Therapy has been a struggle and lately, more often than not, I feel worse afterwards. T has misunderstood e mails, forgotten e mails and appointments, and it all hurts more than it helps. In the last year I have lost an inpatient T and my social worker, along with my med nurse. I am so used to being left, I expectit to happen. Many of the professionals I worked with and worked with very well, have moved on. I don't feel there's a "safety net" for me at all. Nowmy T is getting older, being forgetful or just not acting like he cares any more. I've seen him for at least 15 years andit's never been this bad. It feels like we're on seperate planets.
Loss is huge right now as I said before, with my treators and also my family, as they have more or less written me off for unknown reasons. I'm also going through empty nest thing which is killing me. My depression has increased 100%.
I wonder if I should cut my losses with T. I would not be willing to begin again with a new T.It all hurts too much to deal with T or my family at all. My suicidality has increased a lot.But it might be better if it was I who ended our relationship, rather than wait for him to write me off. I am under lots of stress both financial, with relationships and don't see me as fixable any more. I'm much too broken.

[CantExplain]

((Calista))

[Nightlight]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It sounds like you still need some help from someone if things are that bad, but I can also understand not wanting to start over. I've seen my T for four years, and starting over after that time would be hard enough.

My T has taken a second job and been much busier and she's also been forgetting a lot of important stuff, getting really angry with me, and all sorts of other huge mistakes. I was always ignored or forgotten in the past, so I know what it's like when each event brings up such awful stuff.

When things are that low, it's so easy to see how nothing is possible, everything is hopeless...but I don't think that comes from clear, rational thinking at all (even though it sometimes feels so logical at the time). Sometimes you just can't see the possibilities from the inside and that's why I feel like it's important for you to receive some help from somewhere, someone, in some way. You do deserve to be helped. If you've been helped at all during the 15 years, then it is still possible for you to find help now. I don't believe that you're unfixable or beyond help. I do hear how hard it is for you though and I'm so sorry to hear that you're still struggling so much.

[Anne2.0]

I think if you could go to one more session and tell your T everything you said here, his reaction would be very important in helping you understand whether it's time or not. And, perhaps doing that would create a happy, or happier ending, if there is to be an ending.

All these things that you feel are really important, and I think your T can help you understand where these feelings come from and how they might be resolved. And then you would be somewhere else. Or he can't help, and you will know that you did everything you could, including being brutally honest, to make it work.

Calista , I get the empty nest thing ... it is very real and very hard. I agree with Anne, talk to your T about this.

I cancelled my last appointment because of the weather and since I didn't hear back from T, I thought it was ok. Later I got an e mail telling me that I was the one who was terminating with him by never showing up. He has cancelled appointments for weather , illness and conferences. I have cancelled because of illness, weather and total dispair. I have tried to help him understand this dispair. I feel I have lost everyone in my support circle. I never had support from family, so they don't really count. My pride is telling me to tell T that I quit, don't need him, and will do just fine on my own. My heart is breaking at the thought of giving him up especially now, since I feel so fragile. But what's the point when there is no safety net? If I needed a hospital, the one I usually go to has gone down the drain. They really don't give a damn about anything but their bottom line. It shows and it hurts and it makes getting better so much harder. I'm afraid to count on anyone now, eventhough I NEED someone or something to count on. I feel very alone. T said he wasn't giving up on me but if I don't show up, he can't be responsible for my treatment. (all true and logical) Maybe I expected too much. I thought he'd fight harder for me. I have been fighting all my life but I need help to care about my outcome now. I don't feel like there's anyone who truely cares if I live or die (including myself) I've explained to T how hard it is to leave the house now. (I don't know what that's about) but when I compare my existance now to 3 or 4 years ago, I cannot believe how far down I've fallen.
My pride is all I have left to protect me and that is making me stubborn. If I just terminate, I will be sabotaging myself. If I go back, I'm a sell out and not getting what I need. I feel very conflicted and confused. I know I'm in rough shape but without something/someone to really help me, why bother to try?
***Trigger warning for suicidal thinking****
Every night I lie in bed and think of hanging myself.Many times I've almost gotten out of bed to do it. This is the anniversary of an attempt that should have been fatal, that landed me in a state hospital, so I feel particularly raw,right now.
I'm just babbling now....I don't know what to do and I'm afraid.

