I sometimes wonder how the world works because about 10 mins before Rainbow8 posted her personal questions thread I was going to post this. So I have waited til now.
A while ago my T was talking about a subject, saying he had limited knowledge of it. But his body language was TOTALLY opposite. I now feel he has lied to me. I have wanted for a long time to call him on this, but it involves asking him a question about his personal life.
This lead to me cancelling and rescheduling several times. We talked about my behaviour a few sessions ago and I aired some additional minor grievances I had with him,and never asked "the question" and things seemed to settle down.
Now I have cancelled my next session as I told him I wanted to take a break. I don't know what I expected but he just texted back "sure. Send me your email so I can email receipt" I think I was upset he didn't call or something.
All this angst because I can't ask a stupid question.
Feel free not to respond as this is therapy enough for me, just writing it out.
p.s I'm still amazed at the level of coincidence on this forum. Just when you think youu are the only one someone posts the same issue.

[tinyrabbit]

What was the body language that made you think he was lying?

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

What was the body language that made you think he was lying?

I can't really say, even though I know he doesn't read here. Just say his hand movements simulated doing something.

[tinyrabbit]

But does that mean he lied to you? It could be all sorts of things - loads of weird stuff goes on in therapy...

This was a very specific something which if you have limited knowledge of you wouldn't be able to simulate.

[mixedup_emotions]

I hope you're able to see that the passive-aggressive approaches aren't helping the matter. It seems that you are aware of it. What's holding you back from being direct about it?

[tinyrabbit]

But maybe he wasn't doing that. Maybe you just experienced it that way.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I hope you're able to see that the passive-aggressive approaches aren't helping the matter. It seems that you are aware of it. What's holding you back from being direct about it?

Good question MUE. I have no idea what's holding back, apart from the fact that it is a personal question and I don't feel I have the right to ask it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Maybe you're afraid that asking a personal question could lead to rejection or feelings of shame?

I have found it useful to look at the situation from a process level and try to answer questions for myself to help me see the bigger picture, as it helps me see where this affects me in other areas.

In this case, I'd try to answer for myself...

...What feelings get stirred up in me when I contemplate the situation?

...Am I basing my feelings on thoughts or judgments? Or is it based on reality?

...Are my actions adequately reflecting what I'm feeling? Am I being reactive? What other ways can I handle this that would yield more rewarding results? What's stopping me from choosing those other options?

A great first step might be to talk to T about how you're struggling with something that he said/did....that you are concerned that you'd be overstepping boundaries by asking him...so instead did x, y, z....but it's affecting how you feel...etc.

You can address your process without actually addressing the issue itself...and it could ultimately be of great help!

Thanks MUE. That was extremely helpful. I'll try that approach.

[WikidPissah]

hmmmm. I am extremely humble about my talents and knowledge IRL. If someone starts talking about numbers, I may say I have a "little knowledge" about them. Truth is I am a number wiz. If I know someone is an accountant or mathematician, I may not even mention the "little knowledge", I may just play dumb. It doesn't mean I am lying, it just means I don't want them focusing on that part of me. I get a little embarrassed by it to tell you the truth.

Another example: My H is an amazing pianist. Most of his coworkers and even his recording clients have no idea he even plays. His friends know, but unless they are close friends they have no idea how good he actually is.

Some people don't like to flex their knowledge. Perhaps it isn't that your t doesn't like you or is trying to buffalo you?

Hope this helps.

But it's a lie of omission, not quite a lie, a white lie, if you will. This is as black and white as I get.

[EllieBear]

If you don't feel like you can ask him the question, can you talk about your reaction and feelings about the situation? He may answer the question anyway, or you may find another way to deal with it.

There's been times where I was sure something was going on with my T and it was affecting me...either my trust in the relationship, or my worry about her, or my feeling like I could come in and "unload" my crap because there was something there on her end...an elephant in the room. I didn't want to ask her anything personal or make her feel like she had to tell me if something was or was not going on, so instead, I started to just address my reactions...how I felt, my perception, how I was processing it. Most of the time she has stopped and thought about it and said yeah, your right, there is something going on and she'll tell me what she's comfortable telling me about it.

Whatever this is with your T, it's obviously affecting you. Could you find another way to bring it up if you don't want to ask the question? Maybe even telling him you've been cancelling because there's something bothering you in the relationship/in the room or however your feeling it, but you don't want to intrude into his personal life by asking a question he is uncomfortable with so you don't know how to address it. Just a thought. It's worked for me because I'm very hesitant to pry into my T's personal life...but if it's affecting your therapy, then the part that is about you is important to address.

I don't know if that makes sense. It's hard to know exactly what to say without specifics.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

But it's a lie of omission, not quite a lie, a white lie, if you will. This is as black and white as I get.

Do you think there's a therapeutic reason he may have lied in this way (would have hurt you, interfered with therapy in some way)? Or maybe it would have revealed personal information he didn't want to reveal?

Originally Posted by ultramar

Do you think there's a therapeutic reason he may have lied in this way (would have hurt you, interfered with therapy in some way)? Or maybe it would have revealed personal information he didn't want to reveal?

I think it may have revealed personal info he didn't want revealed.

[WikidPissah]

Not a lie really. He didn't say "I have no knowledge of that" he just played down his knowledge. Maybe he's just humble? Why does it HAVE to be that he's deceiving you for some horrid reason? There are a million other reasons, but you are focusing on bad ones.

(((hugs)))

I know b&w thinking is difficult.

[CantExplain]

If I felt, for whatever reason, that my T had lied to me, I would certainly call him on it.
I'm more comfortable with confrontation than with uncertainty.

But you can still be tactful. Eg "Something you told me doesn't add up."