just a question about e-mail

for those of you who are not allowed to e-mail .have you ever asked the T why that is beyond it is just a boundary or policy. have you ever asked why that the T has put those in place .would be able to share what your T's answer was .just wondering.

my T does not allow e-mail but i have sent her a few in the past and about 4 in the last 3 months .any way more then usual.years ago she told me she does not like e-mail because she doesn't always read it .her computer is old etc.. ant then it was she wanted me to be able to communicate with words etc.. lots of different things. anyway when i did feel the need to send and e-mail (i know not cool and not respecting her boundaries) she would not respond or bring it up in session at all.she acted like it didn't exist. it isn't like i have done this often ,maybe 10 times in the 3 years i have been seeing her .but maybe 4 in the last 2 months. a lot for me. anyway... last session she brought up the e-mails and i cant remember what most of her words were, but i got it ,she doesn't like e-mail. i do know she asked me what are we going to do about it. i said that i was so sorry for sending them,and that i will not do it any more.she said she wasn't sure about that .that if the reason i was sending them is because i am unable to talk about what is is them and that i would otherwise never tell her, she wanted me to send them to her. i don't believe i responded to that and the conversation about e-mail had come to an end. i know i was feeling horrible for sending them .i know that isn,t what my T wanted.but i am not sure what she really wants with the e-mail. but i know she don't like it. she then pushed me to talk about what i had sent in the e-mail.

so i know she said that i could continue to e-mail stuff i don't think i would be able to say otherwise . but i liked being able to e-mail her and not ever have to talk about it.i didn't ever mind her not responding to them. i was comfortable with her not bringing it up at all. i didn't want to talk about it but wanted her to know. i don't really know why or how helpful that is but that was how i liked it.kind of like the best of all worlds.she knew what i wanted her to and at the same time i didn't have to deal with it.why i wanted her to know in these cases i have no idea. for me it worked well.

now i think if i e-mail her she will push me to talk about what i say.she wont ignore it like she use to.i don't think that is ever going to work for me at all. i think she has finely found a way to stop the e-mailing. but really i wasn't that obsessive about it and i never bothered her about them or got upset at all. until now it was all just ignored.

now i want to ask her what is so wrong about the small amount i e-mail and why is it she really doesn't like it. just made me wonder if anyone else has ever asked

I think some of them believe it is in the discussing of the info that helps. So that could be a reason she wants to talk about it. I think this is something just to ask her so she can explain her ideas on it to you.

My ex-T didn't have a way to contact him besides a call, but he would always call back like ASAP. He and I once talked about how we both thought email wasn't a great idea between a T and a client because so much could be misunderstood over email, as email has no tone. So if a client is upset about something and the T writes back, but the client can only read the words and hear no tone, it can be taken in so many ways, and sometimes incorrectly, which can lead to even more pain. How many times on here have you seen threads about such a topic? I have seen alot. Since email has no tone, it's a difficult tool to use as communication for anything with emotion in it, even in personal relationships, etc.

I also think some Ts want to keep certain boundaries in place where their life is their own at certain times, and they can get on the computer and relax, play video games, read articles, email friends, etc., and not be concerned about dealing with clients. Because they really do stress out about us and worry about us (the good ones) and they need to be able to relax and have their down time too so they can keep doing their jobs well. Allowing clients to email doesn't turn off their "therapy" sides as emails can appear at any time, and they never get to be "not therapists".

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I am sure others will add their own. Hang in there...maybe it would help to write out your feelings and what you would want to be saying to your T in an email but just not send it. And eventually you could maybe print them out and bring some of them to your sessions and talk about them, because obviously what you have to say and what you are feeling is so important.

I think it's cuz your t is 500 years old.

lol not quite that old.and she does know how to use a computer and everything

I don't think there is anything wrong with you e-mailing, but my guess is if you have brought it up it is something that needs to be talked about - at some point. If there is something that you are having trouble bringing up, perhaps you could e-mail your t and tell her that this is something that may need to be talked about in the future. That way it is out there, but you don't have to feel pressure about going in depth about the subject.

T#1 does not like e-mail because of the meaning can be misunderstood and can not hear the tone but he has answered and or acknowledged ever e-mail I sent him. He understand how damaging it can be to ignore a clients e-mail. T#2 prefers e-mail as the way to communicate and wants me to send him a "How I am doing" e-mail between sessions and if he is not busy he will send a response or discuss it at the next session.

My T originally said no to email, but calls and messages were okay. She then said that I could email and set no limits. She said we would try it and see how it goes. Once or twice in the few years since she's allowed email she has not responded because she was still thinking about the email when my appointment came around.

When I asked her why she changed her mind, she said that initially she felt that adding email could be time consuming and hard to manage, and she didn't know how she would feel about her personal life/time being intruded upon.

There is another perspective here, too.

