T Requests that I Contact Her

What an amazing story. I don't know how it could have turned out any better than it did. Kudos to your H for handling it so gracefully and not being bitter, angry or hurt. I think it's not uncommon, when someone comes out, to find that those closest to them already knew or suspected. If your H knew, I think it's likely that your kids will be less than surprised.

There's no condemnation or judgment here, speaking for myself. I just hope my generation will live to see the day when a person's sexuality is a non-issue. When there's no need to "declare" one's sexuality, because frankly, it doesn't change who you were before the declaration. When the response to such a declaration might be, And...? When it's no more different than the color of our eyes. It just doesn't matter. It would only matter to me if I fell in love with a gay man. That would be tragic. That might be a weird thing to say, but I can't think of another reason why I would care about someone's sexual orientation.

That said, I'm so happy for how things are going for you. I don't hear that anybody's rejected you yet after hearing your story. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

Skysblue, was so happy to read your story and very moved by it. You are quite clearly an amazing individual and have done something so admirable! How wonderful also that your H and you are now closer because of it. Sounds like you will be able to have a solid friendship.

I too came out in my late teens and it was very difficult because I could not accept myself for who I was/am. I still struggle with those parts of myself today and like you have had trouble with "that word". Your story inspires me to be more true to myself.

(Just an observation - there seem to be are a lot of gay/bi ladies posting on this board. I wonder why?? Sexuality "issues" have certainly contributed to my self esteem problems and need for therapy, is it the same for others?)

button - I want you and everyone to know that I had no expectation that things would turn out as well as they did with my H. It's an odd thing the balance between visualizing the best and preparing for the worst.

As I imagined worst case scenarios - being the receiving end of lots of anger and hatred- I would dissolve into a puddle of fear.

But, slowly, ever so slowly I was able to imagine being condemned and ostracized and still believing that my H and children would be doing the best they could under the circumstances.

I know that I have been overcome with unpleasant emotions in my life which I haven't been proud of. During those times if another person would show compassion and understanding, it meant a lot. I wanted to be able to offer that same kind of understanding to them if necessary.

So I finally was able to 'feel' that I could handle any negative emotion about my coming out without feeling defensive or angry. I can understand how shocking and unpleasant it might be to receive such unexpected news.

My plan and hope was that I would receive any negativity without defensiveness and could offer compassion for my H. And I was ready to be thrown out of house (not really believing he would do that) if necessary.

But this is the key part I believe - instead of expending so much energy preparing for the worst, choose to spend more time visualizing the good, the positive. My friends encouraged me to imagine that my actions could bring good to everyone.

I had visited a psychic a few days before the talk (I'm quite a skeptic but I was willing to try to get any kind of help possible). She told me that we come into the world having signed 'contracts' with individuals. My contract with H was a 'work' contract. To produce - children, businesses. And that this contract was finished and to continue to stay in the contract would be unhealthy for everyone.

Well - I can take psychic's words with a grain of salt BUT her words felt RIGHT. And I gathered strength to fulfill my mission.

Whenever my mind went to imagining 'gloom, doom, and destruction', I quickly switched to thoughts of how my passage through the door of authenticity would make mine and everyone's life better.

(I knew it was not MY responsibility to make my family's life better but now the opportunity would be in front of them. I am NOT responsible for their choices.)

So, my suggestion to you is to, yes, prepare yourself for the worst by knowing that what you're doing is right and no matter how negatively is the reaction, that you will be fine.

But, also visualize the best and have trust the universe will take care of you.

And, get out into nature as much as possible.

