Couch 48 - All are Welcome - really!

Thanks, trdleue. It IS so tempting though, isn't it?

I'm pretty sure my H wouldn't be down with it.

((LifeLike))

Sounds like you are angry about something. Any idea what?

Sorry, CE. I'm not doing well. T decided to terminate me. See "She's done" thread.

Aha! Then you should shave her head.

so it is Monday evening and it is miserable. i know i have T tomorrow and i have been letting her in on some of the stuff from my past. tomorrow i just don't want to talk. I'm terrified about the affect of this but i just don't want to talk about anything. my T has told me that i tend to be able to communicate with her for a while and then i shut down and will go for months without saying much at all. she has said that she cant let that happen any more. she has told me that i need to try and communicate with her in some way . but i am tired of talking to her .i come home and i crash. i know this doesn't seem like much to just talk to her but it is causing me to crash and sleep. i am scared of the emotional tiredness i am feeling . I'm scared that she will say she doesn't want to work with me.one of the stipulations of her continuing to see me is communicating .i have been trying really hard every week to talk to her .she would say and has said she feels i need to try harder .tomorrow i want to stay safe in my head. i am feeling like they are my thoughts and experiences and i am terrified to share. i keep thinking if she had said something or did something that i am reacting to,but she didn't. it is just me being spoiled ans selfish. I'm tired and don't want to feel bad by talking more. just need to vent because i don't know what to do.she is a good T. why do i insist on doing this

Ha! Thanks, CE, that made me chuckle.

Granite I do the same thing. Its really vulnerable to share all this stuff. I share for awhile, then I pull away and retreat into my shell. You have shared a lot more lately. Your T can see that I'm sure. What my T and I have started doing when I retreat is to stop talking about the trauma and talk about why I feel like I need to run away from her. And you know what, that is still working on things. Can you go in and tell her how you are feeling after sharing? Even if you can just share that, I think that's a very important part of working on stuff. You don't have to push yourself to talk about the past every time. I've spend many many many hours talking about how much I want to stop talking and why, and those talks have been the most helpful in making me feel safe enough to keep communicating. Sorry its hard Granite. Hugs to you.

Granite you ok now?

Elliebear has a good idea granite. Can you just talk to her about how exhausted you've felt the past week or so after talking to her? Tell her what you just told us and see what she has to say about it. I suspect even sending the emails you send take a lot out of you emotionally. Tell her that as well.

If you don't want to talk tomorrow, what exactly do you want to do? Can you draw how you're feeling??

The aide part isn't because you just supervise kids on the bus. The bus driver part is unpopular because not all of them understand special needs kids and usually will flip out if they do anything different and call them immature. Not many bus drivers want to pick up kids at their house individually instead of a group of students at a street corner.

Wow, I need to go to bed soon, even if I can sleep a little later in the morning. I am shooting for their to be a new couch when I return in the morning, since this one has almost hit 100 pages.

It will be nice to have a little extra time in the morning, even if I do wake up at the same time as usual and spend the extra time online. Nothing wrong with that if it helps be relax in the morning. :-P

Well, off to bed I go.

Night couch.

Hey, couch peeps.....Been offline most of today. I was called for an emergency assignment, so I was out for a while. Felt good to work, even if it was only for a couple hours.

Then, as the day/night went on, I was struck with yet another intense migraine...same as last night. Rain is on the way, which makes sense...but it's weird that they're coming on late in the day with such intensity. I wish the rain would just get here already. Sheesh.

I haven't had dinner yet cuz I don't feel like cooking and don't have much in the house that's easily available. I guess that's what I get for liking fresh veggies so much. I picked up a bunch of tomatoes, yellow peppers and red onions. So, maybe I'll just go make some salsa. Gotta love my cilantro plant!

i'm ok lola i was just writing in my journal and thinking about tomorrow and just realized i dont even want to try and talk. it has all been to much and i'm scared

my T said i need to be trying to communicate in some way. as long as i'm not sitting there doing and saying nothing, the thing is i just want to hide in my head. i quite sure she may not do that

that is a good question . maybe ill tell her i dont feel like talking and if she says then we dont need to meet or something like that

I wish I was able to enjoy journaling.

So granite do you ever talk to your t about other stuff? Like the craft store lady wanting to hang out. Or how funny the alien library was - that was hilarious! !! Cuz therapy doesn't always have to be such hard work. You can still make progress on an easy day. But as stopdog would say - thats how I do therapy; your process may be different.

I have a grumpy three year old who won't stay in his bed..I got all excited b/c I was in bed before 10pm tonight. I suspect little guy has an ear infection so I gave him some Motrin. Hopefully, he will be back in his bed soon.

Granite- it is ok that you don't feel like talking, but try to keep t in the loop! Let her know that you just can't talk.. maybe she will have some suggestions for you.

((( granite )))

My T tells me that he does not expect anyone to have to do the hard work every session. He says that everyone's pace is different, and that's ok.

I'm sure my T is quite frustrated with me, because I'll delve into the hard stuff one session and then go MONTHS (no lie, MONTHS) without ever going back to it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lighter session. If you can get the message to her that you are having anxiety because you don't want to talk about "that stuff" this week, I'd imagine she'd be ok with focusing on some lighter things. It would still be working on the client/T relationship, which is also important.

((( Lola )))

I used to journal all the time, especially when I was spending a lot of time ruminating because it helped me get it out of my head and reduce the anxiety I was experiencing...and shared a lot of it with T. I was even in the process of turning it into a book. And then, I shut down entirely and haven't gotten back to writing at all. It's as if I am no longer in touch with the emotions. Ugh.

Ugh, Healed....kids with ear infections are rough. I hope the kiddo feels better soon and that you can get some sleep!

Made a batch of salsa. Yippee! Too bad it's not something I'll eat right now. So, I'm just gonna chill and try to get some sleep soon.

Yes! Little man fell back asleep.. back to bed I go!! Good night couch!!

Nice! Rest well, Healed.

I hate the nights when I am not sleepy and it's late. I either end up becoming incredibly anxious, or start ruminating about things, ...or fall asleep and have flashbacks or night terrors.

I hate it when T says that I need to "make a decision" or "listen to what my body's trying to say"...

OK, I'm going to NOT ruminate. I'm not going to feel anxious. I'm going to have sweet dreams and am going to get a restful night's sleep. So there. Take that.

Goodnight, couch peeps.