I miss my T!

That's good advice but I can't let it go. I have to discuss it with her, at least to get it clear if she is going to be strict about the rule now. I have to know. If I hadn't missed 2 sessions, I wouldn't have expected any reply from her. If I were in town, and emailed her. This is different. Maybe I'm in denial but you don't know my T. It's unlike her not to respond in this case. I have to understand her reasoning and then I will happily let it go.

Yes they are ...........and what Lolacabanna wrote.

I'm just trying to get you to focus on the now and real. She isn't losing sleep or having grief over her lack of contact with you...right? You have a loving family who is willing to give you praise and attention that is authentic and still you seek it from her. I just don't get it. I hope your conversation goes well.

Lola, my problem is that to me, my T is not just a ship passing in the night! She WILL be with me always until she or I die. I will always be in contact with her, one way or another. She's very important to me, and that's the way it is. Even if I stop regular sessions, which I may have to do in a year, I know I will see her off and on. I don't know how I could live without a T in my life. I know that's pathetic. Maybe when I go up on the zoloft it will help.

My family does NOT give me praise or attention that is as authentic as what my T gives me. Yes, I seek it from my T because she likes me, cares about me, and doesn't criticize me. I love my family, especially the grandkids. But it's different. I miss my T.

I thought I was doing well. I'm getting triggered and I have to go to bed. I do appreciate your comments, but they make me wonder how sick I am, or what's wrong with me. I want my T. I want to be loved. I'm just going to cry now. I know it's not about her. I know that 100%. I'm just sad for I don't know what reason.

Rain, drugs wont help with this darling.... a T is someone to help us get our lives back together. They are no different then a cancer doctor who eventually may free us from cancer. Your life will go on with or without her.... You need to find what you get from her, from yourself or others in your life.... they are a substitute teacher, for a teacher that was absent. I know you are a strong woman and you have a loving family.... If you missed out on the mommy thing, I get it... but you have the opportunity to have it with your own children, as you can be their rock. (their T). Some people don't get that opportunity in life. Stop looking at what you DONT have and look at what you do.

Im not trying to hurt you.. I promise

Hi Rainbow,
I'm sorry you're having such a bad day today thinking about all of this!
I think you're right, that you and she should discuss exceptions to the e-mail rule so situations like this don't keep happening. You seem pritty clear that, you wouldn't have gotten upset about her not responding to the e-mail if it weren't for being apart for two weeks and that you were out of town, and that she had unexpectedly wrote you on your birthday. So you just need to clear that up.
I too believe I'll always be in contact with the t I was seeing in MA. She has helped me get so much of what I haven't gotten from my parents, and I've taken big steps. And, I think we have a connection that goes bbeyond therapist and client, we're two people who care about each other very much and I think always will.
I don't necessarily think it's unhealthy to have a t in your life for your whole life. I may be in the minority, but just my thoughts. You can take psych meds all your life, so why not see a t, or go to a program like I do during the day with others with similar struggles as a life-long support if needed. I don't get what's wrong with that as long as it's making things better, not worse, and keeping a person stable.

Oh, and I forgot to say. I think drugs could help with this if in fact it's OCD related. Drugs along with the DBT and other therapy. The only way to find out is to try. If the zoloft continues to cause bad side-effects I'd try something else.

One, neither Granite nor I stated that you were "regressing". Two, I'm really on your side, so I don't know why you are reacting as if I attacked you. Three, I never said you were manipulating your T.

Rainbow, the point is this: your T never said when she would make exceptions to her email rule. She and she only defines that. You feel that because this was an extraordinary occurrence (congratulations are much in order for you ), she should/would/could reply. For whatever reason, she has chosen not to. Once you have felt your disappointment, you can then choose to allow the feelings to bother you or you can choose to move on. Feelings aren't facts. Your feelings may be indicative of an issue, past or present, with your T or someone else. Much like Sannah tells you to, it's good to explore the why rather than the what.

To answer your question, no I cannot call my T. I now have no contact with her outside of session. If I have a scheduling conflict, I must call the front desk. She is doing this to increase my independence away from her which segues into your response to Lola.

