[mixedup_emotions]

I had group T today, and it was a very active session. At one point, I mentioned something that gave clear indication that I was not open to the idea of falling in love, and it caused a reaction in a couple of people (one was sad for me, another angry - in a caring way).

I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me, and I fought back the surge of emotion which was leading up to bursting into tears. I refused to allow those feelings to come to the surface.

Now that I am home, I am still not allowing myself to feel whatever it is that's hovering beneath the surface. Too painful. And my mind scrambles everything up when I try to think about it.

So, I decided to do an easy exercise that began with the light awareness of the topic....and then wrote the first words that came to my mind. Here's what I came up with:

hate
blood
dirty
wrong
ugly
scarred
evil
disgusting
worthless
discarded
target
simple
eyes
pain
dark
gross
scared
lonely
danger
piercing
dagger
shame

Do those words scream CSA to you?

I was surprised by what came to me and am wondering why I am relating these words to the idea of not being open to falling in love.

(I was married for 14 years to someone my T described as a pathological predator who only saw me as an object - which crushed the idea that I was actually lovable to at least one person in this world - divorced for nearly 4, low self-esteem, unattractive, etc.).

I was considering sharing the results of my exercise with my group, but I have not disclosed my CSA history with them and don't want the discussion to lead in that direction.

Perhaps I will just talk to T about it....if I don't just avoid it altogether.

[karebear1]

Those are some seriously super charged words Mue. They certainly could scream CSA, but they also could not. You having described your Ex and the way he treated you could also lend itself to those words. Either way, they are strong words to just come off the top of your head like that.

[geez]

((Mue)) I don't know what the group therapy is about that you participate in but I would bet there are people who have gone through experiences with CSA or abuse from a partner. I went through a group therapy program and while it was intense at times my best work was done when I let my guard down and was honest and open about my feelings.
Something about being in group therapy I found easier than individual T for some reason.

But you have to do what feels right for you in that moment. Perhaps talking about holding back your feelings and why or what that means for you?

[healed84]

MUE have you talked to T about CSA? This is a good thing to talk about at your next session, the emotions that were brought up during group T, and then the excersize you do for yourself afterwards (I think T would be proud of that).. I think it might be a very productive session!!

[Big Mama]

I don't think these words are from CSA. Unless CSA were to have occurred, I do not know your story, so I can not make a fair assessment.

I do know I feel much the same way as you. I have a very emotionally and verbally abusive husband of 18 years. Those words ring so true to me. I feel a lot of nothingness when it comes to love. I could care less for love, touch, relating in an intimate way.

No they don't scream SA. Emotional abuse has the same word associations. Well any abuse.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the feedback. It's been very helpful. I decided to share it with my group and T on my group blog.

T is aware of my past CSA history, although I haven't begun the process of working through it all. I disclosed it all early on in therapy, 4 years ago, in a matter-of-fact way as I was emotionally detached. Now that I am more in tune with my emotions, it's much more difficult for me to talk about.

Also, T hasn't seemed to want me to delve into all of that because he feels that it's important that my life is stable first and that I build up a good support network IRL. So far, those things haven't happened, so it's been a topic that we've put off for quite some time.

I'm not sure where it will lead, but I am going to try to be open to whatever happens.

Thanks again for the feedback.

[Perna]

They sound like pain and fear to me; I would work on moving in the opposite direction and sounds like sharing with your group and T in your blog is an excellent first step.

[Sannah]

Good luck with this MUE. I have seen you online here many times and kept wondering how you have been doing.

[pbutton]

It does have an abuse "feel" to it, but I wouldn't automatically think CSA.

[Big Mama]

Mixedup I am the very same way. I was raped 20+ ago over the course of 9 mo every weekend and weekday that his need went unmet.

My marriage is unstable and verbal abuse and emotional are rampant. The T say's things are not s table enough to proceed w/ that right now. That was 4 months ago. Things are coming back to me and I need to deal w/ it and the T/ is still not sure it should be delt w/. So I write what I feel I need to tell her and she reads it. Then we apply it to how I feel in the relationship I am in w/ my H. She helps me deal w/ what comes up and has promised to always be available, but we will not be purposely digging around to dig up stuff, things are just to unstable right now.

