Cannot believe I'm doing this again

I don't have any answers but I wanted to tell you that I can indentify with some of your feelings about your H and about your T. I do think that sticking with your T might be more productive than switching. Good luck in working this out.

Yes. I have wanted to quit. But I know I would be running away (yet again) and what is happening to me is really something I need to experience. Even if it's painful. I am learning what I long for. Which is open, deep, and caring relationships. And I'm learning that I deserve this. Not to be used, or as a sexual object.

We have agreed that the love for each other goes beyond the physical world. That helps me. I tell him all of it though and that helps too. I get aroused in session. I tell him. I tell him more then I probably should, but 9 months in and I know he can handle it.

My attraction isn't just his looks. We connect and he fascinates me. And that's okay. It hurts a lot. But not having him as my therapist would hurt more. I'm healing. If you are healing and growing, it's what counts.

Hopefully you can get to the point where the honeymoon is at least kinda over? There are times when my t, cute as he is, will do or say something that is SOOOOO unattractive to me, that I'm dumbfounded. I'm like, omg and I thought THIS was... ugh!!! And we're not even talking having a bat in the cave; that, I find endearing! It's when he laughs like an old uncle of mine... anyway, something like that might help you see him in a different light.