T Requests that I Contact Her

I'm sorry that you had to experience so much shame and disgust regarding your sexual orientation. I'm sorry our society is not more advanced, but I think we are getting there. I've heard it said that those who don't believe in orientations other than heterosexual are dying out. Sort of a good news/bad news thing: it'll happen, but not very quickly.

This thread has changed topic - from my appreciation of my T requesting that I contact her to a new topic of my coming out story. Hmmmm, am I hijacking my own thread? Hey, it's o.k. - I am completing in favor of hijacks as many of you already know.

The days, weeks and months leading up to my slowly growing self-acceptance were brutal. And only my therapist knows the details of that incredible struggle. And so, it would be completely appropriate that in this case she would want to know how my self disclosure to my husband would go.

The anxiety and fear would wallop me sometimes. It was almost like I felt I could not go on with life. The struggle much too intense and so often I felt too weak to continue the fight within myself.

I came out to one friend a few months ago and I had thought she was homophobic but somehow or another the 'secret' just poured out. I had been sobbing and amazingly and miraculously she was 100% supportive and was very compassionate and understanding.

Then I came out to my aunt who's daughter is gay and of course she was understanding.

Wow, 2 for 2. Plus my gf and two other friends who knew so now I had 5 people supporting me. That really helped me with moving away from hating myself

Then a few months flew by and I kinda tried to forget the whole thing. I was acting against my moral beliefs by having an affair. Then I told my T that it almost didn't feel like an affair because my H and I hadn't had a close relationship for decades. And my T said it also might have felt that way for me because I was seeing a woman instead of a man and so it didn't seem so much like a betrayal.

About 6 months later I confided to a family friend and I think that's when I seriously began to believe I could live an honest and authentic life. She knows my whole family and she was so enthusiastically supportive of my wish for change that I began to believe that it was possible and that it was o.k.

A couple weeks after that I revealed myself to yet another friend and her support was so resounding that I was blown away.

Now, get this - all but one of these women who offered so much to me with their love and compassion and understanding are straight and married (oh, one is bi). So, it's not like most of them could "really" understand my situation but they understood the idea of living honestly and living authentically and living with a sense of freedom.

Along with my therapist I would not have come as far as I have with the ability to live with myself without these close friends. These friendships mean everything to me and feeling the love of your close community is an experience that cannot be overrated.

(oops - gotta get back to work. will continue this long boring story in a bit)

I am glad you found people were accepting of you. I found that my straight friends were, except for one, accepting also. And a couple are extremely religious fundamentalists but accepted me. Most people were not that surprised about me, I found.

Wow lucky you! Today I registered here because I started therapy month ago (3 sessions so far) and I send a short email to my T to ask what kind of therapy style she is preferring....to know what to expect and so on. And she did answer but with sentence that clearly meant not to contact her between sessions. I feel horrible today like a child who was told off. I know the boundaries and that there are important ect. but it was not therapeutic contact it was more like informative. I feel really horrible between sessions and sometimes I wish she would ask how I’m doing even out of paid 50min. Maybe I’m to needy I have no experience in therapy this is the first time. I’m 27 and it is hard for me. That is why I´m here to see if my feeling are normal or out of proportion. (Please bear with my English, I’m not retarded it is just not my native language).

I had a similar experience when I started therapy. I had no idea of what the 'rules' were. I knew nothing about boundaries, etc. that therapists have.

I also contacted my t early in therapy between session for an innocuous question about a book she recommended. She returned my call but made it known that I was not to contact her about things like that.

I just about died of embarrassment and had a full blown reaction - feeling I could never return to my therapist because I felt humiliated.

I suspect that when we're new to therapy the therapist must put up firmer boundaries until they know who the client is and if the client will abuse the privilege.

I've seen my T for over 2 years now and she now encourages me to contact her when needed. She knows me enough to be sure I will never contact her until I've tried to work through my problem myself.

I can understand why the therapist can typically not follow all of their clients during the week. Can you imagine what kind of burden that would be? But I do feel that when the need is apparent they will usually step forward.

But, of course, it's always an individual thing and each therapist has their own boundaries.

For me, this time, the issue was so huge that it's easily understood why she would want to be informed. We have been working on this for months and she showed she really cared that I would be ok with however the day's events would turn out.

So, I'd say your feelings are completely normal. Just stick with the therapy and see how your relationship grows with your therapist.

Good luck.

Sky - dying to know how it went with your H.

Hey, I just wanna say I applaud your courage. You did something HUGE, despite the fear and anxiety, and the beautiful thing is you HONORED YOURSELF, YOUR truth, YOUR knowingness. And you shared this with all of us. Thank you. I'm inspired by your honesty and your courage.

And I think what your T did was right on! Heck, I'd be surprised if she didn't! I mean, this is life-changing stuff! Of course, I've come to expect this kind of response because my T, well, that's just how she rolls! Thank god. Her support has made all the difference in my growth and healing.

