difficult day

I think I need to talk to someone. I have had one of those days which are emotionally overwhelming. Nothing bad has happened or anything overly eventful but it has been quite long and intense where I have been with people all day. I like being around people but emotionally it can become a bit of a rollercoaster. Sometimes I have felt excluded even though I know I am not being and people getting on with each other doesn't mean they care any more or less about me...but inside I have felt 'disposable' (for want of a better word). At other times interacting outside the group of people I know has caused my heart rate to fluctuate up and down all day giving me bad headaches. I notice I become less able to think independently but at the same time anxious not to seem too needy or close to someone who might turn and talk to someone else. This all sounds so stupid writing down but I find it so overwhelming and I really dont know why. I am crying because I would like to feel less jittery but I am not sure how to calm myself. I need to get space around me again but I am not sure how.
I have been on a break from my therapist for a month. I haven't figured out how I feel about it all...i want to email her because I want ?containment of my feelings but I can't because there is too much not said yet between us. I want to feel safe but I am not sure I want to step towards her yet. Besides I feel so silly to email saying that I feel overwhelmed over nothing and I dont know if I want her knowing I am having a difficult day.

Please if anyone can could you offer a safe 'i'm listening' and maybe if you know of any ways to get distance back. I was thinking deep breathing but I am already quite spacey. I feel like an idiot for getting overwhelmed, does anyone else get spacey from being around people too much? I am sure tomorrow I will feel a bit better and that it just feels too much right now but really it isn't. I do feel a bit better from just writing this. Thank you.

Oh, one of those days. Yeah, they suck. For what it's worth, I don't think it would be silly to email your T.

Here's what I suggest: do something nice for yourself. Just something small. I like to have a nice bath and read a book. Nurture yourself. Even if you don't feel like you want to, the experience of doing it will have a positive effect.

I think it's good that you wrote this down. Can I ask why you took a break from your T? Was it your decision?

Lastly, sometimes I feel anxious or upset and I think it's about one thing when really it's not. I was getting anxious over all sorts of things before I started T, and it was like my feelings were leaking out in all sorts of random places. So maybe this is a sign of how you feel in general, or something else that's going on? Maybe it's not, just seemed worth putting out there.

(((hugs)))

Hi Abby,

I'm sorry you're struggling today. Not knowing the history between you and your T, it's difficult to say whether it would be a good idea to contact her. But generally speaking, I think it's just fine to let your T know that you're overwhelmed.

I totally get the hypervigilance stuff in social settings. Try to remind yourself that, unless you've got your skirt tucked into your underwear, probably no one is paying close enough attention to characterize you as needy, or anything else, for that matter.

This too shall pass.

I am listening, Abby.

One thing is sure, you are not feeling overwhelmed over nothing. that's sort of a contradiction in terms. You may have trouble articulating whatever it is, but it's something all right, even a big something.

wishing you peace, whether you decide to contact T or not (might consider it though)
SAWE

Hi Abby,
Sorry your day has been hard and that you are overwhelmed. I am listening if you want to share more? Of course you don't have to if you don't want!
Is there something about being in a group setting that triggers you? Maybe you have been the target of others jokes or bad treatment before or is this anxiety that you might be rejected- either way it sucks to feel like this and this feeling is not nothing if it makes you feel like this. I think you should email your t, maybe you should consider terminating your break and starting again with this subject?
People can't make us feel anything, only we can feel stuff about ourselves so maybe this is distorted thinking.
Abby, please do like Tinyrabbit suggested and do something nice for yourself.

I have days like that. Where I just get seem to "grab on" to anything. I call them my "inside out" days. Everything hurts.

I totally agree with Rabbit. On those days we really have to take care of ourselves. Just a little bit of self nurturting goes a very very long way.

For me, the hurt is usually coming from an old place. I surround myself with things a child would. It helps.

Actually my therapist recommended that, and I never thought it would work, but it did.

What kind of things, Elliemay? Just as I think it might help me too.

hi Abby,

thinking of you today. I hope you are in a more peaceful place.

It is ok to have those days, evn though they stink. I hope you are feeling better today.

If you are an introvert it can be draining to be around people all day. Introverts loose energy when around other people (extroverts gain energy by being around people). Don't you come from a big family?

I want to thank everyone for all your replies and hugs. I haven't had the opportunity to reply till now because it has been another busy day but I have managed to read bits throughout the day and it has really helped me to have somewhere I could fall apart and talk openly without fear.

Thank you. I did manage to have a bath. Unfortunately I only had 45 minutes before I had to go out again but it really helped to take some time, however short, to shut out the world. I think simply locking the bathroom door made me feel better because really that was what I wanted to do on the inside - keep people out for a bit till I recovered! I think physically doing that was important for me.

