I talked to t on Wednesday afternoon, and was in a therapy hangover fog all day yesterday. Meh, couldn't focus at work all day and I kept getting so aggravated at myself because of it. It's friday morning and the fog has not yet lifted. wtf? Is this some kind of punishment from my psyche for daring to take a 3 week break from t?

It may have been my own imagination because she's never left me with this feeling before, but I came away from our session Wednesday feeling some aggravation coming from her as well. Like she thought I set myself back or something by taking a break. Break-schmake I want to say, what do you mean "people don't just stop therapy" wanna watch me?! Where is this hostility coming from? Therapy brings out a lot of different feelings in me but hostility is rarely one of them. I feel this need right now to be really awful to her so she'll say "fine see if I care do whatever you want" and succeed in pushing her away.

I was happy on Wednesday evening about being "back in therapy" but at the moment I am working my way up to being pissed off at t about it. I don't know why, either. I have always felt that t genuinely cares about her clients myself included.

This seems to all boil down to me not wanting to feel. Easier to get pissed off at t than to accept the feelings she was trying to get me to sit with on Wednesday that are expressed in the sand tray. Easier for me to over-analyze the thing than to just FEEL. Easier for me to get pissed off at her for pointing that out to me than to realize she's probably right.

It's hard to allow myself to have feelings.

When she asked me on Wednesday "where are the feelings in your body? can you say hello to them?" They were in my tummy. They are always in my stomach. They are a beast that must be fed, or something. Is this why I am fat?!

No t, I cannot say hello to them, thankyouverymuch.

(Note to t: Yeah, so okay, you're right t. Waving my white flag. I'm back in therapy. I hate like hell at this very moment that you are so far away physically and I want to blame all of this on you for leaving me. I want to be my surly teenager self and stomp my feet and yell at you "See what you did!! It's all your fault!!")

But I won't do that. It's one thing to write it down. But to actually accept and feel those feelings enough to act on them, is another thing entirely. Sorry for the long and wandering post. Ugh. This very moment I am wishing t could read this but I doubt I'll show it to her. Ugh.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

When she asked me on Wednesday "where are the feelings in your body? can you say hello to them?" They were in my tummy. They are always in my stomach. They are a beast that must be fed, or something. Is this why I am fat?!

I would play with this if I could. It seems the most "fun" of all the feelings and rigmarole you're going through?

You got me thinking about my overweight/feelings, etc. and if we don't acknowledge our tummy, fill it with our anger and refusal, maybe it is why we're fat. I'm reading a book by a neurologist, Gayatri Devi, M.D., A Calm Brain, Unlocking Your Natural Relaxation System, and she's getting me to think of things like that, rethink my thinking versus feeling/instincts/use of senses.

[unaluna]

Interesting. Who is mad that you have to be fed again? You were alright for a while, and now you're not. Boy no wonder ts are always on us about their vacations. Only took me 40 freakin years and YOUR POST to figure it out.

Trigger



Btw, I just ate like one verithin slice of bread (3 slices = 1 "normal" slice) and some tuna-guac, and I was like, oh thats enough for now. That is sooooo not me. It was always my parents goading me to overeat so I wouldn't be hungry later. But I was always really hungry before dinner. I just didn't exist until then, so no breakfast, skimpy lunch. I didn't exist because I didn't exist until my dad came home from work. The mother just ignored me and used me to do her chores.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

It's hard to allow myself to have feelings.

When she asked me on Wednesday "where are the feelings in your body? can you say hello to them?" They were in my tummy. They are always in my stomach. They are a beast that must be fed, or something. Is this why I am fat?!

No t, I cannot say hello to them, thankyouverymuch.

This all sounds very painful.

I understand the therapy hangover and the fog that can last a few days. I also understand how getting angry as the 'way out' of feelings can be 'easier'. Feeling is very, very painful! But you're aware of it, even if it isn't safe enough for you to feel it all right now and that really is something I think! It is also okay to feel angry sometimes I think. Just take care of yourself!

^^ (quote)...or the opposite and you just need to get the monster out of you!

I hope you can tell all of this to your therapist because it matters.

[CantExplain]

(Artemis)

Thanks all. I wrote a bunch more along these lines at work today. I talk with t again on Wednesday, assuming I make it until then without texting her for an extra session, I'm going to ask for an extra one later in the week on Wednesday. Yep, I was alright for awhile, and now I'm not, and I have landed myself squarely back in the deepest depths of psyche for the return trip. Buckle up T, this is gonna be a rough one.