[CantExplain]

((Calista))

Are you strong enough to try again with another T?

Some Ts are better than others.
Some Ts fit better than others.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think if you could go to one more session and tell your T everything you said here, his reaction would be very important in helping you understand whether it's time or not. And, perhaps doing that would create a happy, or happier ending, if there is to be an ending.

All these things that you feel are really important, and I think your T can help you understand where these feelings come from and how they might be resolved. And then you would be somewhere else. Or he can't help, and you will know that you did everything you could, including being brutally honest, to make it work.

I have told T how I feel many times. He can't understand it. He says the past speaks for itself. He HAS been wonderful, but lately something has changed. He won't admit that.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Calista))

Are you strong enough to try again with another T?

Some Ts are better than others.
Some Ts fit better than others.

Never...If I quit with him, I'm done. He has been the best T I have ever had.

I really cannot see any light at the end of this tunnel. There is too much wrong.

Does anyone think it would help to write all of this out, all that I feel, and fear, and reasons behind it and give it to T to read when I am not there? Should I ask that he try to answer the letter?

Adding to all of this is the fact that after my father died, I have lost family members, one by one, with no explaination. I have no idea why they hate me;they won't discuss it. I know I am old enough that it shouldn't bother me, but, I'm sorry...it is killing me to suddenly be without family. I just want to know what I've done wrong.

Sorry...I'll stop clogging the pages here. I just felt so alone and I needed to be heard.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

Adding to all of this is the fact that after my father died, I have lost family members, one by one, with no explaination. I have no idea why they hate me;they won't discuss it. I know I am old enough that it shouldn't bother me, but, I'm sorry...it is killing me to suddenly be without family. I just want to know what I've done wrong.

Sorry...I'll stop clogging the pages here. I just felt so alone and I needed to be heard.

Don't worry about clogging the pages. There's always room.

I can see you are in a very bad place. I wish I could help but all I can do is listen.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

Does anyone think it would help to write all of this out, all that I feel, and fear, and reasons behind it and give it to T to read when I am not there? Should I ask that he try to answer the letter?

It would probably help to write it out.
But would your T read it, and how would you feel if he didn't?

((((((((((Calista))))))))))))

I just lost my T and it hurt so much I honestly didn't think I could survive.

The worst part, looking back, was the "not knowing" - not knowing if I would/could continue, and then not knowing what it was going to feel like when it was over. And then, after it WAS over, not knowing if we were allowed to ever have contact again, what his thoughts were, things like that.

Working through the end has been EXCRUCIATING. It's been the hardest thing I've had to go through as an adult. AND I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it won't be this bad forever. My physical care has gone out the window while I've dealt with the emotional stuff (i've lived on bagels and no sleep for over a month) but just today I started thinking I need to take better care of myself physically, and I know that even that thought is a step in the right direction. I honestly never thought I'd even care again.

Looking back, I wish I would have fought for myself more when it was clear the relationship was going downhill. I did show up, and I did fight, but I didn't understand what I was fighting against. I would do it totally differently now if I could do it over again.

so, if you need to write the letter, I think you should write it.

And if therapy ends, know- KNOW - that you can survive. You can, and you will. and it will be hard, and it will get better.

Thinking of you and sending lots of safe

[Syra]

Originally Posted by nightsky2

((((((((((Calista))))))))))))

,,,And if therapy ends, know- KNOW - that you can survive. You can, and you will. and it will be hard, and it will get better.

