Accepting Helplessness?

DISCUSSION TOPIC

One of Madame T's objectives was to get me to accept helplessness. I resisted to the point of quitting.

It occurs to me that there are no role models for accepting helplessness. It is not heroic. A hero might accept defeat, but it's only temporary and you know he will win in the end. Or if not, he dies with his boots on.

Comments?

I don't understand why a T would want you to 'accept helplessness'... are you sure that's what she was doing? In what context?

My T always says that even if you're in the bottom of a dark hole, you can still choose whether to stand or lie down. I don't think my T would ever want me to believe I was helpless. She believes in 'try, try again'.

Maybe I had a bad T. Maybe I misunderstood. But as far as I can tell, she wanted me to accept helplessness. She did say it was an "advanced topic", "not for beginners".

I don't know. I don't think it is the same as accepting defeat.

In a discussion relating it to control or manipulation or feeling a need to act on a feeling, accepting helplessness could mean the healthy acknowledgement that there are few things we control, that we don't need to attempt to control and manipulate, that sometimes we just have to accept that things happen, people are who they are, and we are helpless to do anything about it.

Is it like the premise of the serenity prayer?

I've had this discussion with my t.

Helpless = I can't change it no matter what I do, say think... so, accepting it as opposed to fighting it is supposed to make life easier to deal with.

Like right now, I cannot change the fact that I have an immune disorder, I cannot change when the doctor has an available appointment. Acceptingt that is supposedly less suffering for me... I haven't accepted...so who knows...

I thought she wanted you to accept powerlessness; I don't think they're the same thing.

[/quote]It occurs to me that there are no role models for accepting helplessness. It is not heroic. A hero might accept defeat, but it's only temporary and you know he will win in the end. Or if not, he dies with his boots on. [/quote]

I think this is more film fantasy than reality.

Comments?[/quote]

What do you mean by helplessness? Is this the word she used or your interpretation of what she wanted you to accept? I just can't imagine a therapist endorsing helplessness.

Did she mean accepting that there are things you cannot change or have control over? What do you think she meant by that (or whatever wording she used)?

I think one needs to accept that helplessness happens. When you were a child, in many ways you were helpless. Deciding that you should have done something other than what you did is pointless because you did the best you could in your circumstances with the resources you had available. That needs to be noticed and even praised.

I got lost when I was 2 through no fault of my own and I knew where I "should" be but could not get there. Eventually I sat down and "gave up" trying to get there (since I could not), just burst out crying and my father found me and "rescued" me. I find it hard to give up and accept that I can't do things all on my own but need an/other('s)' help. I think that is what your T might be talking about.

We may feel "helpless" when we are "powerless" to change something.

There are some things that we cannot control, no matter how strong we are or how much we want to. Beating our head against the wall in frustration accomplishes nothing. But we can control our reaction/response to these things.

On the rare occasions when I've been able to see that something is beyond my control, accepting it (and the fact that I can't change it) makes me feel more powerful than raging against it. I think this is really important, and was the point your T was trying to make. Sounds odd, but accepting your powerlessness (is that a word??) can make you more empowered.

Wish I could explain it better ... I just know it's happened to me a few times, and I get it. Wish I could do it all the time .....

I think that is what she was trying to say. But she wasn't a good explainer.

I'm not sure if anyone could have explained it to me. It still sounds illogical. I didn't get it until I experienced it. Of course, no one's ever been able to tell me anything anyway ... I always have to learn it the hard way. That's why it wasn't until I was over 60 that I developed any "wisdom" at all. If ya have to do it all yourself and don't listen to anyone, it can be pretty slow going. oh well

Amen! I'm right with you there.

I don't think one can accept helplessness, because when you are helpless to a situation you want to change, you get frustrated, it is a natural response, ok not a nice one but there is little you can do to change it, so i think you can accept the feelings involved with being helpless to a situation can be accepted as natural, but accepting you are helpless is far harder to accept especially if you are one who is used to being independent. e.g i can accept that when i am unable to do something i want to do i will feel frustrated because i used to be able to do it, but i can not accept i am helpless as there are loads of other things i can do, and i deserve to be helped at times, just like everyone else.

I don't see quitting as resistance? The problem I see if there is true helplessness, where you literally have no control and there's learned helplessness where your perception/what you have learned and experienced in the past leads you to believe you have no control.

Straight away, I can imagine three responses to helplessness: exploration to test the helpless state, frustration/struggling, or, quitting. But, supposing exploration finds one's self to actually be helpless, then what. It seems there would only be denial/frustration/struggling or, quitting/not playing anymore. Your T though seemed to see a way out in accepting it?

I once was making a cake for my husband's birthday from scratch and it required I use 8 eggs! I got into a rhythm of breaking the egg, dropping the egg in the bowl, dropping the egg shell in the sink, picking up another egg, dropping the egg in the bowl, dropping the egg shell in the sink, picking up another egg, etc. However, I got distracted about egg 5 and broke the egg, dropped the egg in the sink. . . I immediately put my hand down the sink (to the disposal which was not on :-) trying to "catch" the egg. I needed that egg!

Of course, I then realized that that was not possible, I was helpless to get back that egg, it was gone. So what did I do? I accepted that egg was gone and moved on, using 9 eggs instead of 8.

I did not rant about not being able to make the cake because my egg was gone. I did not quit trying to make the cake because my egg was gone. I accepted the egg was gone and looked at the broader picture to see what made sense to do next.

My mother died when I was 3 and my stepmother was not a good "fit" for me. But I needed and wanted a mother at that age so I made my stepmother my mother. Fast forward 17-25 years and I'm in therapy Granted I could not accept my helplessness as a 3 year old, I both had not learned how yet and I did not have the skills to survive alone. So, I had to learn to accept that I had been helpless when I was 3 and it was time to accept that my stepmother was not an adequate answer for me. I was always the right size, the pants did not fit.

What's the difference?

Insightful feedback from others. Did she mean that you should be a victim, or was it more about surrendering to something? Her language seems confusing. Even in situations that you can't control, you are not helpless necessarily. You still have a choice in how to respond. That's what makes a real hero.

Being helpless is to have no choice but to be a victim. Being powerless is to choose to not exert power/control, leaving room for the other person in the interaction. It allows you to "hear" the other person as well as yourself.