, and there's a certain word that my T uses that appears to "deactivate" me. I guess a trigger word is what you would call it. And when she says this word, a gravid feeling consumes my body and it's like I shut down. It's got some characteristics of anxiety in that I can physically feel it in my chest but it's more like my body is firing off numbing agents, if that makes sense? After a few moments of squirming with this uncomfortable feeling, my vision gets unfocused and it feels as though I'm backing out of myself, or sitting behind myself.

My T will talk and I'll hear what she's saying, but I can't/won't register her words and I struggle not to zone out. I liken it to sudden onset drowsiness or what happens when you're sleepy and reading a book, but not taking anything in. She'll say something or pose a question, and I can't physically make myself talk or answer her. I'm not sure if she's noticing me do this, but last time she tried to use humor to get a smile out of me and I just sat there. Deadpan. Remote. Unable to engage. Blank.

And after my last session (Thursday), driving home, I kept getting spacy for moments at a time. I'd be at a stoplight, then it's like I start daydreaming, and the next minute I'm down the road without having acknowledged my surroundings. It feels unsafe to be so reflexively listless.

I know I should probably bring this up next week to T, but I'm embarrassed and unsure how to address it. I struggle big time with issues of shame, and I'm not sure if I need to ask her to ground me before I leave or... what I should do? If this happens during one-on-one sessions, what's going to happen when I start group and there's a lot more stimuli and anxiety? Will I go into stimulus overdrive? I feel defective.

As someone else mentioned, this is called dissociating. It happens to a lot of people, me included! I found that it was easier to tell my therapist that I have trouble "staying with it" or not "float away". I know it's dissociation but I don't like to use those terms unless my therapist first uses them and identifies it as that.

I have a lot of trouble talking or even moving when it happens. It really feels like you are getting sucked into a black hole! So know you aren't alone and that you CAN bring it up with your therapy.

[feralkittymom]

Definitely sounds like dissociation. It's a defense against pain or knowledge that you're unconscious self feels threatened by, or a defensive response to past pain triggered by some connection to that pain. The trigger could be a word, a sound, a sight, a thought or smell.

You really, really need to tell your T that this is happening. That you've noticed it in response to a specific word is terrific! This will allow your T to be alert for when this happens. You may or may not exhibit any signs. And it can happen quickly or slowly, which makes it difficult for you to notice or intervene by yourself. There's nothing to be ashamed about! It's an incredibly functional defense that has done its job very efficiently in the past; now the challenge is to get beyond/around it because you have other opportunities to deal with the pain that will make dissociation unnecessary. Your T needs to know because it will impact her decisions about how to best conduct therapy.

It's especially important to tell your T before you begin any group work. Many Ts feel that dissociative responses can be triggered excessively in group situations and that group work may not be in your best interests, depending upon the focus of the group.

I used to dissociate almost every session when I started therapy. I would become unnaturally still and be unable to speak. I also couldn't really understand what my T was saying, though I was aware of him speaking. It was like being under water. My vision became unfocussed, and I experienced spatial disturbances, like being "behind myself," often at a different angle from my T. My heart rate would rise, my breathing become very shallow, and my T told me my face would take on a mask-like look. The need lessened in proportion to the trauma processed during therapy. Now, it hasn't happened in many years, even in the face of triggers that would have prompted it in the past.

You are not defective in any way. Your experience is extremely common, your T should be familiar with it, and she will only respect you for bringing this awareness to her attention.

[mixedup_emotions]

You've gotten quite a bit of great feedback here. I can relate and have dissociated during sessions...even in group T, to a lesser extent.

One time, my T actually had to take me out in the rain in order to get me grounded. I, too, feel a lot of shame surrounding it, but T tells me that it is very common and very normal - and that it's a process to learn how to get grounded. He encourages me to work on paying attention to my other senses - feeling my feet on the ground, looking around the room and focusing on where I am, using my sense of smell or touch or hearing to know what's going on. It's difficult when you're in the midst of it, so it truly is something that needs to be practiced. Making T aware of it is the first step in working towards doing something about it.

Good luck!

[Perna]

I would discuss it with your T; when my T use to talk, sometimes it felt like she was firing darts at me :-) "zingers". See if you can get yet another side of you observing all of this that doesn't lose control, an over-archer self that can help you better understand what is going on. Discussing the word and how when she says it you feel funny, etc. with T should help you take back control and lose some of the "strangeness" for you. The dissociation on the drive home could be normal, depending on what you have been working on and what's going on with you; I remember one week I "came to" just as I was passing my exit and I was amused at the panic I felt (I was amused because I knew the area well and there were only about 10 ways I could get home from that spot so no need for panic), here was an automatic habit followed on automatic pilot broken, where was I/what do I do??? It's all "you" and all worthy of looking at in therapy with your therapist; I use to look forward to my dreams when I was afraid to go to sleep, I knew I'd learn something really interesting, that sort of attitude helps.

[roimata]

Oh wow, thanks for the feedback and positive vibes. Everyone is immensely helpful and I've arrayed myself with a modicum of courage to email my therapist this weekend letting her know what's going on. Trying to keep shamemonster on a short leash. We'll see how this goes

Oh, and be prepared for the embarrassment and feeling stupid the first few times the therapist actually tries to help ground you. As MUE mentioned, sometimes they will tell you to feel your ground on the floor, look around the room, etc. My T started talking in this super calm, soothing voice and he was telling me where I was, and even what day of the week it was. I was like, REALLY? The day of the week it is?? How pathetic am I?? But the reality was that I HAD totally lost track of exactly where I was and WHEN I was. Knowing it was Tuesday and I was in his office at 11 am and it was 2012 actually helped yank me back to myself and the present. I felt really silly though, and then T and I talked about that. As the others have said, it is a totally normal response to trauma that we developed for a reason. We can unlearn it, but it takes time and practice.

[roimata]

I emailed T on Sunday and she replied on Monday thanking me for sharing how I felt and how we would process what might have triggered it together. She later confirmed it was dissociation.

She explained it like my body was retreating to a safe place because it felt compromised by what we were talking about, and she also said she didn't want to re-traumatize me, but that if I'm reacting so strongly to even the mention of a particular word, then it might be valuable to talk through it, taking breaks to talk "fluff" as we go along so I am slowly confronting it instead of just hurling me into treacherous waters without any floating devices, so to speak. Not sure how I feel about it. We've got a lot to work on, I just hope she doesn't give up on me when I'm trying so hard to reveal these parts of myself to her.

MKAC, she did suggest feeling my feet on the ground, haha. I thought of you when she mentioned it. I felt so silly explaining what happened, and I was embarrassed to admit loss of control of my body. As the words "my body felt like it was backing into the walls" left my mouth, I thought, this is is it! I'm getting jumped by funny farm doctors when I leave! but she was very understanding.

Glad it's out there, though. She can't help me if she's not aware of it.

[skeksi]

Good for you for sharing your experience with T. I think you will find this disclosure helps you and T manage things a bit better.

[sugahorse1]

I do this too, and it can be very frustrating. I have told me T, and she's trying to keep an eye on when this happens, and then says "talk to me". Just to get me back into reality.
I am often in a mixed episode if that happens while I'm driving.