My therapist lets me email, but he doesn't give this option to all of his clients. It seems to be on what he determines each client needs.

Maybe your therapist is being flexible and trying to meet you where you are at and what your needs are. Sometimes it's not always easy to identify needs vs. wants and maybe your therapist needed time to get to know you and what you really need from her perspective?

BTW, what's the point of therapy if you're not there to talk about your issues? Getting them out in the open via email is a great way to start, and I don't think it's unrealistic for a therapist to expect it to come up in conversation in the next appointment. That doesn't mean you're forced to talk about it, but even my T is like, "So you emailed and said X...." If you're really not comfortable about talking about something in person, you can just explain that you wanted to let her know but you're not ready to talk about it quite yet. People I've seen have been really responsive when I've said that.

Sometimes, I personally need some time between disclosing an issue and actually discussing it. I need time to be okay with the fact that someone else knows the "secret".

My T says he doesn't like me to email because once that email is sent it's official and out there for the gathering. He's paranoid about it getting sent to the wrong person or something. I think he also feels it's easily discoverable evidence should he ever be called to trial on a patient.

Not that I would ever end up in a court case.

I really think T was burned by email from a patient at some point and he won't consider it any more.

When I first started seeing him he handed me this two page legal document talking all about how I should not try to contact him via e-mail unless it's about an appointment. I should not try to friend him on facebook. I should know that any reviews I may submit about him on doctor review pages are permanent. Blah, blah, blah. He doesn't even HAVE a facebook page! He told me last week for some reason.

What does this mean? That a client can be discovered or that if it is negative a client can't erase it later? I am just uncertain why he would tell this part to a client.

Very interesting reason and he sounds quite thoughtful/careful...but your thought on him getting burned before makes total sense.

My ex T and current T do not have facebook pages either. Neither do I!

I am uncertain about why that was in the "electronic communications" document he gave me. I suspect it has something to do with some clients who might be in an angry mood after a session and they post frustrations on one of those sites about him, then wish they could take it back later? Of course it would make him look bad and may have privacy stuff in it that the patient would regret putting out there.

You know, like all the stuff I post here all the time that I'm sure he would freak over if he found.

My T doesn't like email, but he hasn't said that I couldn't send them. He said that there is so much more to communication than the written word and too much gets lost - tone, body language, posture, etc. Written words can be misunderstood, taken out of context. He said talking on the phone is better than writing, but still not ideal. He would much rather me ask for an extra session if I needed it. I sometimes wonder if that's just because he'd be paid for spending time on me.

As much as he dislikes email, he does let me send them...and I do send them on occasion, usually in crisis. He even acknowledged in my last go-round that he knows that my emails are to alert him that I am in distress. He knows that I struggle with talking when it's difficult stuff. Somehow my emotions were better able to go from my body to my fingertips without being filtered through my brain. And that was helpful in order to make him aware of what I was enduring without having to talk. Unfortunately, I am no longer writing like I used to...so much more is bottled up now. Ack.

Any-hoo...

I never had the option to email my t until after she moved away, now I email her the stuff I used to bring with me to appointments when we still had them in person - I email her my typed up dreams/active imaginations/poems and sometimes if I've done a sand tray I'll send her a picture of it prior to the next phone appt. I guess I just sorta sense the boundary there - and don't wanna cross it. If anything drastic were to occur I know I could call her and that is enough (so far).

My T hates emails to.

So, when I've ever felt the urge, I've written her the 'email' down on paper and given it to her in the next session.

My T isn't an email person either and it is because he knows he doesn't check his email constantly, not even daily, so it isn't a good way to communicate with him.

My T does allow email so I hope it's still okay to reply to this thread and offer my perspective. I think email causes as many problems as it solves. On the one hand, it's good for an instant fix that makes you feel connected to your T, and it's good for communicating things you can't say. But once email is out there, it's out there. You can't take it back. Sometimes I've emailed things and then changed my mind about what I've said.

I think a lot of Ts are quite reasonably concerned with how much email they might get, whether they can keep up with it, etc. My T has always been very clear that he may not read emails before the session, and he may not reply - and if he does, it's never at length. It can be agony wondering if he's read something, what he thinks about it etc.

My T says he sometimes feels like he's behind on things with me if he hasn't had time to read my emails. And the thing is, sometimes I'll email something and then totally change my mind about it, so I feel like I've wasted his time with it. And tone of voice really can get misconstrued very badly.

I do a job that involves getting high volumes of email and it can get really exhausting trying to keep up with it so I can see why a T might want to restrict it. And it's better to have a blanket rule than saying you can email up to a certain amount - because then you have to agonise over whether to use the full allowance or save some or whatever.

When I have used email, it was to say things I couldn't bring myself to say out loud. XT wanted me to email more frequently, because he thought it was a good way for me to get things out.