My question is this: does your T know that you plan to be in therapy with her, whether regularly or irregularly, until one of you dies? If she does, is she okay with that? I adore my T no matter the ruptures, mistakes, stubbornness, rubber boundaries, brick boundaries, or boundary crossings (both of us have been responsible for all of the above). However, T has always been very straightforward about the end of therapy (much to my chagrin). At that time, I may never see her again, but all of the skills, knowledge, love, encouragement...all that she gives me now will be worth it on that day. We will probably both be very sad. Next month will be two years. Depending on my resistance level and what I still need to work through, I think I have 6-12 months left.

Acting differently IS the progress. Here's what can be the sucky thing about feelings. They may never change. I still love my ex-GF. 8 years past the end of our relationship. For probably five years following our break-up, my feelings were, "I still love her, I want her back, I miss her so." Her new marriage was abusive so we talked about running away together. Nothing changed until I made a conscious choice to spend less time with her so that we could each grow healthier on our own therapy journeys. Then I was able to make conscious choices to work on my marriage, to work on my career, to work on other relationships and how to change unhealthy patterns in my life. So even though I feel the same, I choose not to act on the feelings.

Reading through the whole thread quickly and responding was probably not the best thing for me to do. I apologize. I picked up on the obsessiveness simply because I have the same traits.

You are making progress. Even if you do have setbacks (and you will, everyone does), stop the cycle. Sounds like you are doing good DBT for the most part.

Hug and kiss that granddaughter of yours for me. They grow too fast!

If what you truly want is to be loved, then aren't your family members and friends the ones most likely to give you that? I remember from a previous post that your T once told you that she loves "little Rainbow" but that it would be inauthentic for her to say that she loves "adult Rainbow" because that is reserved for her family, and not her clients? Of course she cares about you, but if what you are yearning for is a real, loving, two-way relationship, that needs to come from family and friends. As another poster asked, does T know that you plan to see her/be in her life until one of you dies? Have you asked T, if she were to stop practicing and/or become ill, would she still allow you to see her or contact her? I'm only asking because the majority of Ts do not allow this. I've had this conversation with my T, and she has said that when therapy ends, I'm permitted to send her an "update" on how I am doing maybe 1-2 times per year. I asked her if she has contact with any previous clients, and she said that she will often get a few e-mails soon after termination and, over a couple of years, the contact stops. There is no one she has stayed in contact with for more than 3 years after termination (and my T has been in practice about 20 years). As hard as this may be to think about sometimes, I think the reason why Ts make us feel so loved is because of the 1-way nature of the therapy relationship. Because they don't put their needs/feelings/desires onto us, and only listen attentively to our needs/feelings/desire, we feel incredibly special and important. But what we're getting is a service. It's by no means fake, but it is "INauthentic" in the sense that T is not providing it out of her own desire, compassion, or love; she is a professional who is doing her job. If T were really our friend/family/lover, T would not give us that same kind of attention because she would be putting her needs/wants/desires into the mix and wanting OUR attention, too. That's why it feels different with T than it does with family; because our family wants something from us in return. But it's only this 2-way kind of relationship that can provide the kind of love that it sounds like you are really craving. In the end, it's the people in our RL who will be there at our bedsides, crying, and saying I love you. The goal of therapy is to learn how to have these kinds of meaningful relationships with people in our RLs. And, yes, it often DOES feel hard. There was a period of time when I wanted T's attention more than anyone else's; but, through doing the really hard work of therapy, that changed. Now, I still care about my T, but I'm more invested in the relationships I have with people in my RL-- and they are so much richer, fuller, and deeper than the relationship I had/have with my T. Prior to doing the work of therapy, I didn't even know that relationships like these were even possible!

I think that she should have emailed you re the cancellation- that's scheduling and a client needs a way to communicate with their T re this. Or do you have some other way of dealing with this? Like calling her secretary?

OTOH, I do think that emailing her without saying I want you to answer me IS manipulation- at least that's how I view it. It's always better to ask for what we need- that doesn't mean though that the other person has to comply. Esp if you two have a specific understanding about mailing.
BTW I think that you'd be better with strict no mail rule- but that's just my opinion. Cause this obsessing about her not replying can't be healthy.

ok rain so basically what you are saying here is this is who i am ,this is how it is. and it isn't going to change this is how things should be and how i want them . i am sorry for that because it will never change and you will always be disapointed no one can live up to your expectations. i'm tired

What strikes me Rainbow is that you just became a grandmother. You are there to help your daughter (?) and grandchildren.