I have not been here in ages but I am so glad I was moved to come here today and see this thread, skysblue! I am in awe of how far you have come, the choices you have made and the joy, peace and authenticity I see coming through in your posts in this thread. Your H is indeed a good man and I am so happy he responded in such a kind and loving manner to you ... you overcame your fears and the reality you feared turned out to be a more pleasant and liberating one than you thought possible, I think.
I cannot say how happy I am for you - and just perhaps a teeny tiny bit jealous in a way, because I cannot do the same in my life. I have come to terms too with my sexual orientation and have found peace and authenticity too in accepting that part of myself fully and with love and compassion - yet, for now, it is right for me to remain within my marriage. Perhaps a day will come when it is right/the time time/the right choice for me to be able to do as you have done (my H would NOT be near so loving or supportive at this time!) If it does not come, I am still free in my spirit anyway!
My brother knows however and is fully supportive and accepting of that aspect of my true self. A few close friends know as well; most are accepting. One, very fervently religious, is not so much, though she does continue to care for me. My H, if he admits it to himself, knows but would rather not think of it; he overlooks it, if you will, because of his love and desire to keep me as his wife!
I have found the courage to support openly gay marriage, anyway, even though that has put me in the line of fire from some. So be it! I am willing to stand for the convictions I have come by honestly after long struggle.
Anyway, this should not be so much about me and I do not need to reveal so much when I have not been here for so long, but I want you to know I deeply respect what you have been able to do, skysblue, and hope the future is bright and beautiful and joyful for you. SO wonderful to be free to love, isn't it ... free to love yourself as you are and free to live in love. I wish you well!

Hugs skysblue! I totally understand. I've been through the same thing myself. In my case I came home from work and told him I wanted a divorce. Of course he assumed it was another man! Yeah right.

I just read this thread and it brought tears to my eyes. skysblue, you are amazing and inspiring. I'm so happy that everyone you told, including your H, has been so supportive, and that your t is also supportive and asked you to contact her after your conversation with your H.

I am straight, but I did have a relationship with a woman when I was in my 20's. She loved me more than anyone before or since, but I ended the relationship because of the physical component. I tried to make myself into a lesbian, but it just didn't work, and it would not have been fair to her to continue. But I mourn the loss of her love to this day.

I agree with the other posters who say that they wish there was no "coming out", that everyone just is what they are. When my kids were younger someone asked me what I would do if they "turned out" gay. I responded that why would I assume they are straight? Is it like innocent until proven guilty?

You are very brave, and I admire you for starting a new honest, authentic life for yourself.

My T continues to be supportive and continues to request that I let her know how it goes when I come out to my 3 adult children. I have one 'friend' who tells me that what I'm doing is the worst thing in the world to do. She tells me that I will be destroying my life and that I will regret this action until the end of my days.

This 'friend' also tells me that I have no right to hurt my family this way and that I'm responsible for the pain I'm causing - that the worst sin in the world is hurting another person's feelings. She's said that I should expect my family to hate me and to expect that my daughter will not allow me to see my grandsons anymore.

Thankfully she's been the only person in my circle who prophecies such gloom and doom and destruction.

My other friends and my therapist help me understand that living a lie the way I have been IS hurting my family and hurting myself. That I feel I have to hide myself and put myself into a hole I have dug for myself causes such pain for me and that pain reverberates throughout the family. They're not stupid or completely senseless and they KNOW something is not completely right. Their trying to figure it out confuses them and makes them feel unsafe (in the sense of not knowing what to expect from me)in not knowing what's really going on with their Mom.

So, this weekend I drove the 6 hours to visit one of my daughters. All of Saturday and Sunday I was feeling nervous about telling her. I was tempted to chicken out. I did not want to go through with it. I was thinking that we're getting along so well now, why ruin our relationship?

Well, last night I forced myself to 'come clean'. And you know what - again, Hollywood screenwriters could not have scripted a better scene. My daughter is 100% supportive and is very happy that I have found happiness.

She was shocked that I was worried to tell her and she reminded me that she feels no judgment towards anyone. She said she was sad that I have suffered so much about this and that I should have trusted more that the children her Dad and I raised would receive me in my authenticity with open arms.

