[TheRealFDeal]

I had a second session with T#8 on Tuesday, and very shortly into it I realized he wasn't going to work. That there wasn't going to be a connection. I don't have a lot more than that, but let me try. He was at least 10 years younger than me. He had a timer that went off at 45 minutes - a five minute warning of the end of the session. I got there almost 10 minutes late and he had already started the timer, so there were 37 minutes to go. That made me realize that the timer was going to bother me a lot, even though conversely, I liked the idea of taking the last 5 minutes to wrap up and get grounded before leaving. But that can be accomplished without a timer. He repeated things a lot, and I only need to hear a thing twice. He was very empathic, but just seemed too young and inexperienced. He wanted to know more about my depressive symptoms, and he got out a little reference book to read off questions.

So, I'm back to T-shopping again. I guess. I'm jealous of y'all who have T's that you really like.

[unaluna]

My opinion is, unless he has an actual stick up his butt, you try to make it work. Cuz one pdoc I tried, his office was FULL of sticks - stick lamps, stick rocking chairs, stick picture frames, all kindsa stick junk - and I swear there was one in his arse. so no, I didn't "stick" around after that first session...!

But it took me a while to REALLY like my current guy. it's more like an arranged marriage. I decided he was my last chance for happiness and I could learn to love him eventually. I wouldn't give myself an out this time. I had to make it work. I swore this would be my last t. And philosophically he really suited me.

[~EnlightenMe~]

For me, I knew that I had the right T the first session that I met him, and I continue to believe that six months later. ((RFD)) - keep trying, you will find a good T

[stopdog]

The younger age would bother me, but the timer would really piss me off. I would have laughed at the reference book. I would not go back to that one either. Good luck on the quest.

[Anne2.0]

These things strike me as being fairly trivial, or things one can trot out to continue to "shop" rather than actually get down to work.

If you're late to session, of course it's going to be on your time, not his time or the next client's time.

If he repeats things or otherwise engages in statements or actions that are not helpful to you, then a little communication about that goes a long way. Hey, dude, you don't need to repeat something more than twice. Is it possible for you to turn off the timer? Have a conversation about it. A reference book with a standard list of questions about depression might be expected during an early session, as another way to see that is he's being thorough in assessing your depression, rather than just knowing about what you spontaneously focus on. Gives a fuller, more accurate picture.

Maybe as the Buddhists say, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I think it is your right to shop around as much as you want to, and it may not be useful to you to reflect on your reasons for shopping. Likewise, it may not be useful for you to consider how you might be able to change your communication style or cognitive beliefs about therapy and therapists to be able to work more effectively with any therapist. Maybe you don't need to use this process to figure out how there might be ways that you communicate, or don't, that impact your ability to connect with other people. But it just seems to me that there ought to be more than complaints about timers and reading from a book after going through 8 therapists.

[Fixated]

What happened that you were 10 minutes late to session?

I know that when I am late, it is usually due to my subconscious desire to avoid or control.

You have every right to shop around for Ts, but my gut thinks that maybe you are avoiding getting down to work by constantly changing therapists. Usually, they say to give it at least 3 sessions.

I agree with Anne that maybe you can go back and discuss the things that bother you. Therapy morphs over time. I don't think the first two session are indicative of how it is always going to be.

Good luck.

[HealingTimes]

Hi TheRealFDeal,
good luck with your shopping!

just bear in mind that it can take more than 1 or 2 sessions to 'click', or to even like the T.
I have been seeing my current T for 3 years, and just last week i said to her "i think i have been totally underestimating you".
It took a while (a LONG while!) for me to trust her and fully believe that she can help me.

That said-the timer would bother me also.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I do think you need to be assertive and tell your therapist how you feel. (coming from someone who is unassertive). My xT at first had a timer, and I had dreams of opening the door and throwing it as far as I could so he could never find it again. I felt like I was food that was being cooked. He ended up not using it anymore.

My point is, you are not alone in hating the timer. I do hope you will give it a few more sessions, and you can interview at the same time if you feel the need. Keep us posted!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I felt like I was food that was being cooked. He ended up not using it anymore.

LOL! I think especially if you have a sense of humor about it, many Ts are willing to accommodate your preferences.

I recall two things I asked of my T early in therapy-- one was the clock that ticked "like a bomb about to go off." The other was that the curtains on one of the windows, if they were open, looked onto the fall hallway where I could see people passing by. I asked him to close them. He got rid of the clock and the curtains on the one window are always closed when I get there.

[stopdog]

I think it can be good to tell a therapist about things if you have enough of a pull to go back. But without enough of a pull to engage with that particular therapist, then I would not bother but would continue to find a better one for me.

[harrietm]

I've asked things of my t's - turn off the light, move the clock to where I can see it, take the pillows off the couch, stop using the purell as soon as I walk in the door - but those requests came after I had known the t for a while, not on the first visit. I was t shopping and went to see a t who had a parrot. She walked around with it on her shoulder and it kept yelling "Goodbye!!! Goodbye!!!" She also had a life sized gorilla stuffed animal in the waiting room with a sign around its neck saying "I give hugs". I kind of liked the woman, but I couldn't deal with the parrot and fake gorilla, and I like animals. I never went back.

