Too Little, Too Late?

My T finally, after one full week, texted me about the mini-crisis I was experiencing last week. ONE WEEK LATER.

I discussed this in an earlier thread (http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=263321) but I did not discuss my current thoughts of quitting therapy.

I cancelled this week's appointment with T and am rehearsing in my mind the voicemail I will leave in which I will tell her I'm taking a break of an indefinite amount of time.

So, I'm wanting to have a discussion with you guys about this almost decision. You guys (to be denoted as YG from now on. You guys here on PC have a wealth of cumulative wisdom that you offer so freely and of which I have been so so appreciative in my months of therapy)

Me: I'm pondering quitting therapy.

YG: Why?

Me: Well, that's the thing. I'm trying to put my finger on it exactly. It DOES have something to do with T not replying to my texts a week ago.

YG: Is it unusual that she not reply?

Me: She has regularly given me something in her text replies. I never ask for it and I do not expect her to do therapy by text but I have begun to expect something since she has been pretty consistent in responding.

YG: So, you're willing to quit therapy over this one basically small incident? Or has your therapist not been what you hope she would be?

Me: My T is awesome. She has helped me in so many ways. She has taught me a lot. Sure, we've had some ruptures in the past but they have helped me gain emotional strength. So, no, there is no historical reason to quit.

"small incident" you say. Hmmm, is it small? Yeah, I guess so being seen from the outside. But, dang, when I was in that tough emotional place, when I needed something from her, she let me down.

YG: Well, skysblue, a very important question - did you let her know how much you needed her then?

Me: Well, dang, she knows me well. She already knows the kind of stuff I'm going through. She's never waited for me to explicitly request a reply before she responds in the past. But, now, she let me hang. And I felt abandoned.

YG: O.k., o.k., let us concede that your T let you down. Let us concede that she even royally scr*wed up (though we're not totally convinced). Let us acknowledge you feel hurt and abandoned. But YOU admit that she has helped you a lot these past few months, that she's a good therapist, that you even love her. And even with all the positive experiences you've had with her, NOW you want to quit?

Me: I'm feeling confused. Maybe I'm feeling some relief by thinking about quitting. I mean, geez, look at the money I'd save. Fantasizing about a European vacation in a few months with the extra money available if I were not spending $320.00 a month on therapy.

YG: Were you thinking about saving this money before your T let you down last week?

Me: Off and on, sure. But not with the immediacy I feel at the moment.

YG: So, you'd probably agree that the money is not the major reason?

Me: I guess so. But it IS a nice advantage to ceasing therapy.

YG: Come on, skyblue, fess up. You just don't want to take the kind of emotional energy it will take to see T again, right?

Me: Man, sometimes I just feel tired of it all. I mean, I should pay her $80.00 for 50 minutes so I can work out an issue with HER?

YG: Now, skysblue, you've been around the block once or twice in this therapy merry-go-round and you know as well as we do that, in the end, the issue is not about her. It's about your old default protective patterns of response/reaction that have not served you well in the past. And now, you are slipping back into that default by wanting to run.

Me: Hey, running works sometimes. Geez, do we always having to face the tough stuff?

YG: You know the answer to that, skysblue. You know it very well. You have studied the therapy process intently the past 2 years. How many books have you read about emotions, therapy, processing internal stuff, and on and on?

Me: Okay, you guys really do have my number, don't you? Yeah yeah yeah, the answer is "Yes, we have to face the tough stuff but only if we're interested in our own personal growth. If we're not interested, we can definitely run for the hills."

YG: So whatcha gonna do?

Me: I'm still not sure. I won't decide yet. There is a huge push/pull going on inside of me. I need to give myself a bit of quiet introspection time and hunt for my REAL motives and my REAL goals. Thanks for listening, guys.

Wow, you said all that MUCH better than I think YG might have replied in real life. LOL. I hope you are able to figure this out.

Have you considered a break of determent length -say 3-4 weeks and then go back and see how you feel after 3-4 more appointments? And tell her that is what you want to do?

What about spacing it out to ten days until you feel closer to T?

Are you hunting in your heart as well as in your head? (for your real motives and goals)

Wow too, that's a great post Skyblue, and I confess I'm secretly pleased that you are considering not quitting and see the sense in sticking with T.

Do you think she will get the message with your cancelling this week's session? It obviously indicates that something is wrong, though she may not know precisely what (I'd hope that she does though, if she just stops long enough to link the two things - late text and your cancellation.)

