Needy vs Strong

That.just.sucks.a lot. I get it. I think that is a big part keeping me stuck. Deep down I know that I can never re-get(word?) what I didnt grow up with, but I dont think Ive really let it sink in. Probably because its all I want. It would make my life so different. I dont cry and just writing this and thinking about it has given me a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I acknowledge that the longing and yearning for that internalized mothers love and security is there but the hurt that its not there is so deep that I think it might kill me if i really feel it. Now I get what T was saying the other day...."Struggling, you can say the words that you accept what your mother is and isnt but I dont think you've really felt it. You have to feel it." I was pissed at her. Ive been uncharacteristically upset with her the last few weeks and I cant pinpoint why. Probably because I see so much in her of what I wish my mom was, but know that I cant have all of it. I cant have that innate sense of security. bah humbug

Are you asking me, or were you responding to someone else?

If me: I made it up. I thought it up all by my little self. My education was in physics.