I'm glad you wrote about that. It made me feel badly to be told things are so screwed up I can't help you in this area right now. That's screwed up. But now I feel badly for you but feel relief in the fact that I'm not the only one who has issues but can't work on them at the moment.

[Big Mama]

Mixedup I am the very same way. I was raped 20+ ago over the course of 9 mo every weekend and weekday that his need went unmet.

My marriage is unstable and verbal abuse and emotional are rampant. The T say's things are not s table enough to proceed w/ that right now. That was 4 months ago. Things are coming back to me and I need to deal w/ it and the T/ is still not sure it should be delt w/. So I write what I feel I need to tell her and she reads it. Then we apply it to how I feel in the relationship I am in w/ my H. She helps me deal w/ what comes up and has promised to always be available, but we will not be purposely digging around to dig up stuff, things are just to unstable right now.

I'm glad you wrote about that. It made me feel badly to be told things are so screwed up I can't help you in this area right now. That's screwed up. But now I feel badly for you but feel relief in the fact that I'm not the only one who has issues but can't work on them at the moment.

[Anne2.0]

I think that many of the words are very "adult" like and some flag abuse with a sexual component, or suggests that the abuse had an impact on your sexuality (as non-sexual abuse within a marriage often does). I think you were brave to share this with your group and I hope the feedback you get there is useful to you.

[lisacj]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I had group T today, and it was a very active session. At one point, I mentioned something that gave clear indication that I was not open to the idea of falling in love, and it caused a reaction in a couple of people (one was sad for me, another angry - in a caring way).

I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me, and I fought back the surge of emotion which was leading up to bursting into tears. I refused to allow those feelings to come to the surface.

Now that I am home, I am still not allowing myself to feel whatever it is that's hovering beneath the surface. Too painful. And my mind scrambles everything up when I try to think about it.

So, I decided to do an easy exercise that began with the light awareness of the topic....and then wrote the first words that came to my mind. Here's what I came up with:

hate
blood
dirty
wrong
ugly
scarred
evil
disgusting
worthless
discarded
target
simple
eyes
pain
dark
gross
scared
lonely
danger
piercing
dagger
shame

Do those words scream CSA to you?

I was surprised by what came to me and am wondering why I am relating these words to the idea of not being open to falling in love.

(I was married for 14 years to someone my T described as a pathological predator who only saw me as an object - which crushed the idea that I was actually lovable to at least one person in this world - divorced for nearly 4, low self-esteem, unattractive, etc.).

Ohhh how I could have written that entire thread!! For a minute I was thinking we may have been married to the same guy.......then I remembered he wasn't old enough to have been married to his first wife 6 years, you 14, and me 17!!

I too have no desire to date or remarry. I kinda wonder how I will feel in 3.5 years when my daughter graduates high school and leaves. I can't stand to be by myself, so we'll see what happens.

Everybody that I say this too wants to set me up and find me someone. I have my reasons for not wanting to date or marry. It has nothing to do with the ex.....I feel nothing when it comes to him. And I'm not a mariage hater either. I know that everyone means well....and their probably right, especially the ones that have known me all my life.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. I will try to post individual responses shortly.

So far, I only got one response on my group blog....and it was basically someone saying he could relate (not to my situation but to some of the feelings because he was going through some marriage/job trouble)...and said something along the lines of him putting it in perspective and realizing that if he wanted to change what he was feeling then he needed to do something about it.

I honestly don't know how to respond to him...Feels like an apples to oranges comparison to me. Ultimately, he made a decision to quit his job because the work schedule was affecting his marriage and childcare situation....and since his wife made a decent income, they were able to swing it. And that helped his situation, thus helping his feelings change.

I'm not sure how that relates to the deep feelings that I expressed and trying to get to a place of accepting a life void of love.

Am I missing something here?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Those are some seriously super charged words Mue. They certainly could scream CSA, but they also could not. You having described your Ex and the way he treated you could also lend itself to those words. Either way, they are strong words to just come off the top of your head like that.

Thanks, karebear. It helps to get other eyes on the words since I don't have an objective view.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by geez

((Mue)) I don't know what the group therapy is about that you participate in but I would bet there are people who have gone through experiences with CSA or abuse from a partner. I went through a group therapy program and while it was intense at times my best work was done when I let my guard down and was honest and open about my feelings.
Something about being in group therapy I found easier than individual T for some reason.