She likes my gf and welcomes her into the family. "The more, the merrier", she said. She said that so much makes sense now to her about how she observed how her Dad and I interacted. And she knows that not only will my life be better and happier but so will her father's.

I asked her how she thinks her brother and sister will react. She replied, "You're over-thinking it, Mom." She assured me it will all be o.k.

She did admit some feelings of grief - not about my sexuality nor about the promise that the future holds but a grief of loss of the structure of her parents' relationship -the security that that seemed to offer and the sense of stability it seemed to give.

Even with admitting these sadder feelings, she also assured me that those feelings were in no way directed towards me. Just, I suspect, the ongoing sense of grief we all carry within ourselves with the passage of time and the loss that occurs with change.

I had told my T that I was feeling sad about ending marriage with H and she also told me that it's natural that I'd feel a loss and that grief is normal. And it's true. I love my H like a brother and he's a good man and he provides a lot for me. I will miss that.

And today driving a few hours to San Francisco to tell my son and then tomorrow to tell my other daughter. Wish me luck.

Your post makes me cry--not in a bad way, but a good way. You and your husband did something right, to raise a daughter who is so compassionate and loving!! You may have lived a lie, but the structure was healthy enough to give your daughter and I'm sure your other kids too, a sturdy foundation, probably better than a lot of marriages!!

I wish you luck! I'm sure it will be fine!!

Dearest skysblue, Wow--just wow! I am so very happy for you and your family. That your daughter, whom you feared could withhold your grandkids, was so loving and embracing brings tears to my eyes. If I know your kids, I know they will be as understanding, compassionate and loving as h was -- after all, they were raised by two loving, very neat parents. Sending mega-hugs to you.

Well, if the s has hit the fan, continue to hold to your truth. I believe in you. Sending XOXOX

Well, it has hit the fan now. Holding on for dear life. Luckily I'm stronger now than ever and even though it's very very tough I will not be bludgeoned into a shameful place. I am a human who has flaws. I am not perfect. But I always try to do what is right and even with my mistakes I do not deserve to be condemned. I have a right to live a happy life and not live just to fulfill other people's expectations.

My T has helped me learn that it's o.k. to honor my own needs whereas in the past I thought my needs were only to fulfill others' needs. I need not feel guilty about choosing a path that will make me feel happy and fulfilled. Living only to other's expectations will lead to a life of regret.

I am strong. I can do it. I will not crouch in submission no matter how much condemnation, judgment or ostracism I may face.

Thanks, Kudzu

Keep hanging in there. You can do it and you are doing it. I hope there's still some room to remember the aspects of this that have gone really well. I really hope that soon there are so many more of those good things and very few of the negative things.

Thinking of you!

Dearest skysblue,

Your tenacity and courage inspire me. Your family loves you, and I know they are struggling, too. But your willingness to lovingly stand your ground and hold to your truth seems essential to me in honoring your self and setting rational boundaries. Holding you in my heart, Kudzu

You made me think of one of Brene Brown's mantras:

Don't retreat.
Don't puff up.
Stand your sacred ground

Stay strong Skysblue. Hugs.

i'm not sure how i missed this post, but wow. (and i will continue to read the thread)

#1--this happened in my family about 8ish years ago. i was 23 and just moved out of state. i came home for thanksgiving and my mom told us she was gay and that her and my dad were getting a divorce. to say i was shocked is the mildest way i could put it.

#2--i've been struggling with understanding my own sexuality for yearrrsss and can NOT talk to T about it. and i've been in therapy for a long time. AND my T is gay.

#3--and this could be done in PM if you'd like. how on earth did you come to this conclusion? anyone that i've ever talked to that had been with guys either always kind of knew but didn't feel like they had a choice and got married (that would be my mom. she got pregnant with me at 18 and was told to get married), OR they met someone and fell in love and figured out their sexuality that way. I feel neither way, but i have been so isolated for years and don't even try to date anyone (and i am a virgin...at 32), so im at a loss.

