Ever caught your therapist out in a lie?

Has your therapist ever lied to you and you found out they'd lied? How did you resolve it?
I just did this week. It doesn't feel good. She told me on several occasions that she isn't available after 6pm and never at weekends or on holidays, she is adamant on this. Yet yesterday she spoke of another client contacting her in crisis at the weekend and how she phoned her back and spoke with her.

This bothers me.She's really hammered home to me about boundaries etc yet it's one rule for me and another rule for another client.

This would bother me too Asia.
I would think maybe it would depend on the situation and the crisis, I mean if a client was to contact a t and threaten suicide a t would have to at least phone back or they could be sued for negligence.
I wouldn't take it personally, maybe because of last t you are thinking that this t has extra boundaries put in place for you?
Have you asked her directly about contact after hours in a crisis?

It may be that the situation with the other client was such that the therapist had a different situation with them for reasons that would not apply to everyone at all times. It might not even apply to the other client at all times.
In this situation, I would not read it as catching the therapist in a lie. I don't see the therapist lying as such in stating her usual availability to you even if shifting that availability for another client for reasons that are not clear here. I personally would be more concerned the therapist was telling me about another client. The one I see promised me she "Never touch(ed) clients" and then later told me about hugging someone who had cried. I just asked about it and she assured me she would not hug/touch me - which was all I really cared about. So I guess my solution would be to tell the therapist I would like clarification.

Yes she has been quite explicit on several occasions about her availability. She did tell me before that she can't offer out of hours crisis support. I was very much under the impression that her phone is turned off at weekends and anything i did send she wouldn't get until the Monday. So this other client must know otherwise to have even bothered sending a text.

But yes, i think the extra boundaries are for my benefit after what happened with ex T.

Stopdog- maybe you're right, every situation is different. And it did cross my mind about her mentioning another client. But no names were mentioned or identifying information so i'd never know who it was.

Maybe i am being extra touchy about this. But it just makes me feel a bit sad and rejected or something.

I am sorry it has you feeling so bad. Rejection is an awful feeling.

Not a lie exactly, but I accused Madame T of withholding her smile, and after many years she admitted that was pretty much what she was doing. That's not how she saw it, of course.

Asia,
It would make me sad too but until you know why I wouldn't worry too much about it. I really hate the way they have different boundaries for different clients, it hurts.

I would ask her about contact again though and mention that she rang that client back.

Yes I've caught them in lies in the past and it stings ... did you talk about this with your t?

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I've felt hurt too by what I perceived was preferential treatment of another client, which ended up just being my flawed assumption. Regarding your situation, I would like to point out that the client texting may not necessarily be an indication that the client knew he/she could contact the T. I started phone contact without ever asking my T if it was okay. I also texted my text in crisis, also without ever discussing it beforehand with my T. We ended up discussing guidelines for it afterwards, though I got the impression that none of her other clients texted her or vice versa. So, I would consider other possibilities like the one that the client may have contacted T over the weekend with no prior okay of the behavior.

Regardless, I do suggest talking to your T about it so you can both be clear on the boundaries as well as explore your reaction to this. When I thought my T was consistently running over time with a new client (in the session before mine), I had so many assumptions about it, but my T helped me think of so many other possibilities for why it happened (T had been running late all day, T just sucks at keeping time, etc. in addition to my own thoughts that the other girl deserved it more) since I was jumping to conclusions when I really did not know. Without actually telling why she ran over that day (because it wouldn't have been helpful for me), she did make an effort to be more punctual in later sessions, but the most helpful part was the discussion it brought up. I learned a lot about myself and my reaction to a perceived injustice/unfairness/preferential treatment that was really more about me and my issues than my session starting a few minutes late. I hope you can bring this up with your T and straighten things out.

For one, I think you should point out to the t. that it is not your business or your concern what she does with other clients. And, then, since she opened that door, I would ask her to specifically tell you why the boundaries are different for you and why she would tell you (knowing this has to hurt at the very least, raise mistrust and make therapy less than effective at worst) what access others have to her. She goofed. Maybe it was a slip. But she was wrong. And it should be discussed or you will still think of it....and it will eat away at some part of you, Especially if boundaries are an issue for you.
If she can deal with this well, all will be well, if not---your call.

