how to deal with unsupportive mother

I hope it's okay to post this here, I post and read this board more than the others. So I am finishing up my first year in my second graduate program, and I hate it. It's just not right for me. I was in another program for a few years, but ultimately could not do the clinical work due to issues out of my control. It was an unsupportive program and I felt like I was constantly fighting to prove myself and eventually decided to walk away. I got accepted to this program (somewhat related field, but more research and academia focused) with great funding and thought it seemed like the obvious choice. How could I turn it down? I don't think i really wanted to come, but I didn't know what else to do since my job was ending last summer anyway. Anyways, I am planning to take a leave of absence from my program and do something like AmeriCorps. I've been doing really well in the interviews and would move back to my home state this summer.

I talked to my dad about it weeks ago, as well as professors and advisers here. And everyone has been wonderful and so incredibly supportive. I was nervous to tell my mom though, but decided to go ahead and tell her today when she called. She got so mad and starting listing all the ways I've quit and am basically a failure. It hurt so much. I changed my major by the end of freshman year (but hey, who doesn't?) because I was not good at it, then managed to graduate in 3 years anyway to get my bachelor's degree at age 20 with a 3.6-3.7ish GPA. Then I had above a 3.7 in my first grad program, but could not do the clinical work. I was told by the clinical supervisors that no matter how much I practiced, I'd never be good enough to do it. So obviously, I was fighting a losing battle there. I then started a MA+PhD program elsewhere figuring that I would be good at it, and I am. I have over a 3.8 GPA (all A's and A-'s), but I've discovered it's not what I really want to do. I've always loved working with children (for 10 years now), so I thought AmeriCorps would be a wonderful way to do so.

I was actually so excited about the opportunities I've been interviewing for, and already have some ideas for an evening/weekend job for some extra cash to supplement the small salary. I figure I need some more solid work experience and to network while I explore my options rather than jumping right into another program or a job I hate. And because I mentioned that the pay wasn't a lot, my mom got all mad and pretty much made me feel like an ultimate failure. I know I have some student debt that she's worried about, but I'm completely self-sufficient. I have a paid off car, pay all my own bills (utilities, car insurance, cell phone, therapy, etc.), and ask for NOTHING from her. I got so upset and tried to explain how I feel, but she's impossible to have an adult discussion with. She totally acts like a child- a very mean, critical child.

I just want nothing to do with her anymore. I remember a year or year and a half ago thinking about if I could stop contact with her and it didn't seem possible because I have other relatives I love who are obviously connected with her. Especially my dad who I love so much,especially how he always supports me and believes in me. I've never even told my mom about my depression, anxiety, or the eating disorder I developed and recovered from all on my own without her damn help. She has no clue I've ever been in therapy because I don't even want to imagine her reaction to me telling her about that. Actually, I never want to deal with her again, because all she ever does is hurt me (well, 90-95% of the time anyway).

I was looking forward to going home after I wrapped up my semester next month since I'm across the country, but now I'm going to stay here until i can move right into a new place and start working. The city is a couple hours from where my parents and some other relatives live and is the same city I did my undergrad in. So luckily, my old T from 2007-2008 might be able to work with me again. I have been seeing a T here for a little while, but he's old and super forgetful (forgot some super emotional important stuff I talked about) so I don't really want to see him again. I asked my more recent old T (2010-2012) if she would do a phone session with me, but I haven't heard back yet since it's the weekend, obviously. It'll be okay if she doesn't, but she knows the most about the dynamics in the relationship with my mother. Maybe I can even see if '07-08 T can do a phone session since I may start working with her again soon.

Any ideas on how to deal with my mother? I know there are worse parents out there, but I just can't deal anymore.

What I try to do, which is easier said than done, is to just know that everything I do is going to disappoint my mom. But that's her issue. I do have a hard time not buying into what she says, but I try to let her opinions just be her opinions and know that I don't have to take them on...and then focus on people who are supportive. I know it's hard to let go of the desire to please mom, but I think sometimes it's the best thing I can do for myself.

It would be nice if everyone around us were supportive and understanding of our life choices, but, well, they aren't going to be.

Maybe she feels as though she has some stake in what you do and how you do it that's making it hard for her to see beyond herself, I don't know.

If you don't need her support (IE financially) then, yeah, it sucks, but it's doable without it.

Wow, Rainboots!
You have accomplished so much at a young age!! Your GPA alone is so worth celebrating : ) I am so sorry that your mom is not supportive to you and can only imagine how difficult it must be. I would suggest that you definitely seek out support from a T that you feel comfortable with... ( think that you mentioned that you have one in mind)...and lean on them for support. Remember...all that stuff from your mom? It is HER stuff, not yours and while it hurts...cause I know it does...reach out to those who support you... : ) Have a nice day!!

My mother told me later that she told me negative stuff to "motivate" me. That if I had "really" wanted to do something, that nothing - eg her disapproval - could have stopped me, so obviously I didn't really want to do it. So unless you're sure you understand her and want to factor in her process into your life - which I don't recommend! - figure out your own thing and go for it. She's just blowing smoke up your skirt, who knows why!

Rainboots,
I can only tell you about my experience. Even into our thirties our widowed mother was never able to treat my sister and me as her ADULT children . We did not ask her advice but she continued to meddle and criticize. My sister and I finally agreed that although we loved her, we did not like her very much and did not enjoy spending time with her. We distanced ourselves from Mother, but stayed in contact with her, and she died some years later. My sister and I never regretted rejecting her insistence on "running our lives." Best wishes.

That is challenging. People in my family have been known to limit contact. We have tried to get untagled from the drama by keeping the conversations on topics that won't lead to a mess. If we find the conversations always seem to lead to us feeling really bad then we'll call them say 20 mins befor going into a meeting or doing something in which the time must be limited.

Thanks guys. I'm still pretty upset about it. Luckily my dad has super supportive via email (bc he know I won't pick up the phone from their number) and my cousin has too. And my old T agreed to do a phone session, so I'm gonna hold off on any contact with my mother until at least after I can get a therapy session in. It happens to be a few days from her birthday, but I don't know if I can handle a phone call with her anytime soon. I wish I had more to say, but I do appreciate your replies.

Had my phone session today. Reminded me what an awesome T I had before moving. Thankfully she was able to help me determine my goals in the relationship with my mother and where I need to practice radical acceptance (e.g., that I will NOT be heard by my mother, that there are certain topics I cannot discuss with her like finances/salary). It's so complicated, and I feel bad about what I said in the argument though I'm not sure how to apologize. I also went ahead and sent the birthday card and even signed it "love"- it took me awhile to figure out if I could write that word or not.