What YG forgot to suggest in the dialogue above, was how much of your need to withdraw now is based on your feeling really angry at T? Hurt abandoned yes understood, what about protest and anger and powerless frustration? YG could be wrong here but thought it worth a mention

And if there is some background anger simmering away, maybe that's what you want to think about telling her in the voicemail, rather than taking an indefinite break. But this only a throw away suggestion, if it means something that's great, if it's completely off the wall, please ignore .

Hope you resolve your ambivalence soon, it's a hard place to be while you're weighing it all up

Torn

Me: Thanks YG's for your help. YG (aka Stopdog) suggests taking a break for a set time and then return. AND, letting T know that's my intention. Great idea. Will consider it. And then YG (aka Miguel's Mom) suggests spacing out the sessions. Canceling this week makes it 2 weeks I've missed since I was out of town last week. If I keep next week's appointment it will have been 3 weeks since I've seen T. YG (aka likelife) asks if I'm hurting in my heart. Yeah, guess so.

YG: Isn't it apparent that this is bringing up a huge issue for you? I mean, thinking of quitting therapy over it would seem to be a sign of its importance, wouldn't you say?

Me: Hey, you guys, why do you always have to go to the core? Ya know - I kinda like being superficial. I kinda like just skimming the surface. I kinda like being in the dark. But, no, you guys just can't leave me alone with my simple easy answers, can you? Of course, I have no one to blame but myself. I DID come asking for your thoughts about this.

YG: Yes, you are putting a lot of energy into this thought process.

Me: Well, having a more than 2 years relationship with someone is a big thing. And it feels like proposing a divorce or something by contemplating quitting. Like, who would I talk to if I might face some big emotional stuff in the future? On the other hand, I AM much more capable of taking care of myself than I was 2 years ago. I am not that needy anymore. I manage much better than those days.

YG: Well, maybe you ARE ready to change the relationship with T. Maybe this incident is a reminder that you don't need her as much.

Me: Yes, my thinking exactly.

YG: But, then we return to the leading question you have posted about - your feelings of abandonment when she did not return your text. So, sure, maybe you don't need her "as much" but maybe you still DO need her.

Me: No, no, no, no. I do not want to need her anymore. In fact, I DON'T need her. I did just fine without her replying to my text. I managed. I coped. I survived just fine, thank you very much. So, her not replying probably gave me the insight that I might be through with therapy.

YG: Hey, skysblue, a little teeny tiny question for you - if you're feeling so confident that you're done with therapy, why not schedule a termination session with her instead of contemplating just leaving her a voicemail? If you're at peace with quitting, why do you want to avoid her?

Me: Man oh man, you've got a point. It's true. I AM scared to see her. I AM scared to let her know I feel abandoned. I AM scared to hear her explain about boundaries if I dare bring this up. I wanna be tough. I wanna be strong. I wanna hide my dependency. I wanna show her I don't care. Yeah!!!

We're told and I've experienced this in its full significance that issues with T ARE real life issues. How we learn to handle and to process and to negotiate emotional cr*p with T is how we learn to do the same with relationships in RL. So, if I'm scared to approach T, will I have any better success at approaching my closest relations?

Sounds like you need to go back, let T know how her lack of response affected you . After that is all cleared up , then if you really want to quit , set a date.

What she said

YG: So, you admit to feeling fear. Can you tell us more about that?

Me: idk. Why do I feel fear? Embarrassed, yes. Is it I'm afraid of the feeling of embarrassment? That's one thing. In the past I have voiced some of my feelings about how T has affected my feelings but have also made the requirement that she not answer me. hmmmmm - some of those old ruptures have never been resolved. I am too scared to hear her side of it.

YG: Why is that so scary? Why is it so tough to hear what she has to say? Do you think she'll be harsh or mean or insensitive or unfeeling?

Me: My T is very sympathetic and would never be mean or insensitive.

YG: So, what in the world can you be afraid of?

Me: It's coming to me now. For me, any small sign of boundaries is a HUGE sign of rejection. I cannot hear about boundaries.

YG: It hurts, huh?

Me: Yeah, it hurts a lot. I completely shut down when I sense anything that even slightly looks like rejection. I do that in RL too.

YG: So, it's tough for you to live in 'shades of grey'. It's either 'black or white' with you. Does that sound about right?