#4--i still have yet to read the thread, but i want you to know that my brother and i were and are completely supportive of my mom. she had a rough go of it for a few years bc her parents weren't accepting and its a tough thing to do. but she is much happier now.

Wishing you the best skysblue! That's a huge deal.

I have had t request a call or text from me a lot actually. XT used to say, "Text me in an hour to let me know how you are" after most appointments.

Wishing you the best. I just started coming out to my family as transgender (I came out as gay 14 years ago but didn't consider my gender identity until recently) so I feel for you. Most of the people I've been honest with are very supportive, though some, like my mother, are not. Cling to those who will support you. Keep using T. Things do get better, and there's a whole life on the other side of this. Congrats, and way to go.

When my brother came out to me, I kind of flipped out a bit. I just didn't see it...stupid me. I wish I could go back and handle it differently though. So if people seem "taken back"...give them a chance.

Any updates, skysblue? Hoping things are going better.

Dear SB, Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Thanks all for checking in. Sorry I've been MIA lately. Lots of emotional turmoil going on. And like always my T is right by my side. Therapists can be worth their weight in gold sometimes.

The really really good news is that I've gotten no (zero) judgment or criticism of me coming out as gay. Not only was my husband understanding so were each of my 3 adult children.

One of my daughters (mother of my little grandsons) said, "Good for you that you found this out about yourself. Too bad that it wasn't sooner so that you could have led a more authentic life for yourself for more years" And then she giggled and added, "But not too soon otherwise I wouldn't be here."

She also believes her Dad and I have the opportunity now to live happier lives since we now know why he and I have never 'synced' the way most couples do.

My son was relieved when he heard the news. He said, "Oh, thank goodness. With the serious face you began the conversation, I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer."

My oldest daughter was completely accepting of my 'new' identity. She applauded me on my bravery and told me she wished I hadn't had so much fear in confiding in them.

In fact, all of them seem to be more comfortable with me being gay than I am myself. I still struggle with self-acceptance. All of you out there who believe a person can choose their sexuality, let me tell you it's NOT true. I wish more than anything (still) that I could be part of the majority of people. I have come a long ways in honoring my identity but I am still not completely comfortable in my own skin. I will conquer the shame that still hovers around me but it may take awhile yet. Having the support of family and friends has been critical to my growing sense of self-worth.

I had thought that once I came out the hardest part of my journey would be done. Talking to each member of my family was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It took a lot of time to find the courage and I'm glad that part of my life-change is over.

But now, new emotional issues have emerged -the REALITY that my life is changing:leaving a home that I'm attached to, where the kids grew up, where there are lots of trees and flowering bushes. There is a profound grief at the direction my life is going.

My T assures me that ALL change involves loss and the grief that attends that loss. My challenge is to look forward to the future and the exciting possibilities that await me and not to dwell too much on what I am losing. Sure, I must give myself the space to grieve but i must also not reside there permanently.

Another issue I face is the tremendous guilt and shame for having had an affair. I can justify it all I want by telling myself that my H and I had not been intimate for decades but it still gnaws at me. My previous self-perception as an upright and moral person is destroyed now.

But, again, as my T continues to point out - we are all multi-faceted. I suspect that clinging to a rigid sense of self identity can be another form of delusional thinking. As soon as we identify with any concepts (kind, lazy, selfless, selfish, good, bad, etc) about ourselves, we limit our potential.

So, I am gaining understanding about myself and that it's o.k. that I am a flawed and imperfect human being who struggles to get it right. But I will never find the perfection that my lofty ideals had hinted I might be able to achieve. So be it...

And now, looking for a place to live, trying to understand how to do a divorce without attorneys, attending to my life and job duties, and hoping to figure out a healthy and fulfilling life for myself.

Oh, and btw, my H and I are getting along better than ever as we continue to share the same house. Go figure.

AND, my therapist always there to help me manage and understand my constantly changing emotional states.