I am once again thinking about changing therapists. I am such a dork, I know. Long story short, I am super uncomfortable with how I feel about my T. Still. I dislike the intensity involved. I dislike the element of pain in adoring him and knowing I am not really part of his life. I am unaccustomed to feeling like I need anything or anyone, and he has stirred up all this weirdness where I feel like I WANT stuff that I will never actually get.

So, I keep thinking I want to return to my previous therapist, who I actually did like. It feels much more comfortable to have a gay therapist than this attractive, very ... MALE therapist. I know that he has been very, very good for me in many ways. I am no longer so crazy depressed. We are addressing issues that I would SWORN I would never, ever, EVER talk about to anyone on the planet, ever. EVER. So there's that.

He also calls me when I need him to. He lets me email him. If I were to quit, I KNOW he would call me and at least want to talk to me about it (because he called my friend after she quit therapy, just to reassure her he wasn't upset because he knew she would be worried about that).

When I quit with exT, he never bothered to call me. I sent him a letter letting him know about the hugely upsetting stuff with the pdoc, and the ******** she said that he had said, and he never called me even then. It was years later that I called him to see about a referral for a victim in a case, and that's when he finally told me he had not said any of those things. Clearly, exT does not care about me in the way that T does. I was clearly exT's job, and he was not that emotionally invested in me. BUT I kind of like that. There's a certain relief in that. I don't care as much what he thinks. There's no intensity there from either of us. There is no pain or loss associated with that relationship.

With T, there is intensity there from both sides. His acknowledgement of the intensity on his side helps to make me feel like less of a freak for what I feel, and I have absolute faith (and despair) that T is never crossing lines with me. LOL.

So, I guess this is me thinking out loud and asking for an outside view of whether I am simply fleeing because of the issues we are working, or if I am legitimately trying to protect myself from pain. Or some combination thereof.

(((MKAC))).... Talk about it to him? I was once told therapy was hard work and I wasn't working hard enough?? Maybe the harder stuff just sucks!

LOL. It's not the hard work; I don't think. I think I have made huge progress and faced most stuff head on. The thing I don't want to face is how attached I am to him and how intensely I feel about him. I think I would start at about this spot with exT after bringing him up to speed on what I've already covered with T.

[Wren_]

I can understand the attachment part ... but, is ex-T really the best choice?

if so much of the work you know has been good is with current T maybe if you must move on it should be with someone new rather than going backwards?

I hope you talk more about this with your current T first to see if he has suggestions

[doyoutrustme]

Sounds like therapy must be going well. Hang on tight, and when you're feeling brave, tell him that you feel like quitting because its getting too intense. You can work through it. maybe he'll even slow down.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

LOL. It's not the hard work; I don't think. I think I have made huge progress and faced most stuff head on. .

You DO face stuff head on. You go in and talk about your issues, even when it would feel much easier to repeat the same annoying pattern over and over. We have all seen you make huge progress on this board.

Thank you both, tigergirl and DYTM. I have discussed it with him in the past. He has said it's obviously my choice, and he doesn't want me carrying pain and shame that isn't mine for one minute longer than necessary. So if I think talking to exT would help, he thinks I should do that. However, he also said that he believed there was something valuable to be learned and experienced in sticking it out and working through the emotions and the shame.

I don't think it's the work that is too intense, although I could be wrong. It seems like it's just the feelings for him that are too intense.

[pbutton]

You walked in there on the first day & thought "Crap. This guy is HOT." Right? That would be hard for me to deal with. It wouldn't all be transference, some of it is that you'd want to nail him if he was your gardener... your sweaty, glistening gardener...

[WikidPissah]

Isn't XT MT's partner or something? Wasn't there a breach of confidence? Or something.

Head scratch.

You wouldn't really be able to biotch about MT with him. But I totally get the "too attached" feeling. I prefer a safe professional distance for t.

No answers for you, but good luck.