[unaluna]

Total gasp! Could that parrot keep client confidentiality? ? I doubt it!! Too funny! Or freakin scary.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by harrietm

I've asked things of my t's - turn off the light, move the clock to where I can see it, take the pillows off the couch, stop using the purell as soon as I walk in the door - but those requests came after I had known the t for a while, not on the first visit. I was t shopping and went to see a t who had a parrot. She walked around with it on her shoulder and it kept yelling "Goodbye!!! Goodbye!!!" She also had a life sized gorilla stuffed animal in the waiting room with a sign around its neck saying "I give hugs". I kind of liked the woman, but I couldn't deal with the parrot and fake gorilla, and I like animals. I never went back.

now THAT would freak me out!!

[stopdog]

I am not big on any animals at the therapy appointments. A squawking bird would be awful. And I love animals. I just dislike the distraction to both me and the therapist. Plus, if I wanted an animal, I would want my own, not the therapist's.

[Paige008]

Originally Posted by hankster

Total gasp! Could that parrot keep client confidentiality? ? I doubt it!! Too funny! Or freakin scary.

LOL! I don't think he can sign HIPAA forms either!

I definitely wouldn't be okay with the parrot.

The timer would drive me CRAZY! If he wasn't able to get rid of the timer, then I would say that he may not be the right T for you if you're not able to get past it. I know I wouldn't...

I hope you find someone and are able to accept them and that you'll both find the acceptance to work with each other.

[adel34]

Hi TRFD,
I'm sorry you're still t shopping, but I think that if you're able to going and looking at as many as you feel you need to is a good thing! I don't think one needs to be able to work with just any therapist, and some people truly can't work with just anyone.
The parrot thing sounds awful! Did the t even think about the meaning of it? A parrot telling the clients to leave?
Anyway, I hope you find the right person for you soon.

[TheRealFDeal]

I cannot BELIEVE a T would even have a bird in their office, let alone walk around with one on their shoulder. I think the life-sized guerrilla would creep me out a bit, too. I wouldn't mind a T with a dog, though.

Anyhow, if 8 T's sound like a lot (and it does to me), if you look at my past threads about a recent betrayal and very traumatic ending with xT, I think it may be more understandable. I've had 3 other T's and I've never had to shop before, so this is all bugging me very much.

This T, T#8, seemed understanding and was very willing to wait for my trust. He did not push for any details I wasn't yet willing to share, in fact, was very sensitive to my triggers and would immediately move on if I said I needed to. In our introductory session, he had on rain as a background noise. In our first real session, I asked him to turn it off, and when I came back for our third meeting he had remembered and it wasn't on. So, he may have been willing to talk about the timer. (And for the record, I was late simply because I hadn't quite figured out how long the commute was and I left work a little later than I should have. None of my other T's were that rigid.) Who knows? Maybe he was soft enough that I could have asked for a pass just this one time, but that didn't occur to me.

So I gave him three meetings. If my reasons seem weak, the little things do add up. And I really trust my gut with respect to the connection. It wasn't gonna happen, and that's a requirement for me.

Thanks for your good wishes.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

And I really trust my gut with respect to the connection. It wasn't gonna happen, and that's a requirement for me.

As long as you prevent yourself from testing whether your beliefs about what is GOING to happen are accurate, you'll never have the opportunity to see things differently.

[adel34]

Hi TRFD,
I totally understanding needing to shop around after having a traumatic ending with a previous t. And I understand about little things adding up! I have qualities/ things Ifeel I need in a t that many people simply don't understand. But I know in my heart what's worked in the past, and when I've finally found what's worked I don't want to be trying out other stuff.
I'm glad you can see how this t did have positive qualityss but maybe isn't the right one for you. I think three meetings is reasonable. The intern t I'm seeing now requires six meetings, which is fine I guess.
Keep us posted on how it goes!

[stopdog]

I would not continue to see any one who told me they required anything from me other than the agreed upon fee for the agreed upon amount of time on the agreed upon meeting dates. I think one can get a feel as to whether one can tolerate a therapist or not after just one or two meetings and if the feeling is that it is not good, move on.

[Anne2.0]

If doing the same thing repeatedly works for you, then by all means, continue on that same pathway. If it doesn't seem to work out for you, then perhaps consider making a change and doing it differently.

In my experience, change occurs more frequently when you do it differently. YMMV.

[stopdog]

RFD - do you have another one to see lined up?
I am a big believer in trying out a lot of them. Good luck with it.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by harrietm

I've asked things of my t's - turn off the light, move the clock to where I can see it, take the pillows off the couch, stop using the purell as soon as I walk in the door - but those requests came after I had known the t for a while, not on the first visit. I was t shopping and went to see a t who had a parrot. She walked around with it on her shoulder and it kept yelling "Goodbye!!! Goodbye!!!" She also had a life sized gorilla stuffed animal in the waiting room with a sign around its neck saying "I give hugs". I kind of liked the woman, but I couldn't deal with the parrot and fake gorilla, and I like animals. I never went back.

So glad you posted about this

I think about your experience from time to time when these topics come up!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would not continue to see any one who told me they required anything from me other than the agreed upon fee for the agreed upon amount of time on the agreed upon meeting dates...

Well said

[TheRealFDeal]

Originally Posted by stopdog

RFD - do you have another one to see lined up?
I am a big believer in trying out a lot of them. Good luck with it.

I do not at the moment, but I'm expecting a new list of T's to try from my xT on Monday. I guess it could be viewed as not a bad thing to interview a lot of T's, but besides being emotionally exhausting, it's a lot of money for getting no therapy (which I don't want in the first session, but still). Thanks for your support.

Thank you all.