[CantExplain]

TRIGGER WARNING: Mention (in passing) of Suicide.

I arrived angry but I thought I'd dispose of a trivial matter first. I told T I was cancelling our next session to pay for an Aspergic assessment. T then insisted on discussing the cancellation policy.

Except there was no policy. I felt I had been put in the wrong she hadn't even told me what she wanted. I felt crushed and powerless and angry and rejected and betrayed. To me, it wasn't about money, it was about mutual commitment. Love, in fact. She admitted we hadn't had this discussion before precisely because I am so regular about attendance and meticulous about payment. (I pay her by internet banking.)

Me: I have always tried to pay you on time, no matter how angry I was.

I told her how upset I was when she questioned my payment last year.

T: Why didn't you tell me then?
Me: We had other things to fight about at the time.
T: You don't like it when I question your love.
Me: No I don't!

I was ready for a combative session but I didn't expect to be ambushed coming in the door!

We talked about how I felt but she still made no specific demands. I told her this was a stupid game and she replied that it was no game. Nevertheless we moved on.

I told her about feeling unsupported in the session about my teenage daughter. T said she was trying to empower me by pointing out how powerless I was. She was trying to help me find my power. My experience was exactly the opposite. I felt dis-empowered.

T: It seems the whole thing was about power, powerlessness and responsibility.
Me: "Powerlessness and responsibility" is a particularly deadly combination. People kill themselves over that.

I told her what I wanted and expected. She said that when I don't get what I want I don't want what I get. The power struggle again in another form.

I lamented that when I am upset, (sad and angry), I don't listen. My boss and my wife always calm me down before trying to reason with me. T says she will never do that because it would be pandering to my power, and that would be bad for me.

Me: I don't have these power struggles with other people.
T: You have in the past. And in your other relationships, the other person always backs down first.
Me: Even my boss?
T: Yes. He lets you do what you want most of the time. You always want the position of power in your relationships. That's why you don't get on with your brother-in-law. He refuses to let you boss him around.
Me: I think that argument works rather better for my sister-in-law.
T: OK. Whatever.

So T's plan for me is to get me comfortable with powerlessness and to persuade me to let go of power. But it always feels to me that she is trying to take my power from me by force.

(Oh dear. There's a Freudian cliche for that. But hey, that's something I can look up on the internet.)

Finally, she left it up to me to decide whether I would come next week or not, pay for next week or not.

I'm not going to go, but I shall pay her half her fee for the cancelled session.

[H3rmit]

Hey, you sound very upset. Trigger warning, but then you never do talk about that trigger.

Anyway good luck with the upcoming assessment.

[unaluna]

Wow. But you know, it really is like Woody Allen joked in Annie Hall - "My therapist is a very strict Freudian - if you sui, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."

Your write-up here is amazingly clear to me in terms of cause and effect, hint of hostility and Ts reaction. Very honest work.

[elliemay]

It must be very very tiring to constantly have to maintain the power position in a situation, especially those where control is completely out of your hands.

Seems like it would be a nice break for you to sort of let go of the reigns a bit. Live. Relax. Be less afraid.

Of course, I think that's something we all struggle with.

[stopdog]

I am surprised that you cannot cancel an appointment a week ahead of time without the therapist expecting you to pay. I know there are ones who operate like that, I just did not realize you work with one who does. To me that is a therapist who wants too much power.
I do not understand her reasons she gave you. Good luck with it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

1. Hey, you sound very upset.
2. Trigger warning, but then you never do talk about that trigger.
3. Anyway good luck with the upcoming assessment.

1. I'm not sure how upset I am right now. Outwardly I am composed, and my wife is in the house.
2. I don't use the trigger word, no. But I do talk about the concept.
3. Thank you for your good wishes!

[CantExplain]

I really hated talking about the cancellation policy under those conditions. If she had simply said, “You didn’t give me enough warning. I’m afraid I’m going to have to charge you for that session,” I would have been much less upset than I was.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Seems like it would be a nice break for you to sort of let go of the reigns a bit. Live. Relax. Be less afraid.

Of course, I think that's something we all struggle with.

Is there a pill for that? 'Cos ten years of therapy hasn't been enough.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am surprised that you cannot cancel an appointment a week ahead of time without the therapist expecting you to pay. I know there are ones who operate like that, I just did not realize you work with one who does. To me that is a therapist who wants too much power.
I do not understand her reasons she gave you. Good luck with it.