Originally Posted by pbutton

You walked in there on the first day & thought "Crap. This guy is HOT." Right? That would be hard for me to deal with. It wouldn't all be transference, some of it is that you'd want to nail him if he was your gardener... your sweaty, glistening gardener...

Oh my god.

I cannot get that image out of my head.

Trying to get a grip so I can answer the phone. Laughing so hard.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Isn't XT MT's partner or something? Wasn't there a breach of confidence? Or something.

Head scratch.

You wouldn't really be able to biotch about MT with him. But I totally get the "too attached" feeling. I prefer a safe professional distance for t.

No answers for you, but good luck.

Total hijack of my own thread -- YEA WIKID!!!! SO incredibly glad you are here!!!

Thank you for reminding me about the whole thing with them talking. I completely blocked that out. So NOT exT, but some other T then.

MKAC... I so totally get the "too attached" feeling... it is why I left xT but xT was just a mediocre therapist.. (I didn't know that till I left and found a new one)... It was really really hard with xT to experience 50 minutes of wonderful man and then going home and experiencing the rest of the week with Mr Ho Hum... Ignores Me Man. (and I wasn't even physically attracted to my T). But there is a level of work that takes place when emotions are high and you are all invested, that doesn't happen with a T that the relationship is just there... (IME)

I like my current T (woman) and I'm learning lots of tools and current day help but its not the same as the level of work with xT ...

I still (6 months later) go back and forth on whether I did the right thing with xT.

[unaluna]

Probably a dumb question, and maybe too indicative of my dried up hormones and other parts, or my background as a loose woman - yeah, I'm not old!, I'm a reformed slut - but what is the big deal?? Haven't you ever been attracted to anyone besides your H before? Aside from that, I think the intense feelings for T can have therapeutic value if you can accept them as something to be examined but not acted upon. You seem to see them as separate from therapy. That's probably healthy and adult - I just can't relate to it, no surprise there, I'm sure!

Originally Posted by hankster

Probably a dumb question, and maybe too indicative of my dried up hormones and other parts, or my background as a loose woman - yeah, I'm not old!, I'm a reformed slut - but what is the big deal?? Haven't you ever been attracted to anyone besides your H before? Aside from that, I think the intense feelings for T can have therapeutic value if you can accept them as something to be examined but not acted upon. You seem to see them as separate from therapy. That's probably healthy and adult - I just can't relate to it, no surprise there, I'm sure!

I actually have never been this intensely attracted to anyone before. My H and I were best friends and it wasn't until he touched me for the first time that fireworks went off for me with him. I have had little crushes on other guys since getting married, but I just avoided that man in question until it went away.

T says I have never allowed myself to be this "intimate" emotionally with anyone, and that, combined with the fact that we find each other attractive, is what is causing the huge intensity for me. He, apparently, has the ability to think I'm attractive and be intimate emotionally without it being some huge deal. Probably because he is healthier than me and because he has training.

[lostin08]

Originally Posted by hankster

Probably a dumb question, and maybe too indicative of my dried up hormones and other parts, or my background as a loose woman - yeah, I'm not old!, I'm a reformed slut - but what is the big deal?? Haven't you ever been attracted to anyone besides your H before? Aside from that, I think the intense feelings for T can have therapeutic value if you can accept them as something to be examined but not acted upon. You seem to see them as separate from therapy. That's probably healthy and adult - I just can't relate to it, no surprise there, I'm sure!

Hankster I almost peed my pants reading this OMG! To funny.

[healed84]

I have no words of advice.. Just wanted to say, I hope you get it all figured out. I had a moment of freak out recently about feeling way too attatched to my T and fearing that something would happen.. but nothing like this. (((hugs))) MKAC... I think what Hankster said, is good!

[wotchermuggle]

Usually when I find I want to run, is when the really good work gets done.

I fear that if you go back to your xT you will be singing the sorrows of that he doesn't care about you.

You can't have it both ways.

