[cka87]

i just started going to see a therapist this year for an eating disorder. I'v never been in therapy before so its all new to me. I have a very hard time opening up to my T, especially about the specifics of how much i weigh, how much i exercise and what i eat.

Well the past month I have just been feeling super discouraged and I have no confidence that I can continue with giving recovery a try. I met with her today and I feel like i was kind of rude to her. She mentioned I was getting really defensive about certain things (I was) and i got mad and told her "well i dont want to talk about that i just want to talk about what i can do to get better, just tell me what to do" then she said I may not like her suggestions and I said "well if i dont like them i will just quit." she just responded "oh if you dont like it youll quit?" and we didn't discuss it further.

now i am feeling like i was such a brat! I can't stop thinking that I was rude to her. I only see her every 2 weeks and I want to email her and ask if i was rude/apologize because its driving me crazy thinking about it but im terrified to seem too needy. (though she has told me multiple times its okay to email between sessions) I just feel like she probably thinks im just wasting her time and that i was rude. what do i do?? do you think I was rude?

[lifelesstraveled]

I am sure your T deals with stuff like this all the time. I know you are worried about it, so if you are, and your T says it's OK to reach out to her, then email her and let her know you are concerned that you may have come off a little rude and wanted to apologize.

Like I said, I am sure your T deals with this all the time and it probably didn't phase her, and I bet she understands why you are defensive :-)

[cka87]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I am sure your T deals with stuff like this all the time. I know you are worried about it, so if you are, and your T says it's OK to reach out to her, then email her and let her know you are concerned that you may have come off a little rude and wanted to apologize.

Like I said, I am sure your T deals with this all the time and it probably didn't phase her, and I bet she understands why you are defensive :-)

thank you ahh I have just been so distressed about this . I sent her a quick email so I feel better already .

[tinyrabbit]

I think you may be asking the wrong question. Here's a better one: does it matter if you were rude to your T, or is that okay?

Therapy isn't like other relationships. A good T will be interested in what you felt and why. You didn't sound rude to me. You sounded defensive and resistant. But it should be okay to be rude. Therapy isn't about being on your best behaviour.

[1stepatatime]

I agree with TinyRabbit and lifelesstraveled, therapy is such a unique and complex relationship...it is like nothing else most of us have experienced. Your therapist has more than likely heard it all...and is prepared to deal with whatever you may be feeling...that is what therapy is all about....feelings!! And the reason we are there is because many of us have some challenges dealing with feelings/behaviors so I wouldn't worry too much about it, however if it will help you then go ahead and shoot her an email...as long as you feel okay : )

[Voltin]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think you may be asking the wrong question. Here's a better one: does it matter if you were rude to your T, or is that okay?

Therapy isn't like other relationships. A good T will be interested in what you felt and why. You didn't sound rude to me. You sounded defensive and resistant. But it should be okay to be rude. Therapy isn't about being on your best behaviour.

I like the way tinyrabbit looks at this . Makes me feel more comfortable to look at it that way .

[cka87]

I guess I understand its okay to be defensive but I still feel bad about being rude. I know therapy is a different relationship so I'm sure she had heard it all before I just don't even know how this whole therapy thing even works yet so I wasn't sure I made a mistake. Meh. thank you for the replies I feel better knowing I didn't screw up like I thought

[Raging Quiet]

I am usually calm and quiet in therapy, but when weight or the ED issue comes up, I just stop speaking and feel quite agitated; which I know my T has commented on. I think the sort of issue an ED is; you need to trust T completely to speak honestly, especially if you are trying to conceal relapse. Take care.

[Fuzzybear]

[Perna]

I don't think how we're being is as important in therapy as how we think about how we're being :-) I heard desperate defensiveness in your responses to your T rather than "rudeness". Yes, they were rude but that's not what is important. It sounds like you are wishing this stuff were easier and, unfortunately, there's no easy route (no one else can do the work for us/tell us what to do).

If I were you, I'd spend the two weeks between therapy thinking about what you replied and why you replied that way, I'd think about what you could do to make it easier for yourself (we generally know "what" to do but for whatever reason, don't do it) and would start out your session in a couple weeks with "I'm sorry I sounded so rude last time but listen to what I figured out!. . ." and tell your T what you have thought about in those two weeks that might help you move ahead easier.

It's not how you sound that is important but what you do. If you think you sound like a brat, how can you act like an adult?

[tooski]

I can't tell you how many times I've been rude to T and how many times I've apologized. But therapy brings out emotions - that's just how it works. And the important thing is to let the emotions out, then talk about them. I always feel terrible later for being rude, and that's why I apologize. He's used to it, and the important thing is WHY I was rude and looking at the emotions that were coming out.

It sounds like this is the first time it happened with you, but it probably won't be the last. Just keep the lines of communication open with T. Get angry at T, apologize to T - whatever, just don't hold it all inside.

PS - I'm glad you sent an email and that you feel better.

[cka87]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think how we're being is as important in therapy as how we think about how we're being :-) I heard desperate defensiveness in your responses to your T rather than "rudeness". Yes, they were rude but that's not what is important. It sounds like you are wishing this stuff were easier and, unfortunately, there's no easy route (no one else can do the work for us/tell us what to do).

If I were you, I'd spend the two weeks between therapy thinking about what you replied and why you replied that way, I'd think about what you could do to make it easier for yourself (we generally know "what" to do but for whatever reason, don't do it) and would start out your session in a couple weeks with "I'm sorry I sounded so rude last time but listen to what I figured out!. . ." and tell your T what you have thought about in those two weeks that might help you move ahead easier.

It's not how you sound that is important but what you do. If you think you sound like a brat, how can you act like an adult?

stop giving me so much stuff to think about! I didn't want to think- just wanted to magically have everything sorted out and be fine no but really thank you it gives me a lot to work thru and figure out why im responding the way i am and being defensive about certain topics so i can go back in 2 weeks and have a productive session instead of blocking all attempts to make any progress.

[cka87]

Originally Posted by tooski

I can't tell you how many times I've been rude to T and how many times I've apologized. But therapy brings out emotions - that's just how it works. And the important thing is to let the emotions out, then talk about them. I always feel terrible later for being rude, and that's why I apologize. He's used to it, and the important thing is WHY I was rude and looking at the emotions that were coming out.

It sounds like this is the first time it happened with you, but it probably won't be the last. Just keep the lines of communication open with T. Get angry at T, apologize to T - whatever, just don't hold it all inside.

PS - I'm glad you sent an email and that you feel better.

oh im glad im not the only one! and im glad that T understands- she ended up emailing back and said no need to apologize but she appreciates it and rest assured we will work through the reasons behind my anger.