Well yes, that's how I see it too. T's power fixation is at least as bad as mine!

Thanks!

[CantExplain]

T says, “Being comfortable with powerlessness will make you powerful.”

[unaluna]

Your thread title is absolutely right. You pulled a power play on her. Why are you objecting to her acknowledging it? I don't understand. By going for an assessment, you're telling her that you don't value her opinion or her time. Either come out and say it, or work with her on scheduling an assessment that doesn't interfere, but you didn't do that. You scheduled an extra session, then you in effect tried to take away her bonus. Total power play. And I can't tell if you're playing dumb about this to get your own way or what. Do you really not see how it can be interpreted? Your time is your time - you both made a commitment. I think that's what she is saying. I would also say, Stopdog has not made the same commitment for that time to her t.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

I would also say, Stopdog has not made the same commitment for that time to her t.

I don't understand what you mean. The therapist and I have agreed upon how to handle appointments and cancellations that work for us. I sometimes cancel. I give reasonable notice of such. The therapist sometimes cancels. She generally gives reasonable notice unless it is because of illness or her dog. I would not work with one who thought I could never cancel without paying.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Your thread title is absolutely right. You pulled a power play on her. Why are you objecting to her acknowledging it? I don't understand. By going for an assessment, you're telling her that you don't value her opinion or her time. Either come out and say it, or work with her on scheduling an assessment that doesn't interfere, but you didn't do that. You scheduled an extra session, then you in effect tried to take away her bonus. Total power play. And I can't tell if you're playing dumb about this to get your own way or what. Do you really not see how it can be interpreted? Your time is your time - you both made a commitment. I think that's what she is saying. I would also say, Stopdog has not made the same commitment for that time to her t.

No so fast, young Hank!

1. I talked to her two weeks ago about getting an assessment. She gave her blessing then.

2. And the conflict is money, not time. I have a finite mental health budget and the assessment must come out of T's allocation.

3. I asked T today, "Do you feel rejected?" She said she did a bit, and this was a "double whammy". But I was not to stop on that account.

4. I am hoping that the assessment will throw up some new ideas. T wants to hear what they are.

[stopdog]

What was a double whammy in this if she knew of the assessment and the finite mental health budget?

[CantExplain]

Hankster, if I may tease you just a little bit:

Husband: I told you weeks back I was going to take the guys to the football game.
Wife: But you didn't say you were going to use the car!

Standard cancellation policy here is less than 24hrs notice you pay half fee, except for exceptional circumstances.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Standard cancellation policy here is less than 24hrs notice you pay half fee, except for exceptional circumstances.

On the whole continent? I don't think there is a standard cancellation policy for north america or the united states. In the private sector, therapists are free to make up whatever suits them and clients free to decide whether to work in that or not. There are many different variations that I know of.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

2. I don't use the trigger word, no. But I do talk about the concept.

I missed it when I read it a few times, sorry. That changes my impression of upset.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Your thread title is absolutely right. You pulled a power play on her.

Maybe you are right. Maybe my Aspergers assessment is just another move in our power game.

Originally Posted by stopdog

On the whole continent? I don't think there is a standard cancellation policy for north america or the united states. In the private sector, therapists are free to make up whatever suits them and clients free to decide whether to work in that or not. There are many different variations that I know of.

Yep, its the same in most businesses, lawyers etc. The australian Psycholoy Association sets out standards, including fee and cancellation policies.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

On the whole continent? I don't think there is a standard cancellation policy for north america or the united states. In the private sector, therapists are free to make up whatever suits them and clients free to decide whether to work in that or not. There are many different variations that I know of.

The way my T talked, it sounded like she had different rules for each patient.

[stopdog]

I have different rules for each therapist.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Maybe you are right. Maybe my Aspergers assessment is just another move in our power game.

How so? And even if so, what is wrong with knowledge?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

How so? And even if so, what is wrong with knowledge?

Subconsciously, I could be saying to T: "I don't trust you. I don't need you. I have other options."

Some of which is true.

My conscious reason is, that I believe Aspergers is an important piece of the the puzzle and T has neglected that.

[stopdog]

Does she not believe you are asperger's or does she not believe it matters?