I'd suggest just sharing about your thoughts about quitting. I've done it before and I didn't die, so I know you can too.

[feralkittymom]

MKAC, MKAC, MKAC

You are in the thick of it. I do think this is a transitory panic and that you'd be better off sitting patiently and looking at it than running.

A bit like a horse shy of the saddle, eh?

Usually when I find I want to run, is when the really good work gets done.

I agree with this. But even more, I just feel like you have an opportunity (how's that for positive spin?) to achieve something really transforming if you can stick it out through the emotional turbulence. I have this wacky notion that post therapy gains correlate to the depth and intensity of emotional engagement.

I think you can achieve healing with another T; but I think you have a shot at achieving a level of positivity--joy--beyond just the absence of pain, if you can let yourself feel these feelings fully and safely.

That's what I want for you.

[Nightlight]

I've been wondering lately if I too should return to a former therapist who I was much less attached to (and who I saw for a while at the same time as I was seeing first and current T). I liked my current T immediately. I didn't even need to know anything about her, it was like I could sense that her values were similar to mine (and she's been open and I don't think I was ever wrong either). I just met her and I reallyreallyreally liked her as a person in a way that I don't usually like anybody. That's the only reason I gave therapy a chance and let myself be helped, because by some miracle she was the first person I saw and she was the right person. I couldn't have asked for better.

Except I can't really imagine my life without her in it, because she means so much to me. Huge feelings come up because of it too. What did I miss out on growing up? What would it be like to have someone to be attached to who really belongs in my life, loves me, and stays? Am I good enough for her, does she actually like me at all?

So I've been really sensitive to rejection and other things while working with her. It's made our recent ruptures so hard. It's brought up all sorts of really intense emotions. I have discovered things I missed out on, but I'm still not sure how possible it is to work through all of this.

I know I'm not thinking about this for quite the same as the reasons as you are, but I think that if I returned to my former therapist, or someone else, I wouldn't have the chance to work through something important. Part of me thinks it's what I needed to experience and what I needed to work through. It was important that I found this person and these feeling came up. I wouldn't have the chance to work through it in the same way if I was working with someone else. Still, after all of this and all of the emotions tied into it, it would be nice to just go to have some practical help and that's it.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

MKAC, MKAC, MKAC

You are in the thick of it. I do think this is a transitory panic and that you'd be better off sitting patiently and looking at it than running.

A bit like a horse shy of the saddle, eh?

Usually when I find I want to run, is when the really good work gets done.

I agree with this. But even more, I just feel like you have an opportunity (how's that for positive spin?) to achieve something really transforming if you can stick it out through the emotional turbulence. I have this wacky notion that post therapy gains correlate to the depth and intensity of emotional engagement.

I think you can achieve healing with another T; but I think you have a shot at achieving a level of positivity--joy--beyond just the absence of pain, if you can let yourself feel these feelings fully and safely.

That's what I want for you.

I'm new here but I just have to say that this is the most beautiful and moving thing I have ever seen written about therapy...

[CantExplain]

What I'm hearing is that you have powerful and unfamiliar feelings, and that scares you.

[Ike McCaslin]

I wish you the best, MKAC. i don't have any words of wisdom, but I identify with your plight. Trust your gut is all I would say. I don't think you will avoid the right path just because it may be the hardest.

[stopdog]

I admit I do not understand, but I am sorry that it is distressing to you. Good luck working through it.

[feralkittymom]

Ultramar,

Wow. Thank you. I'm glad if what I said touched you in some positive/helpful way.

[Perna]

You may not always be able to run away; I know you have said the other attractions you have felt to men after your marriage, you have just avoided the men until the attraction went away. Wouldn't you like to know you could trust yourself in your own skin, as your T obviously trusts himself in his, "go" where you want when you want without having to worry about yourself, knowing you would be okay? It's nice to be able to take care of yourself, be able to center yourself and not have to rely on others or circumstances to help support you or go your way.