Me: Maybe. I had never thought about it that way before. Yes, my T has told me that any disagreement does not mean rejection. But it FEELS like rejection.

YG: You know, skysblue, we have seen you push your limits in the past. You have gone way past your comfort zone in divulging deeply personal stuff to T. Remember, you even wrote her a poem titled, "I Hate You" when she left on vacation for a month last year. Can you find a way to dip into that courage reservoir and bring up this topic with T?

Me: Oh, God - this is so hard. Do I have any more reserve in that reservoir? You know - I don't want to do it. I really don't. I want to run. I really want to run. Dang, why does it have to be so hard?

is that what it is .... not having the courage to tell your T you are hurt and angry?


i wish you could find a way to go into the session unscripted and just see what happens if you acknowledge your feelings and then see where the two of you go together

Your conversations with YG are phenomenal and honest, skysblue! Wow! How do you feel now about what you've learned? It sounds like rejection is a huge issue for you, and it makes sense that you want to run away instead of talking about it with your T. Instead of running away, though, how about seeing her and telling her how you felt when she didn't respond until 1 week later to your text? I would be very angry if it happened to me. And hurt. And I might feel like running away. It's up to you what to do.

I do NOT think your T knows your feelings about her not responding without your telling her. Even if she does, Ts don't "play that game". She will wait until you bring it up, and then explain or apologize. Sigh....that's usually the way it works unless it's obviously something a T does wrong and apologizes for.

YG: Tell us, skysblue, do you feel you have reached your potential in emotional well-being?

Me: I don't even know what that means anymore. Right now I feel like a rotten spoiled brat who is throwing a temper tantrum cuz "mommy" didn't look at me. Geez, there are many people who have real problems. Why the hey am I taking up space here?

YG: hmmmm, sounds like you're comparing and judging.

Me: Gawd, you sound just like my T. She suggests I not judge my feelings, not give them judgement labels. She also suggests that I not compare..

YG: Well, do you recognize the wisdom in those suggestions?

Me: I guess I do.

YG: What would you advise others?

Me: I'd make the same suggestions as T.I would say that ALL feelings are important and that none is less valuable than the other. Maybe their impact on life may have different serious and not so serious consequences, but the feelings ARE important.

YG: So, maybe not get off tangent by beating yourself up by this peripheral thought, ok?

Me: o.k. And that reminds me that T has told me that "feelings are emissaries from our deeper place and it is wise to listen to them."

YG: And what message is this emissary giving you?

Me: I don't know yet.

I'm on tenterhooks.

I haven't read through it all, but I will later (after T...gulp). There are parts I really relate to though. I've had a huge reaction to a small boundary change. It's changed everything. I'm allergic to boundaries, in that I'd rather set overly strict ones myself, so I never have to discover a real one (particularly coming from T).

I find it hard to go back after this sort of stuff (and I've dealt with a whole lot all in one go lately), but I find that I feel awful and abandoned until I talk to T about it. Maybe I still do feel a bit like that after talking to T, but it feels better, for me, to begin the process or understanding it and working through it...and it can be so healing.

I also added up the total money spend recently and it's very painful to think about. $360 a month and that's after T has reduced my fee, which I don't feel great about either. Still, tens of thousands over the years. It's hard not to question sometimes.

Sorry you're going through such a difficult process. It can be so tough, I know.

Me: Hey, you guys, another thought just crossed my mind. You know what, I can get grief for free in my RL. why should I pay good money to get it in therapy?

YG: Skysblue, it is obvious you are putting out phony, not serious excuses here. So, the thought of talking to your T is that scary, huh?

Me: You guys, one thing I do not like about you is that you are so dang wise. Sure, I like it when you help me do the cowardly thing but not when you show how well you know me. Your words touch a sore place, for sure.

YG: Sorry about that. But you DID ask us our frank and honest thoughts. And we know you really DO appreciate them.

Me: Yeah, you're right. If I could easily push you guys around, you wouldn't be helpful to me. So, yeah, thanks.

YG: We have an idea. How 'bout imagining going into therapy and spill your guts with T? How 'bout sharing with us how you think that would go, specifically?

Me: Maybe I WILL try that exercise. Will post later.

*sigh* It's SOOO challenging to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, isn't it?!?!