I have caught t's being untruthful. One fell asleep on me, a few times, when I finally confronted him he said he had narcolepsy. There is tx for that and his behavior was not consistent with that so I brought it up again and he admitted that he had found himself thinking he didn't really have to listen to me before he dropped off.
Another told me I was fine and didn't need tx.---when I disagreed, he suddenly had a "great" referral for me and told me he didn't think he could deal with me.
So, yeah. It happens, just like real life...
I was brought up being lied to and this made me very sensitive to people being untruthful (too sensitive, sometimes, like at work, it is not such a good radar to have, especially since it triggers old, unrelated, poorly regulated emotions). In tx, do Not be afraid to speak up, it is the place you should be able to deal with these issues.

I wouldn't characterize what you describe as a lie, but interpreting it that way, as "catching" your therapist, sounds a little on the hostile and antagonistic side. This might be something to explore with her.

I don't think therapists do or should make "rules" that are the same for all clients. People who have trouble with boundaries will get stricter boundary rules than people who have trouble reaching out for help. People who are having erotic transference will get less self disclosure by their therapists. People who seem like they may physically attack their therapists will have rules imposed because of that. Therapy is not a one size fits all and therapists do not conduct therapy as a cookie cutter process. So even if the rules are in fact different, and not just that a client's situation required your T to break her general rules, I think that's the way it should be.

I would think that even for a T who had a hard and fast rule of no client contact outside of session-- that if a client suddenly had a tragedy happen, such as being assaulted, losing a child, getting a life threatening medical diagnosis, and reached out, the T would be okay with that. It's not possible to know what kind of circumstances the client your T mentioned might have had, but I think it would be fine for you to ask why she told you about a client who was given something you were told was not possible for you.

I think therapists have different relationships/rules according to each client's needs, how they express themselves; I would not want my therapist to operate with me the same way she does with someone that has a different background and problems. I was almost offended when 7-8 years in to our second go at therapy together, I was having a medical emergency, was in the ER, and did not call her until the last minute to cancel (I was still hoping to get to my session; I ended up being in the ER for 14 hours and was admitted to the hospital 3 days later for a week's stay) and a couple weeks later she told me I had to give 24 hours notice or she would have to bill me for the session; I know that "rule" but it was not germane to our relationship and had never come up in almost 20 years of working together.

If my T said right out that she was not available overtime, I would take her at her word and take it to mean, not available to me. At the end of our first session together the second time, she mentioned she was not an "ambulance chaser" meaning I was not to act out and expect her to be there and, given what we discussed (and how) in the first session, that was perhaps appropriate (I was all over the place and "swamped" her) but it would never occur to me to let myself get that out of control and/or call her if I was. I don't know, she might have been available to another client, but other people's therapy is not about me and my relationship with my T.

I would mention what you see as a "lie", a discrepancy in what you heard and implied and what she then related to you about another client and see if she has changed her rules or if that was about the other client and not you or if she did say one thing and do another and how it affects your therapy together.

No I haven't. But then she doesn't 'bang on' about boundaries or rules making them seem more a weapon then a design for healthy relationships. Plus she's never in 9yrs even hinted at her behaviour with other clients. So no blurring occurs.

I'm sorry that happened to you Asia. I can imagine you must feel hurt and betrayed. Like others here have suggested, I think it might be a good idea to talk to your T, and let them know what you are thinking and feeling about the situation.

I too agree with most people here that Ts probably have different rules for different clients. I know that I personally would not want to see a T who was so strict about rules that they didn't bend or alter them for people as needed. My T has done things for me that she technically shouldn't have, and I'm sure she has done the same for her other clients, especially in times of crisis.