Wishing you all the best and sending you a psychic hug. (((((*)))))

P.S.- your story is SOOO not "boring!" Please keep us posted.

Thank you very much for your reply. I hope not to be the only client that has problem with self discipline. Hope there are more out there! The whole point probably is the need to know if she genuinely cares or if she is just being professional terapist but no more no less. I guess that would not be good enough for me because I do not do well with the trust thing and I need more than just professionalism. And now don´t get me wrong I don´t wont anything more than this client - terapist relationship but I need to know if she actually cares to help me or not. How do I know that? Because in asking her is no point because I don´t trust the fact they say what they think. They just say what is best for the client but not what is real and also they are good actors. Train to be good actors so you can´t trust a thing they do or say ....really.
I´m going again on thursday and I´m kind of terrified of the humiliation when she points out the mail because I know she WILL.
Take care and have a nice day

Sorry not to adress your issue here but mine on your thread .... being new may excuse me?

Solepa - I love free and easy interchange on threads here on PC. So, for me I am very open to any kind of conversation that flows on any thread that I begin. I will never worry about 'hijacks' as some people call them. Natural and conversational is my preference. So no apology needed.

Writing now a very long description of what actually happened on Saturday. Will take a while to get it posted.

I had selected the day that I would come out to H and as the days got closer I got more and more nervous. But even with the anxiety popping up I would also have moments of peace, clarity and conviction.

I think I wasn't as worried as being known for who I am as I was worried about hurting my H of 43 years. It was something I struggled mightily with. My T and I discussed for months what it means to 'hurt' someone. How much was I responsible for the hurt? How much should a person deny themselves in order to avoid hurting someone?

Too much attention to always doing what pleases another and seldom doing what pleases oneself in a relationship can make it into a co-dependent relationship. If I am always putting someone else's needs above my own, I am not living my life to its fullest nor am I able to access that happiness that is available to all of us.

But finally my T was able to help me understand that by withholding my true self from my family, I am hurting them also. And it's true - I cannot be relaxed and open. I find myself feeling more distant and constricted. I hide away. And do you think they don't notice? Of course they notice and they must believe it's about them and not about me. So, the hurt exists already.

When I woke up Saturday morning, the day I had chosen to finally be honest with my H, I felt calm and centered with no trace of anxiety. I was amazed. I wondered if that feeling would last until I had my discussion with my H.

I had decided that I would spend the morning at the beach in order to ground myself. Nature has a soothing effect and i knew that it would be helpful for me. And it was. I was actually beginning to not only feel centered but very happy.

I then went home and began the conversation. Before I told him that I was gay I told him about how much I've suffered emotionally lately. I told him how my issue had created a h*ll for me. I told him that I've never wanted to hurt him and that I was sorry that my behavior to him these past few months has not been the best. I was tearful as I was saying these words. I said that I believed he would hate me once I told him what I needed to tell him. He replied, "I could never hate you." I didn't believe him because he had yet to hear my disclosure.

Then I said - "I am a lesbian". Now you must know that that word has felt toxic to me. Even when I tried to practice saying it with my therapist I could not. The word would not leave my lips. I felt a lump in my throat in session and the word could not be expressed.

But, on Saturday I said it out loud. I was able to do it. I don't know how but maybe the strength I acquired by my hours at beach in the morning gave me enough power to get past any throat restriction.

And you know what my H said? He said, "I know." What?? Really??????

He said he's known for years. Huh????? He's known before I did? Or maybe he's known before I could accept it.

I told him I have a girlfriend. He said, "I know". Oh my goodness. He's known all this time?????

But the most amazing thing is that he showed compassion, understanding, love. He expressed how he could only imagine how terrible it's been for me. He told me that it will all be o.k. and that we'll make the transition smoothly and peacefully.

I said that i still needed to tell my 3 grown children. He assured me that it will go o.k. with them.

We hugged each other (something we haven't done in years) and his hug was so tight and so loving, it was unbelievable.

Since Saturday we've gotten along better than we have for years. There is a new connection with him and we both believe we'll be better friends now than we ever have during our marriage.

I told him that I hope he finds a woman who will love him the way he deserves. He shrugged his shoulders conveying that he wasn't worried about that.

I'm proud that he is the father of my children. He is a good and loving man and I hope his life will be all the more satisfying as we chart a new course. He will always be my friend.

(oh, and I did contact my T afterwards and she was thrilled at how well it went for me)

My coming out as a lesbian story has been embedded in the thread of how my T requested that I contact her after my talk with my H. Like I mentioned earlier, I 'hijacked' my own thread.

But now I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. Although there have been many visits to this thread, there have not been many comments or responses.

I wonder if there is a blanket of condemnation and judgment out there. The silence after telling my story feels scary to me.

