[Focus62]

Well, after 5 weeks of no T, I'll be starting again next Monday. I always feel ridiculous making another appointment with the receptionist that knows my face and name now (ick), I feel like there are other kids that need this more than I and I'm just wasting space and time. I always feel like the receptionist thinks I'm needy and I don't like that. It's all in my head though, all assumptions, and she's never given me any real indication that she would think that. This just makes me feel even more stupid for thinking it, it's a vicious cycle. I know the reason why I feel so ridiculous making another appointment is because I do this through the school counseling center, and it's supposed to be brief counseling (one semester), but my T has never told me that there is a limit to my sessions so I think she is making an exception for me (this will be my third semester--jeez). I don't know why. I'm not suicidal, not a self-harmer, I don't have any traits that would tell her I'm any sort of a risk to myself really. I've had my rare rare moments of s.i. thoughts but I never act on them, the urge is just not strong enough for me to ever do anything like that. I guess I just don't get it, why would she want to spend all this time with me. There is nothing special about me. Sometimes I think it's just because I have such a screwed up story riddled with abuses of all sorts and that makes me "interesting" to her and that's why she lets me come so often. But another part of me is scared that what if she does tell me to stop coming, that she can't spend anymore time with me? I have a feeling that that's what will happen at the end of this semester and I don't like the idea. It's such back-and-forth thinking I end up with and it's driving me crazy. I guess I don't know where I stand, but that's not really something I feel comfortable asking about. It's intimidating. How do you guys deal with these feelings? I can't seem to do it...

I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in the first session back. I know she'll be excited to hear about my new dog (and the juvenile part of me wishes she would ask me to bring her in so she could meet her). I just want to avoid the whole family ordeal conversation. My winter break went pretty well because I didn't go home. I didn't talk to my parents. I only talked to my brother. I went to my best friend's house for Christmas and her family has practically adopted me, I love them so much. I spent the new years alone in my apartment and it was wonderful. I just feel like there's not much to talk about because I'm feeling better than usual, though I'm not 100%. I have a lot of issues and I can bring them up, but I don't think she pushes me enough to explore them. She doesn't really ask me questions and when I get quiet, she'll ask me something that I can completely skirt around the issue with. I know that's on me, but it's like I need to be cornered if I'm ever going to talk about anything. Anybody ever get that feeling?

Anyway, enough rambling...sorry for whoever read this cause there was really no real point. Hope you all are doing well.

[Victoria'smom]

All the time. Ask if you can continue until you graduate. Then you have an end date. You need to tell T you have to be cornered because you'll wiggle out of things if you can. T will understand because it's a coping skill.

[SilverGlitter]

I'm sorry that I don't have anything useful to say, except that I know EXACLY how you feel. Except I'm in my third year of it, not third semester. My centre is meant to be a short term one too and I constantly panic to my T about someone one day saying that I can't see her anymore and everytime, she tells me that it is her discretion and that lots of students are short term but there have been a few longer ones, even four and five year ones. It really helps me to be able to hear reassurance from my T, maybe it would help you too? It doesn't even have to be a question you ask, but just mention how you're concerned about where things stand. I know it's a really awkward conversation to start but it really really helps.
And I worry about the same thing with the receptionist because she knows me by name and face (and the assistant receptionists changes quite a bit but it never takes them long to learn my name and face too!) but she's always been very sweet to me and I worry about it less now!

First sessions are always the hardest because there's always been so much that's happened in the break and I just get so overwhelmed because it all causes me a lot of anxiety or pent up emotions but I can't explain everything in one session. So I always find the first session after a break to be one of the hardest. During those times, I usually tell her that I just have too much in my head and I can't get it out all and in order to be able to explain it to her. And she helps me make sense with it.

I'm sorry I can't help you with anything, I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel and that I'll be going through the same thing starting on Monday too!

[stopdog]

Re: cornered
It sounds good that you have figured out something you think the therapist could do to try to help you.
Cornered for me would be a terrible plan. I react very badly to getting trapped.

[CantExplain]

Ask if you can bring the dog.