[childofyen]

I've been seeing my T for over two years now. Things with her have been touch and go at times. I've spent a long time feeling like I wasn't being honest with her, without being able to put my finger on exactly why or how. A few months ago I got drunk and wrote her a letter in which I accidently came out as transgender. Ever since then, all of our work has been around my gender identity. Consequently, I no longer feel as though I'm lying. So that's the good news... being honest with myself and then with her has freed me from a lot of the feelings that kept us from really connecting.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have any experience with transgender clients. I'm her first transguy and, while she's very supportive (and almost happy about my revelation), she doesn't know quite what to do. For starters, she doesn't know the lingo. That doesn't mean much to me because I don't mind taking some time to define the things I'm talking about. Like I said, she seems eager to learn. She's even sought out outside information, through news articles, youtube videos, and by talking to a friend of hers who is a gender specialist. (Yeah, I'm very grateful to have such a great T.) Also, she doesn't know the standards of care, or the basic path for transfolk. Many transguys in my position are in therapy to seek a letter which will give them access to hormone replacement therapy. Since that's not currently my goal (though it might be later in the year), I'm not as concerned about this part of our relationship. Mostly, though, it bothers me that she might think that this is just some phase, while I believe that a gender specialist would be able to see the situation for what it is.

So, while I don't expect anyone here to know about trans issues, I am wondering what I should do in this situation. Do I take the time to educate my T so we can continue our otherwise satisfying relationship? Or do I seek out a specialist who has extensive experience and might be able to help me dispel some doubts and fears? Ultimately, I guess the question is, which is more powerful: the relationship or the tools? I think that's a question we can all weigh in on, regardless of gender.

[content30]

Although I cannot relate to your specific issue, like you said, I do relate to your general T issue. Approximately 7 months ago, I told T about a big issue I have. She has been a T for 15 years but had not dealt with this specific thing. She consulted with someone who had, read a couple books, and discusses it with me often. I have the best therapeutic relationship with this T that I have ever had with any T. For me, it was worth it to stay. We have learned and continue to grow together. Despite her lack of experience with this specific issue, she has been immensely helpful.

Also, every T has to learn to deal with issues by having that "first client" with that one "issue."

So, IMO, if you really value your T relationship, if she is really trying to learn, and if you feel that your are benefitting from your sessions with your T, then I would stay with that T for now.

[CantExplain]

I think it is unreasonable to expect a T to know everything. So in that sense, educating your T is part of the process.

[Raging Quiet]

Hi there, my therapist knows nothing about eating disorders, so this week I realised I need to educate her and I've written some things to give her.

Perhaps you can write a piece entitled "a day in the life of me" and give that to your T?

All the best.

[tinyrabbit]

Educating your T about an issue means you get to deal with it on your terms without your T assuming, generalising or acting on outdated, wrong or irrelevant info.

I have a rare sleep disorder and my T didn't know about it. Telling him about it, answering his questions and explaining it was a great experience for me as I was used to people being dismissive.

If you fear she sees it as a phase, that sounds like it's coming from transference. Have other people seen it that way or made you feel you should? Sounds like something important to explore with your T.

[2or3things]

If it's at all possible, can you do both? (Maybe cut back a bit on the frequency with her to also see someone who specializes in GI stuff?) Or can you find other ways to connect to the trans community for support?

It seems like if getting a letter isn't really your goal right now, and if you feel educated enough on your own to know what you need to talk about, you might not even need to speak with someone else at the moment. I mean, it's complicated, but it's also mostly an identity thing, and I think a lot of what people go to T for is identity related, one way or another. So while she might need education on the specifics, if she's got good skills, they should translate, I'd guess.

The only downside is that if getting a letter suddenly feels urgent, you'll still need to take additional time to work with someone else if you haven't already begun that process. But while I don't know for sure, I'm guessing that any new T you'd be working with would be willing go talk to current T, and that could speed up the process significantly.

Good luck! Sounds like you've got a big journey ahead. I'm so glad for you that you've got a great T to help you along the way!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by childofyen

Mostly, though, it bothers me that she might think that this is just some phase, while I believe that a gender specialist would be able to see the situation for what it is.

You're worried about what she might think. Can you ask her what she thinks? That way it is out in the open and you aren't worried about your speculations. Then if it turns out she does think this is a phase, you can educate her on that. I'm not sure why she would think it was a phase, though? Do you think you are communicating some ambivalence about your identity that would result in her thinking this is a phase?

I think she sounds like a good T and your relationship has deepened now that you have been more open with her. She seems to be trying to learn about you and your issues. So far, so good? If you feel you might need more of a specialist, could you discuss that with her too? She might have some good insights on that.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Educating your T about an issue means you get to deal with it on your terms without your T assuming, generalising or acting on outdated, wrong or irrelevant info.

I have a rare sleep disorder and my T didn't know about it. Telling him about it, answering his questions and explaining it was a great experience for me as I was used to people being dismissive.

If you fear she sees it as a phase, that sounds like it's coming from transference. Have other people seen it that way or made you feel you should? Sounds like something important to explore with your T.

I am definitely enjoying educating my T. We get along well and I appreciate that she takes time to ask questions that others might be afraid to ask. As far as transference goes, the phase response is actually the most common response from people based on my experience and my research. For some people, typically children, it is a phase, but not for most. Even still, people who are not transgender have a difficult time understanding transgenderism, and as a result they often assume that it is a condition that will pass or work itself out. That being said, I am behaving responsibly and following all of the rules so that I can minimize any regret that I might otherwise have. There aren't many lifestyles that require gatekeepers, but transsexualism is one of them.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by sunrise

You're worried about what she might think. Can you ask her what she thinks? That way it is out in the open and you aren't worried about your speculations. Then if it turns out she does think this is a phase, you can educate her on that. I'm not sure why she would think it was a phase, though? Do you think you are communicating some ambivalence about your identity that would result in her thinking this is a phase?

I think she sounds like a good T and your relationship has deepened now that you have been more open with her. She seems to be trying to learn about you and your issues. So far, so good? If you feel you might need more of a specialist, could you discuss that with her too? She might have some good insights on that.

You're right. I see her tomorrow so we can have a conversation about the phase idea. I personally don't see this as a phase, and I've mentioned that to her. I know that she is reluctant to diagnose me as GID because she has no experience, that's mostly what makes me think she's thinking this is a phase. But of course, as time continues to pass and this continues to stick, I'm sure her opinion will change.