I decided to take a break from my therapist because I felt exhausted from going every session and leaving upset. I think we were both a bit to intwined and it was hurting to much. In fact reflecting on it, it was a bit like yesterdays situation, I just felt I needed time on my own. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I need to go away to calm down because I lose sight of myself. So I agree that my anxiety yesterday was more than just the situation itself. I have been feeling really worthless recently which I know is untrue because I am not worthless but it is a difficult feeling to have powerfully and yet still interact with the world.

Thank you. I decided not to email my therapist because I got such fantastic support on here plus I felt that doing so may upset me further. I agree with you; I try to remind myself that just because I feel disgusting doesn't mean people see me as disgusting and more than that, to get outside myself so that I can see everyone has problems and difficulties. I have been trying to keep my eyes open a lot recently to other people.

I really appreciate you reminding me that "this too shall pass" - it is easy to forget when I feel terrible.

Thank you for saying that you are listening. It is very powerful for me to hear that simple sentence. And thank you for allowing me to have the right to feel overwhelmed by vague feelings that I couldn't articulate well. It meant a lot to read "wishing you peace" because I realised that is what I am searching for yesterday/today, and in life generally. It may sound obvious but I didn't see the connection between "I don't want to feel so jittery" and the need for peace. It was insightful for me.

Thank you for saying that you are listening. It really means a lot to me. I think being in a group sometimes is difficult when I feel worthless. It feels a bit like I am standing there naked trying to cover myself up scared that at any minute everyone will notice. I have no reason to feel worthless which is in itself difficult because I try to carry on interacting as though everything is okay for me but that is so exhausting. It isn't that I don't want to be seen, because I do, when there is so much chatting that I can't find the words to get people to engage with me in the way I want, I feel like I'm sat down a well...but then I don't want them to engage with me too much so they realise I'm naked! Ahhh this is a terrible analogy that has gotten out of hand, I apologise I hope it made a small amount of sense!! Sometimes I feel I set myself up to not be happy tbh - I think that is what my therapist believes, it certainly isn't conscious.

Thank you. I like that - "my inside out day" - that sums it up quite nicely! I think that part of the difficulty I was having was that I was in busy setting and I couldn't get any time to nurture myself in ways I know can sometimes calm me down so it got to the point where I was crying and beyond what normally can help. I find blocking out the sound of other people helpful and warmth. But those can be especially hard to achieve sometimes, especially at work! I think my want to reach out to my therapist was the childish part in me raising its head, I wanted to tell someone to be taken care of, but I was in conflict because I knew that wouldn't be the reality.

Thank you, I am feeling a bit better. My anxiety levels are vastly reduced, I simply have the residual "I'm worthless" feelings. But I will sleep soon so maybe another day will reduce that further too.

Thank you. I'm not an introvert exactly because I like being social, I like being involved in things, I do put myself forward a lot. I think I'm dr jekyll and mr hyde tbh! You're right, I come from a big family so I am used to lots of people being around.

These ^ are all things that introverts would feel/need/say.

Introversion/extroversion is not really yes or no but can be on a scale too. Maybe take care of your introversion needs and take care of your extroversion needs?

I like to be around people too but I can only take it in doses. I need time to recover because introverts loose energy by being around people.

Our societies give us messages that extroversion is superior to introversion so us introverts are always trying to be extroverts because we think that this is what is expected. Since you came from a large family you might have gotten this message even more strongly.

I can really see how maybe this could have led to you feeling worthless. You are in a big family and have trouble coping with that sometimes and then you feel bad about it.

It is okay to be an introvert. Embrace it and use that knowledge to take better care of yourself by giving yourself time to recharge.

Maybe I am more of an introvert than I believed myself to be. I always equated being an introvert with being shy which I am not; anxiety-ridden yeh but definately not shy! I can only manage people in small doses too like you. I like people but I do wish I could neutralise them a lot. I have noticed I tend to gravitate towards friends that have a calmness and quietness about them...I think secretly I want these qualities! Although I react quite strongly to those that are too calm because they make me feel very neurotic! I do find myself exhausted by people that are chatty but I assumed that was due to pretending to be engaged by the topics of conversation rather than the chattiness itself.

I will use this knowledge to give myself the opportunity to 'let myself off the hook' sometimes when I am not being what I expect myself to be. Thank you. Perhaps there will always be occasions where I will feel "inside-out" because it is too sociable for me...

The more time goes on the more I wonder why I am in therapy at all. I'm not happy but I'm not sure anyone is. Perhaps I'm just more introverted and sensitive than other people (or at least to what they admit to and I can 'pick up' on!) and that means I'm more aware of it than others. I wonder if my mind is simply habituated to coping via hurting myself similar to the leap it takes to suicidal ideation so often. Perhaps life is just all a bit grey...besides it isn't that I'm not blessed, maybe I just have too much time to be indulgent! Sometimes I wonder if I am waiting for an impossibility.

Maybe all you need to do is get to know yourself better and accept who you are and then you can take better care of yourself? I know that I have made some leaps and bounds with this myself over this last year.