[Willowleaf]

Why does this happen. T has been away on break and I managed to cope really well. The last couple of sessions before the break were good and I felt at peace which I managed to keep with me whilst she was away. Yesterday she was back and I desperately wanted to renew the connection and get some relief for the feelings that were bubbling up under the surface. Instead I got very frustrated. I even tried to talk to her about it and she was great but I got more and more mad at myself. By the end of the session I told her I hate myself. Now I feel awful and really anxious and am about to get up and go to work and pretend everything is ok.
Unfortunately I had a horrible feeling this would happen. Now I just want to sh and hide away. Does this happen to anyone else after a break? It doesn't happen to me every time but enough for me to realise there is a pattern. Unfortunately self awareness doesn't make it feel any easier

[ECHOES]

(((Willowleaf)))

I have had the same pattern. I can cope absolutely fine while my T is away, be very happy for her opportunity to travel or be with family, but then when she returns is when I have the issues. Very much like you, I would be disappointed and frustrated after sessions when we resumed. Or I would be very withdrawn in the sessions.
Like you and your T, we have talked about it and explored the possibility of repressed anger/disappointment about her going off and leaving me, fear of losing the connection, and even a combination - the fear of losing the connection causing me to deny the anger/disappointment. Also, the idea of withdrawing as a self-protective behavior, to avoid getting hurt like that again. Also the idea of withdrawing as a passive retaliation.

It's exhausting and disappointing to have happen when everything seems to be going smoothly

[tinyrabbit]

Maybe it's your reaction to the break, which you sensibly delayed until after it was over?

[Willowleaf]

Thanks, yes I'm sure it is my reaction and I was a little worried it might happen. Echoes I'm so sorry that the same thing seems to happen to you. We've been exploring similar things which is great but the anxiety is not! How long for it to settle down again.........