Yet you obsess about something else. You WANT a vacation. YOU are tired. You WANT your T. I don´t know you that well, but it´s hard/ confusing to read this thread.

Edited to add: I am writing this ( too)based on the fact, that I read some of your posts yesterday, before you had them deleted.

((rainbow)) I hope you had a good sleep
It won't be long until you will be reunited with your T. Are you thinking about how that will go, when you see her again, how that will feel

I want add that I think it is a wonderful gift you give your daughter and her family - to take care of everything and let her bond with her baby
It is hard work when you are grandma-age! What seemed such a breeze when we were younger is much different when we're older.
You have really been there for your daughters, traveling to visit and to help during important times.

I hope you have restful time for you when you return home

I am sort of confused (often and not just here). I think there is a difference between someone saying that they are disappointed and what they wish would happen and how they feel about such stuff versus them acting. I think writing on here how disappointed someone is or upset or whatever is not the same as any act that one may or may not want to change. Feeling upset or disappointed is something which I would think would be okay to acknowledge here. Acting is entirely different.

I have not read this whole thing, but...I don't think that family and friends are always the ones who are going to give you the love you need, even though it might seem like it should be that way.
It also might seem like on the outside everything is peachy, and they do "love" you and you do "love" them (and my T is always hesitant to even use that word because he says there are so many different kinds and so many ways it can be defined)...but you may have other things you need to feel more complete or to feel like you are being accepted as you, and that, I think, can be where T comes in.
Family and friends can also miss when you have anything "going on" with you... things you might be working on, sad feelings, etc...because they assume you should be feeling the same way you did the day before, or the same way THEY are, about almost anything.
I don't think it's a bad thing to lean on T when you need her...I just think the boundaries have to be clear to keep things from getting too complicated.

Thanks, Lola. I know you're not trying to hurt me. I know what I have and I'm grateful for my family but my T gives me something different, that feels like I can't get from anyone else.

Thanks, Adel. I agree with you.
I'm getting used to the jittery feeling so I'll try the 50 mg. I hope, this week. I see the pdoc tomorrow. Yes, he said it will help but I need a higher dosage.

Thank you! I know I'm still obsessive. That's why the pdoc wants me on a lot of zoloft but I'm so sensitive that I'm still at 37 1/2 mg.

Your response makes me sad because it makes sense to me, but somehow I don't have that in my life, or if I do, it doesn't seem fulfilling to me. I have meaningful relationships but they leave me wanting more. It's never enough. I don't get enough love. It always feels better with my T. Well, not always. My 6 yr. old granddaughter gave me a spontaneous hug and that was better than anything! Someof the kids like me to hug them; some don't. Something is wrong with me. I don't know what. Thanks for writing to me. I will reread it and maybe discuss what you wrote with my T.

My T doesn't have a secretary. The only way we schedule appts. is in person or through email. It's a little unusual for her not to reply to a scheduling issue. The "rule" is that I can email my T but she won't email me back unless it's about scheduling. She made an exception last year on my birthday, and maybe one other time when I missed 2 sessions. I don't ask her to reply because that's the rule. I wanted to this time but I didn't. I have to discuss it with her again. If I knew she wasn't going to email me "congratulations" I wouldn't have obsessed about it. I just thought she would. I just emailed her that I will see her Tuesday unless I hear from her. That's ALL I wrote. I typed a lot more then deleted it each time. I don't know if she will answer this one to confirm my appt. or not. It's unlike her not to, and that's what worries me.

I didn't think I said all that. I thought I did change. I didn't email T and tell her I was upset. That would be wrong. I'm waiting until my session to discuss it. I agree about being disappointed. I used to expect a lot from people. I'm learning that most people disappoint me and that's life.

Thank you for trying to understand, Littleme. I'm sorry it's confusing to you.

Thank you for understanding how it is for me, ECHOES. Yes, it's hard work for me! Rewarding, but hard. That's why people have kids when they're young!

That's what I think. I've been expressing my feelings here, NOT acting on them, and going about working and loving my family. I know I think too much about my T, but at least I'm not acting on it. I'm trying hard!

Thanks, traction. I like the way you explained it.