The gaze of intimacy

Forgot to say that my T insisted on looking at me during my last session while I was telling him about a dream and he was taking notes on it - he said he wanted to look at me while I told it, no idea why but I didn't like it!

Having an eating disorder ........going clothes shopping sends me back months of therapy. Having SI behaviors.......looking at myself naked in the mirror sets of images of me slashing my body with a razor blade. They are just images. No one freak out. I am not going to do it.

When I started therapy I had a really hard time with the eye-contact thing. T would sometimes lean sideways in his chair to catch my eye.

I'm okay with eye-contact now, but find I only do it when I'm particularly interested in what T is saying to me. When I'm speaking I'm less likely to look at him.

But I've initiated a few of those looooong eye gaze sessions myself with him and he never flinches away from it.

I also remember one particular time when I was suddenly angry at him and I glared for a very, very, very long time at him and he held eye contact the whole time, looking perfectly calm and curious at me. I was rattled by the staring contest for the next few days and still wonder what the heck was going on in his head at the time.

i can't stop thinking about how much i need to feel this from t right now.

I love the gaze and like to sit with it a minute because I feel the connection and support even more.

I love that gaze as well. I love my T's face, and when I look into her eyes it feels like she cares about me. Sometimes I do initiate it.

I had a conversation with my T about this at one point. He was doing that GAZE at me. I said, "stop that. It's creepy." He said, "it's not creepy; it's intimate." I said, "same diff." He laughed and told me that was a therapeutic issue.

This sort of thing doesn't bother me at all. But perhaps women perceive it as predatory?

Lol - I like how you approached that with him I feel like that sometimes with my T too, but I tend to try to pretend it doesn't bother me for some reason...

I like this thread.

the connection - that's it - it's a whole different level of connection with t that i used to feel when she would look at me like that. i can almost get it back when we are talking during a phone session... almost... but not quite. i miss it so much.....

I like it too!

I like it too. Mostly because I've decided to tell T I find 'the gaze' creepy. He won't be surprised. I don't handle connection or support very well. He's told me this before. Sigh.

I would be so freaked out by this type of gaze....if I ever looked at him I might see it there and it would be horrible. One time I was pretty upset and I did happen to look at him for some reason and he had this weird look on his face (perhaps that was this "gaze of intimacy") I blurted out "what are you doing?!?" He said "I trying to empathize with you"....totally freaked me out. ....yeah, guess I still might have some work to do

I love that gaze too. I told my t before that I like to look at her eyes because they make me feel safe and help me know if what she says is true. But I also get embarrassed if I hold a gaze for too long. It makes me feel very vulnerable.

Normally, if we are just talking about coping skills and such, I can look at her while she is talking to me. But if we start to talk about anything that feels embarrassing, personal, or shameful to me (including attachment and the t relationship), I feel scared and vulnerable to look at her very much. So instead of gazing at her, I sneak quick peeks at her eyes and then look away.

Anytime I talk in therapy, I look at something other than T. I do look at him most of the time when he's speaking to me. I did notice that I look at him when I'm talking about something I am very confident about, like work or school. I don't know what he looks like while I am talking. He likes to do the gaze while no one is speaking. Barf.

I'm not at all trying to invalidate your perception of the barfiness or creepiness of the gaze. It has been like this for me, but then I realized that like many ways I interact with people, both intimately and non-intimately, it's connected to my CSA history. I think that when as a child, you have to be attuned to your perpetrator's (or potential perpetrators') gazes to assess the danger of your situation, the problem with gaze generalizes to "gaze" more broadly. Add that to a situation, like mine, where I was punished for failing to "look at" properly, and it's something of a wonder that I ever look at anyone at all.

For me being uncomfortable with "gaze" was something that I wanted to change, because I have this thing about not wanting my history to rule my life. I discovered that there are all kinds of gazes, both in and out of T, and to be open to this kind of human interaction (although gaze with other creatures is a whole nuther topic, but it is also satisfying) has made my relationships with people richer. The gazes of my child and my H are unique and wonderful, and some of the moments I've had are so precious I will treasure them forever. Words don't always capture what gazes can. It's also made me better about my own gaze upon people, and I've noticed that people really respond to gazes-- they feel nurtured, attended to, and cared for. One of the young lawyers I mentor once said that my gaze is like "sunshine" and that she felt like when I looked at her, it was as if she was the only person in the room. I think more broadly, that learning to accept and give a multitude of gazes is like learning to appreciate feeling the sun fully upon your face.

I never look directly at t at all. Eye contact makes me nauseous.

My T persuaded me to turn around and look at him the other day. I managed it for, ooh, all of 2 seconds.

i have a hard time looking directly at T when she's looking directly at me. I have a tendency to look a different direction. I do like to look at her when she's looking away either talking or thinking. But there are those times where I will look up and catch that "gaze" as im talking. And whew, she just oozes warmth and gentleness. Its almost too much that I have to look away. I wish I could look longer but I havent been able to yet.

I always look at the woman if I am angry. Sometimes I look at her if she is talking. I never look at her if I am talking about something distressing me or the couple of times I tried to tell her something non distressing.

My T seems to want me to look at him. He will ask me to look at him periodically and then I worry I am some weirdo that he has to ask me to look at him like a normal person.

My T and I pretty much look at each other the entire time. I mean we don't both stare at each other, which would get awkward. We both look away for brief moments at times while "looking" for words. However, I think I know the "look" that you are talking about. I guess, for my T, I'd call it the "look of empathy." It's the look that says, "I'm so sorry; I understand; and I'm hugging you, on the inside...."

Edit: ...And I like this look from my T. My T is very genuine; I don't find it "creepy" at all.

content, the look you are talking about is slightly different than the one I was referring to (at least with my T there is a different look that seems to be mean empathy). I also disliked that look, but am finding it less creepy as we go on In the beginning it was incredibly difficult to deal with because I equated it with pity, but he assures me he does not feel pity, but rather sorrow, for what happened in my life. At least once, he was talking and giving me that look and it almost felt like he was physically touching me. It was nice and then freaky.

I don't recall having a look from the other one I see either. And I don't get angry at the second one. I look at her a little more, but still no look I would say that has conveyed intimacy or caring or whatever from her.