Thinking of you and sending lots of safe

I agree with Nightsky. It happened to me. I was betrayed (emotionally, not sexually) during therapy, and then for months afterwards. I was initially devastated and wanted to hide. I've never felt so much pain for so long. It was hard. And like Nightsky, I did it. I not only survived, I thrived, eventually. I am better off today. If I had it to do over I don't know if I would go to her - there were some very good times. I know I am glad she terminated the relationship (well, I wish she terminated in a more professional and kind manner, but if she could have done that she wouldn't have wanted to terminate) It can be done. LIke they say: It gets better.[

[Butterflying]

Calista, I'm worried about you. As hard as it is, can u forgive your T and commit to working this out with him? That is what I have decided to do and I know it's not easy. I believe you've been with him this long for a reason and have trusted him. He's made mistakes but I bet he does care about you. The therapy relationship is definitely different and sometimes seems like the bottom line is about money or whatever but I bet he cares if u are safe. Plz promise to contact him if u don't feel safe especially during this anniversary.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It would probably help to write it out.
But would your T read it, and how would you feel if he didn't?

I know T would read it. Maybe it will help me say things I ordinarily couldn't.

Lots of For all of you. Your responses are helpfuland kind. Thank you

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

Therapy has been a struggle and lately, more often than not, I feel worse afterwards. T has misunderstood e mails, forgotten e mails and appointments, and it all hurts more than it helps. In the last year I have lost an inpatient T and my social worker, along with my med nurse. I am so used to being left, I expectit to happen. Many of the professionals I worked with and worked with very well, have moved on. I don't feel there's a "safety net" for me at all. Nowmy T is getting older, being forgetful or just not acting like he cares any more. I've seen him for at least 15 years andit's never been this bad. It feels like we're on seperate planets.
Loss is huge right now as I said before, with my treators and also my family, as they have more or less written me off for unknown reasons. I'm also going through empty nest thing which is killing me. My depression has increased 100%.
I wonder if I should cut my losses with T. I would not be willing to begin again with a new T.It all hurts too much to deal with T or my family at all. My suicidality has increased a lot.But it might be better if it was I who ended our relationship, rather than wait for him to write me off. I am under lots of stress both financial, with relationships and don't see me as fixable any more. I'm much too broken.

Hi Calista,

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I've also been thinking of ending with my T but still holding on. You said loss is huge to you right now, so why think of adding more loss? It is exhausting (it is for myself anyway) to think about deciding whether or not to give up T. Maybe he is going through stuff himself right now and you are suffering because of his neglect. Let him know. I think writing the letter sounds good. Maybe he will get something out of it (mine didn't but yours might). I wouldn't want to start again with a new T and if I left mine, I would not go to a new one either (like you). Maybe if you hang in there with him, he will get back on track. You've spent a long time together, which indicates to me that he must have helped you in the past. Clearly, you have strong feelings for him or you wouldn't be as hurt as you are now. I don't know what's best for you. Just thinking that you might want to wait until you're really sure.

I feel so alone. I did swallow my pride and scheduled an appointment for this Wednesday. I don't know what to expect. I feel like a baby. I want somebody to take care of me and tell me it will be ok. (Like my inpatient T used to do) I don't really expect too much from my appointment on Wednesday. I would love some pocket riders if you'd be good enough to do this. I have big pockets and can fit a lot of you in there.
Is it wrong of me to want to be taken care of? Not forever but till I feel stronger. It's been so long since I felt secure and in good hands. I am very impulsive and feel volitile. My moods are shifting so fast.
I miss what I had....family, a good support system and people irl, who really went out of their way to make me feel safe.
Thank you all

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I feel so alone. I did swallow my pride and scheduled an appointment for this Wednesday. I don't know what to expect. I feel like a baby. I want somebody to take care of me and tell me it will be ok. (Like my inpatient T used to do) I don't really expect too much from my appointment on Wednesday. I would love some pocket riders if you'd be good enough to do this. I have big pockets and can fit a lot of you in there.
Is it wrong of me to want to be taken care of? Not forever but till I feel stronger. It's been so long since I felt secure and in good hands. I am very impulsive and feel volitile. My moods are shifting so fast.
I miss what I had....family, a good support system and people irl, who really went out of their way to make me feel safe.
Thank you all

((Calista))

You can do it!
I'll join your pocket crew.

[elliemay]

I'm in there!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Calista - it will be OK.


Swallowing one's pride can be hugely courageous, and is probably a big thing in therapy for many people. You did well.

make room for me in yr pocket

Consider me in.