That ONE T

I thought that old t was the one for me but now I reaslise that she was certainly not the one for me. She was very damaging to me. Even though I have only seen new t a few times and exchanged emails, I feel like she gets me more than any others. I had to be open to her though, I do agree with what lola and SD are saying. If you are not open to meeting new ts and hold your old t up on a pedalstol, you will never find the one t.

I was open when I tried meeting with the few other new Ts...I met with them a few times each. But it still wasn't the same kind of connection.

I don't feel closed to the idea, I just have not experienced anything close to the same feeling yet.

Can you tell us what this feeling is? It might be a good idea to write down all the things your t did or sadi that you liked and and the things you didn't like about him and do the same for current t and I bet you will find that this one t is not the only t for you

You know who my ONE is? Dr. Burger, the shrink from the movie Ordinary People. I always wanted a direct and tell-it-like-it-is with a side of compassion sort of therapy.....

The feeling of being connected to someone the same way I was to him. To being understood the same way.

This is long about my experience or you can jump down to the bolded part.

I've been there. My first long-term T (2nd T after seeing a student for several months) was fabulous! I was so upset when I moved and could not see her anymore, because she just really understood me and encouraged me. I couldn't even communicate with her after moving because she was 8.5 months pregnant when I left and obviously went on maternity leave. I ow her so much, because she played a major role in my ED recovery.

I had a T in the new place for one semester and it felt so blah. I even tried to speak up about what I felt I needed in therapy, but it just wasn't working out. I stopped therapy, in a good place mentally, physically, and emotionally. But when my depression came back I went on to see somewhere between 5 and 10 different T's, never really finding what I was looking for. Eventually I was in such a bad place that it was affecting my academic performance for the first time (I'd managed two times to be majorly depressed with other issues and gotten excellent grades in spite of it) and called up my old dietitian since the depression had caused me to lose weight. She encouraged me to see one of the therapists she worked with, and we hit it off immediately.

I first saw the new T (call her T2) in a small group setting a few times, but I knew right away that I wanted her to be my T. She was so insightful, experienced yet young enough to be relatable, and it just worked. I thought my other T1 was the best T ever and that it couldn't get any better. And while I honestly don't think the other ones I tried out were a good match, I'm pretty sure I wasn't open to them anyway. It took time, but I eventually found this new T2 who I went on to see for 1.5 years and I think she is now the best T ever and can't imagine anyone replacing her. She went on maternity leave about halfway through my time with her and I know I was NOT receptive to her fill-in. It took me most of the 3 months of her leave to realize and open up to the temporary replacement, who actually had some good insight and even made me feel comfortable enough to share something I hadn't even told my wonderful T2.

Last year, I moved again and had a mess of a time missing my T2 and literally ran out of a session with a T here who was perfectly nice and probably really knew what she was doing. I just wasn't ready to leave my old T2 behind. I just recently started up again with someone purposely different than anyone I've seen before (an older male rather than a female about 10 yrs older than me) and so far so good.

To sum up: I thought I had the best T ever. While she helped me with so much, my time with her was done and eventually a new T2 became the best. My experience with so many T's (over 10 in 6 years) has taught me to be open minded and to realize that they each have something to offer me. I've seen a couple of student T's, and the most inexperienced one of all who clearly had a difficult time with me (but she was all I could afford at the time), gave me one of my most meaningful sessions ever. I do not believe there is only ONE perfect T for each person, but that we need to be open-minded and explore how different T's can help us on our journey. Some just won't work out, and others deserve a chance. You deserve a chance to find healing.

I'm just now starting off with someone totally different than the T's I got super attached to and so I don't expect to feel the same. In fact, while my last T was awesome, I did get stuck sometimes, so it's worth it (for myself) to try something different to get past those therapy roadblocks. I would say to treasure the time you had with your previous T and know it will NOT be the same with someone new and that can be a wonderful thing.

I am with my one t now. I did not click with my first two Ts, which made me think therapy was useless. It was very "vanilla" then. i looked foward to it as much as going to the dentist. Then, my best friend did some research because I was so depressed and she was worried and found my one t. She had gone to my same school for undergrad, is a Christian counselor (I had never sought this out before, but it has been helpful to me), and as rain boots said, is young enough to be relatable (approx 10 years older than me). We "clicked" almost immediately, and she continued to build trust in our relationship. I equate it to this, if she was never my therapist and I met her in another capacity, I know that we could be friends. However, I'm so glad she is not my friend because I need her as my therapist. To be honest, I do have a slight fear of losing her (what if she moves? What if she decides to stay home with her kids? What if she leaves the counseling group and goes into some institutional setting?). I know I could make it without her, but id rather not try....

I'm sorry for your loss...I can't imagine the grieving process. . Although I don't think I'll ever click with a t like this t, she has drawn me out if the deepest, darkest depths, I do know that I could click with another t if I had to...

Is that how love works? You can only love one therapist at a time?

By that criterion, my current therapist is certainly the best I've ever had. But maybe the next one will be better!

I didn't grieve well until I met my current T. It is possible to learn it however old you may be. (I was forty.)

I'm afraid my T will refer me to someone even tougher than herself.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, and I did not skip ahead to the ending. I am hoping maybe there is someone(s) else for me in my future who can be helpful too, like your experiences. Good luck with your new T!

Mine recommended to me someone very gentle, because he knew I was going to need it (I think). He was right at the time...just not anymore.

It's good to know I might still get a chance at learning to grieve..mid-30's and not a clue in the world.

If you're looking for sameness, you may not find it. A new T will not have "the same" connection with you that prior T did. However, it is entirely possible to find a T with whom you have an "equally strong" connection or who understands you "just as well." It may take some time, though. It sounds like you know current T isn't the right fit; that happens, too. But, if you decide to end with current T and look for a new T, it may take more than just 1, 2, or 3 sessions to determine if new T could be "the one." Even if you did click immediately with old T, not all T relationships work that way-- even if your old one did.

Back in 2010, I also had my first "the one" T. The connection was instant, I made tons of progress, I thought it was perfect. But, when she changed jobs, I had to find a new T. At first, I was disappointed that she was nothing like my old T. For 6 months, I thought new T was inferior. But, 9 months in, new T became "the one"-- and more "the one" than my first T. She's absolutely incredible and she "gets me" inside and out--- but it took time. And, in order to get to that place, I had to process my grief at losing old T and I had to realize that new T would never be "just like" old T; she was completely different and, for me, that difference was better! Now, it's like "old T who?" Seriously. New T is SO much better for me. But, if you asked me back in 2010...or 2011...I would have said "NO way!"

I thought that my previous T was going to be the one who took me to sanity. After 7 years, there was one main part of my pathology that we definitely didn't click on. I have trouble remembering a lot, but we must have clicked sometimes, he helped me through when my Stepdad and Mom passed away. He ended up not being the one to take me to the end of my journey, and I interviewed a few Ts and now have my current T. I feel like we really have a good connection, even with me being in and out so to speak. He is kind, compassionate, accepts my anger, tries to accept my neediness I think, and is very knowledgeable. So, there is hope out there, you just have to find a good fit. It can happen twice, even when you have outgrown one therapist's set of skills, it is possible to find another to meet you where you are. Keep us posted.