[thawing]

The title pretty much sums it up. This week hasn't been great. Every single time I've gone to sleep, I've dreamt that I'm being chased or killed by someone. (interesting observation I'd be terrified to bring up: often being killed by germans. I think t is german. what does this mean?!). If I don't have THAT delightful dream I have the other now reoccurring nightmare that either I'm being told that my sessions have run out, or t telling me I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve therapy and that she doesn't ever want to see me again.
Often accompanied by waking in a panic when I hear noises and think it's someone trying to get into my bedroom.

Last night I couldn't sleep, and circa 1am I kind of relived this incident that occurred when I was 12. For the first time, instead of pushing it out of my mind, I wrote down the specific things I remembered. (even typing this now is making me lightheaded). things like the sensations of him and all the sensory information, i just could feel it as strong as if it was yesterdayinstead of 9 years ago.
i rread what i'd written and nearly threw up, i was triyng to stop myself throwing up and then thought i was going to passout and freaked out because tha'ts never happened in relation to that incident. im' freaking out now i just don't know how to handle it.

i was meant to have therapy at 8am this morning, i set my alarm for 6:15 and 6:25 as i usually do and woke up with a jolt at 8:05am. the one time I really really NEEDED it and I slept through. I'm struggling. I don't know what to do. I phoned up straight away to let them know but only spoke to the receptionist. I'm seeing her on Monday (I have twice-weekly appts) and I know it isn't that far away but I just need some support. I think I just need her steadiness or understanding. Which is interesting because I've worked so hard to not let myself need ANYTHING from her. But I would just like to hear her voice, or just something reassuring. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's the first time I've missed an appointment. Just more than anything I want an appointment right now. waa.

[tinyrabbit]

Oh no (((hugs)))

I'm sorry about this. Not surprising you overslept, I'm sure your T will understand. And you're right, it's not too far away even if it feels it now.

[thawing]

I hope she does. I'm worried she'll think I did it deliberately. I asked to change the time a while ago because 8am was too early for me, and a couple of sessions ago we had a 'discussion' about it. She didn't want to change the time I don't think but didn't say that outright. I'm worried she's going to think I overslept/missed the appointment deliberately to try and make a point about the time!
And I feel so guilty for getting her out of bed early and then not even turning up. She could have had more sleep!
And it's frustrating that if she was annoyed (which I would totally understand) she probably wouldn't say so. grrrr

[Raging Quiet]

((((Thawing))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

sleeping through my appointment - is a nightmare of mine. i am so sorry that happened to you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

sleeping through my appointment - is a nightmare of mine. i am so sorry that happened to you.

Literally my nightmare. I had it recently. I'm trying to catch the train and just miss it. Then I try to take buses. Then I'm driving. And I'm calling. Who is awake at that time?? I hope everything works out.

[feralkittymom]

I think if you show your T what you wrote, she will probably understand the oversleeping was an unstoppable reaction to the sensory overload of your experience.
It'll be ok.

[thawing]

She doesn't hate me (or she hides it well haha)

[Syra]

Originally Posted by thawing

She doesn't hate me (or she hides it well haha)

I can feel the relief in me (I've been in that situation before of fearing something but don't know what that "something" might be) and I imagine the relief you feel is much greater. I'm glad she doesn't hate you.