I mean, to cut to the chase and say "I'm really hurt and angry about you not replying to my texts for a whole week! I'm very disappointed in you. They were cries for help, for support. How can I trust you again?! And *WHY* didn't you reply?!", etc.

I get it. It feels like it just opens us up to even MORE hurt, MORE rejection. Why the heck risk it, right?

Oh, but the expansive, enlightening, heart-opening, and HEALING experience that awaits us,...THAT can ONLY happen in that space of honesty and vulnerability. And THAT is priceless.

I trust that you will find your way,...when you are ready. You have shown so much courage already in your willingness to share with all of us so honestly. I hope that very soon you are able to experience a release and feel profound relief. Please keep us posted.

Sblue you may not believe this but T has a bumper sticker on her car: "Running is cheaper than therapy".

I guess I'm not part of the YG voice today. Running (the kind you contemplate) can look pretty appealing at times.

but ..... remember............................. wait for a time of peace; until then, no change.......

Hey, you guys, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Actually, you all have given me a lot of food for thought and I've been gorging. Surprise, huh? My T 'jokingly' calls me the Schwarzenegger of intellectualizing.

YG: Skysblue, does it help all of this thinking?

Me: On one hand I've learned that the rational thinking approach does not take me all the way but on the other hand, I believe it DOES take me to the threshold of where I want to go.

YG: Well, don't keep us in suspense. What kind of thoughts are taking up space in your brain?

Me: Gawd, too many to count but I'll try to condense my words to reflect the 2 largest at the moment. First of all, I'm realizing that my emotions are focused on a 2 pronged problem. #1 - My T not responding to my texts and the feelings they evoked and #2 should I talk to T about my feelings? Those 2 topics, though being very related, are separate. Oh man oh man, why such complication?

YG: Do you want to narrow down your thoughts to one of the issues (at least for now)?

Me: I guess I have to. I am not so smart that I can multi-task (although I do try). What I want to say is that all you guys offer some real helpful comments. But, I'm realizing that one suggestion that you make (and I've made the same suggestion to others) is like putting the cart before the horse.

Or better said, (hmm, can I say it better?), it's like..., well - listen. You make suggestions like "you should talk to your T"; "you'll need to talk to your T"; "facing your T will be freeing and liberating".

And when you say those words what I hear is "you should climb Mt. Everest"; "you need to climb Mt. Everest"; "facing Mt. Everest will be freeing and liberating".

Now everyone knows without a shadow of a doubt that before climbing Everest there is a lot of preparation required. Physical conditioning and gathering of equipment and supplies. AND choosing the best time to approach Everest.

To me, talking to T about this issue is *MY* Everest. I can't just go forth without preparation. I can't just charge forward without having gathered equipment and supplies. I need to build my emotional muscles.

YG: Oh, yes, skysblue, we DO understand better now how daunting it must feel to contemplate approaching *your* Everest. What can we do to help?

Me: Well, I'm trying to identify which of those emotional muscles need conditioning AND how to strengthen them. Also, I need to know what else I'll need while ascending *my* Everest.

YG: Sounds like a very personal quest for information. Are you sure we can be of any help?

Me: Yes. I'm sure all climbers contemplating an ascent on Mt. Everest learned a lot from previous climbers even if their own experience did not match exactly the seasoned climbers.

YG: You've got a point there.

Me: So, any ideas would be very welcome.

So, guys, what you may not know about me is that I cannot remain in the state of inaction. Fond as I am of pondering and perusing and pontificating, I still need to experience motion,

So, I called T. I left her a message on her voicemail informing her that I'm contemplating taking a break from therapy and that said break might only last a week, a few weeks or indefinitely. I'm sure she'll be shocked because there was never a hint this was coming (for me neither). I hope she doesn't call me. I told her I'd let her know by end of week.

Dang, extra nervous now. Before, it was just a thought dangling in my head but now it's out there.

Sky..."too little, too late?" we have another saying "better late than never". Your T replied, okay, not when you needed it, but she did reply. She knows you very well and maybe she wanted to give you a chance to work it out on your own? As you've shown on here you have great reasoning.

I'm glad you've called T, hopefully you can resolve this. Sometimes with things like this, the longer you leave it the worse it gets, good that you've made the first step and been honest

What response are you thinking you'll get to telling her this?

I expect no response and I hope for no response. I just informed her as a courtesy.

I hope the break helps you clarify. Good luck.
I would not want the therapist to call me either.