But you have to do what feels right for you in that moment. Perhaps talking about holding back your feelings and why or what that means for you?

Thanks, geez. My group T is a process-oriented group (gestalt based), so what tends to happen is - someone will bring up a topic, and then the session evolves to people reacting to people's reactions, focusing on what's going on between people in the room - leaving the original issue hanging out to dry. I find that it usually veers very far from the original topic, leaving the person initiating it in a vulnerable and dissatisfied position. I don't want that to be me.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Perna

They sound like pain and fear to me; I would work on moving in the opposite direction and sounds like sharing with your group and T in your blog is an excellent first step.

Pain and fear. Thanks for the feedback! I'd imagine that makes sense....I'll have to take that into consideration. Thanks!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good luck with this MUE. I have seen you online here many times and kept wondering how you have been doing.

Aww, thanks, Sannah!

I typically post on the couch and took a break from posting on the forum. I've been around though!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Mixedup I am the very same way. I was raped 20+ ago over the course of 9 mo every weekend and weekday that his need went unmet.

My marriage is unstable and verbal abuse and emotional are rampant. The T say's things are not s table enough to proceed w/ that right now. That was 4 months ago. Things are coming back to me and I need to deal w/ it and the T/ is still not sure it should be delt w/. So I write what I feel I need to tell her and she reads it. Then we apply it to how I feel in the relationship I am in w/ my H. She helps me deal w/ what comes up and has promised to always be available, but we will not be purposely digging around to dig up stuff, things are just to unstable right now.

I'm glad you wrote about that. It made me feel badly to be told things are so screwed up I can't help you in this area right now. That's screwed up. But now I feel badly for you but feel relief in the fact that I'm not the only one who has issues but can't work on them at the moment.

Sorry to hear you're going through such turmoil. I certainly do understand the idea that you need to have certain resources available in order to handle the resulting emotions that are exposed in therapy. The last time some of my past traumas came to the surface, I ended up in a very dangerous depression, SI'ing for the first time in years, etc. It was awful. I need to have better resources in place.

And with life stability - that's a tough one for me right now since I am a single mom without a full time job - so I'm facing a huge financial crisis...Not exactly the best time to delve into trauma work.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think that many of the words are very "adult" like and some flag abuse with a sexual component, or suggests that the abuse had an impact on your sexuality (as non-sexual abuse within a marriage often does). I think you were brave to share this with your group and I hope the feedback you get there is useful to you.

Thanks, Anne! I have found that sharing with my group T is usually quite dissatisfying. Most people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. Although I understand, it's difficult to be on the other end of that...putting myself out there just to be left hanging. It does typically lead to useful discoveries for others though - like, how they react to difficult topics, what feelings get stirred up for them, etc. As much as I want to help the group evolve and grow, I don't prefer to do it at my expense. I'm kinda regretting posting on my group t blog at the moment.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by lisacj

Ohhh how I could have written that entire thread!! For a minute I was thinking we may have been married to the same guy.......then I remembered he wasn't old enough to have been married to his first wife 6 years, you 14, and me 17!!

I too have no desire to date or remarry. I kinda wonder how I will feel in 3.5 years when my daughter graduates high school and leaves. I can't stand to be by myself, so we'll see what happens.

Everybody that I say this too wants to set me up and find me someone. I have my reasons for not wanting to date or marry. It has nothing to do with the ex.....I feel nothing when it comes to him. And I'm not a mariage hater either. I know that everyone means well....and their probably right, especially the ones that have known me all my life.

I hear you, and I can relate. I'm ok with being single. I have friends and pursue quite a few interests. However, I do miss certain aspects of having a relationship - like affection. And I hate the feeling of longing for something that I am too afraid to ever have again....I just want to not feel those things.

[Big Mama]

mixedup bless you and thank you for taking the time to respond individually. It was very thoughtful for you to take the time to respond to all of us.

[stopdog]

I may be late to the game here, but I did not think the list screamed csa. I did not read it and think csa at all just from the list itself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

him putting it in perspective and realizing that if he wanted to change what he was feeling then he needed to do something about it.

I honestly don't know how to respond to him...

I'm not sure how that relates to the deep feelings that I expressed and trying to get to a place of accepting a life void of love.

Am I missing something here?

So he is saying if you want to change your feelings you need to act?

Acting can be putting yourself out there and changing your situation?