About your "lies" question: yes, I have known my T to lie, but never about anything really important. Most of the time I don't say anything, because, like it or not, lying is just part of humanity and it happens. When I have called her on it, I usually do it in a lighthearted and teasing way, such as wagging my finger at her and saying "Now now, don't you lie to me Missy!" to which she usually responds by laughing and telling me the truth. Lies from her don't really bother me, because I trust her, and trust that she wouldn't lie to me unless she felt she had to. It reminds me of one of my favourite Doctor Who moments (yes, I'm a nerd) The Doctor is talking to Amy, who is in serious trouble, and the conversation goes like this:

Doctor: Amy, you need to start trusting me. It's never been more important.
Amy: But you don't always tell me the truth.
Doctor: If I always told you the truth, I wouldn't need you to trust me.

I feel the same way about my T - she may not always tell me the truth, but I trust that she cares about me and is doing everything she can to help me, so that's ok.

Anyway, I hope you can talk to your T about it, and get some resolution. Please keep us posted!! *hugs*

As hard as it is, if this happens, I try to call it out right away. Otherwise, you're left dealing with it through the rest of your week.

A therapist once told me he wasn't taking any new clients, but then told me he was seeing someone new (can't remember why he was telling me) and I just said, "Oh, you're taking new clients again?" and he said he was doing it as a favour to another therapist in the same building and that it was only short term.

The worst part of it was that he was so open that he didn't want to do it. I thought, geesh, hope he doesn't talk about me like that to other people!

Sign #1 that something was wrong with that relationship. Bah.

I wanted to tell you, too, my current T has different rules for different clients. Some clients he offers email, some he doesn't. He was open about this when I asked him if he gave his email to everyone. I think for my therapist, their are boundaries and rules, but he is flexible depending on what a client might need.......from what I've gathered.

No, this has never happened to me, thank goodness. I would be very upset as well. I also wonder why she was talking about another client with you, even if it was in passing.

I do agree that there could be different reasons for what happened, i.e. she has stricter boundaries for you b/c of ex-T, or the other client was truly in a crisis, or whatever. However, it's definitely very upsetting and I would talk to her about it.

Asia, as hard as it is, I also think that T's pretty much NEED to have different rules for different clients.

My T does not generally allow email contact, but allows me to email him. I use the email carefully and with great thought and only for things that I cannot say out loud, or things that I am afraid I will chicken out of telling him about if I don't let him know about them right at the moment. He knows me well enough to know I am super careful of boundaries and that the emails are a way for me to move forward on incredibly difficult subjects.

I had a friend who saw the same T. He did not let her email and she was pretty ticky about that. However, he would often go over time during sessions with her, and fairly often complimented her and said very positive things about her. He is SUPER strict with time boundaries with me. He starts a minute or two late and almost always ends exactly on time. [we went over only twice in three years and then only by a few minutes] He never comments on my looks or my appearance and rarely says positive things about me in the way that he does with her.

She did not issues with transference with him and I do. So with me, he holds the time boundaries harder and doesn't often make the positive comments because he doesn't want to encourage the transference or lead me on in some way.

We're all different and I think the rules need to reflect that.

Thanks for all the replies.

I've had time to sleep on it and y'all are right, therapists do and should have flexible boundaries depending on each client. And since i'm new to her too, maybe it's better to have strong boundaries now and can be lessened as the relationship deepens and trust builds.
I think at my appointment, i felt a little bit of connection to her- the 1st ever and maybe i'm looking for excuses not to trust her.

Im sorry it felt so bad to hear that.
My first t lied to me at our first session. She told a story about her "aunt" but i already knew it was a popular "therapy example story" since my husband is a t. I didnt say anything to her about knowing she was lying. But i should have taken it as a warning

it's one thing i've been adamant about with this T, is that she avoids all the "therapy" B.S

My T told me she only gives her personal number to certain clients because some tend to abuse it.

I think boundaries vary per client and situation.

My T lied to me recently (about her marriage) but then she changed her mind and told me the truth. I know she's careful with me because of my feeling rejected. I think the times she's said "I have a meeting" or "I have to go somewhere" after a session when I ask if she has someone after me, aren't lies, just enforcing her boundaries with me. She used to go over the time but she doesn't anymore. Something else she changed.

I agree that Ts have different rules for different clients, depending on what they think is therapeutically best.

I caught mine in a white lie. We're kind of on an impasse about it, and I told him its a 'dead horse' topic AFAIK. He told me that it is not and I should definitely bring it up again. (it was too late that day.)