So,I have a request. Could I get some feedback from some of you? And if any of you would like to share your coming out story i would really appreciate it. Right now I feel very alone on this thread.

I am amazed and impressed with your bravery and honesty. I learned about self-care from you today. I am proud to know you.

What a beautiful story. I was holding my breath up to where you told us his response.

I heard how thoughtful and careful you were before telling him And how you expressed what was in you to your husband in a thoughtful and non-defensive way. And how hard it was to articulate the word "lesbian." But you did it, and gained strength. I'm reminded of an Eleanor Roosevelt quote:

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

His response was beautiful. It reminded me of a story I recently saw on FB about a son who came out to his father. And his father's response (of which the son was very afraid) was "I've known since you were five. I'm glad you were able to tell me."

I am glad you found your husband supportive.

I came out around 18/19 and it was not really a surprise to anyone. For me, being gay was not that big of a deal in itself. I have friends who struggled a long time over it. My partner was disowned by her parents. I personally found most of my straight friends did not have a problem with it - but I was/am already thought to be sort of eccentric so lesbian was just not the oddest thing about me.

Please don't worry, a lot of people can't sign in from work anymore. And I was - you know, cleaning the facilities!

don't you hate when they say "I know"?! I wanna say, "and you didn't think to mention it to me??! Don't you think I would have said something before now if I had known? How long have you suspected??!" And, so that's why you've been acting weird or treating me weird all this time. Or maybe that's just me, idk.

I know, you weren't exactly looking for a comment from ME!! That's why they say, watch what you ask for, you might get it. Seriously, I'm glad you and h broke down a wall.

Actually I did ask him why he didn't say anything. I think when people say, "I know" what they really mean is "I suspect". So, he answered that he didn't want to say anything in case he was wrong.

Thanks Hankster for your comments.

This is beautiful. I am so glad that you have come to this point. The story of your own struggles, the support of your friends, your t, and finally your husband is absolutely heartwarming.

Like stop, I came out in my late teens and it was no biggie. My family and friends were quite liberal and the biggest surprise came 15 years later when I fell (quite unexpectedly) for a man. Biggest mistake I ever made, btw.

I get what you mean about feeling vulnerable because of the intimate nature of what you posted. I hope you feel some sense of peace and comfort with the replies.

I've been married to a man now for a long time, but I identified as a lesbian for most of my 20's and early 30's. I didn't have to struggle with coming out, in part because there was no real struggle. I was in a university environment for all of that time and it wasn't an issue. So I don't have a coming out story because I wasn't ever really "in" in the first place. But I appreciate where you came from with this and I have a good sense of your struggle from the way you've written about it. You deserve all the goodness that this brings and I think your H is a pretty awesome guy all around.

I was just able to get back to this thread on an actual computer, instead of my phone. Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. It has been amazing and touching to read.

Thanks to Stopdog, () this thread turned into my coming out story. I had not intended to share that part of myself when I began this thread last Wednesday.

My story is a testimonial, I believe, to the power of transformation - that we CAN change, that we CAN make our lives better.

Of course, all kinds of self-improvement are possible but in my case, the help of my therapist was an essential part of my growth.

I could have read books and still could never have gotten the kind of help that she gave me.

Her support and her guidance, the relationship she and I built, the trust she instilled in me, the invitation to practice courage - none of that would have been possible on my own. I know this.

It took a long time and it was very very difficult. I encourage those of you who sometimes just want to give up or feel your situation is hopeless, to keep on trying. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

(Only just got back to this thread now..)

I'm so glad your H was supportive and understanding and that you could talk and hug... amazing. And I applaud you for your bravery and strength

I too feel my therapist has played an essential role in my growth, and in my own 'coming out' story, her acceptance and support giving me the courage to be true to myself.

Well done Skysblue
You have an amazing husband, I am so glad it went well for you and sorry you are feeling lonely right now, I wish we didn't feel so vulnerable after sharing some of ourself.
Your story is an inspiration to me as I am considering coming out to my family soon as I have started a new relationship. I hope it goes as well as your story and thank you so much for sharing it here

Hugs to you Skysblue....... how did the weekend go for you?

So special of your T to reach out to you at a time that I'm sure she has been helping you prepare for.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, skysblue. You did an incredibly brave and vulnerable thing, not just in coming out to your husband, but in telling your story here.

I identify as mostly straight, though throughout my life, others have assumed that I was a lesbian. Including my husband, before we were married, often when I would rebuff his physical advances. He was 19 or 20 at that time, so I could (eventually) forgive his stupidity. But I wear my hair short, have always been a "tomboy," have on occasion been called "sir" by unwitting servers or store clerks, etc. I stopped caring about it after awhile. I've never been all that gender conforming.

So, not really a coming out story, but I've certainly struggled with my sexuality and can appreciate your courage all the more.