Ramming through stories in therapy

I would try to connect first with your therapist, figure out and discuss with him why you want to tell him the story in the first place? What is the "point" of the story? I would shift my thinking and remind myself that I am telling him the story to better connect to him, not just to give him information. How you perceive why you are telling the story might help with how?

Apparently there is something in here that I need to work on, because, hoo boy did I have a reaction to this post. I wanted to start yelling that I don't WANT to connect with my therapist. Then I felt the need to share that the reason I tell stories in therapy is because presumably this is the type of activity that is supposed to make me feel better, although I don't think it is working.

Argh.

Yes - this is why I tell stories to the therapist too. The therapist has never said anything to about the reason for telling the stories is to connect to the therapist. From what the therapist has said, telling the story is supposed to do something, although I am not certain what and the woman is not clear.

My problem - and please let me know if I'm hijacking the thread here because I really don't want to do that - is that I am terrified of boring my T (yes, I know that you don't think that's something the client needs to worry about, stopdog - my T agrees with you, but I do it anyway. It's not a conscious or cognitive reaction), and I'm afraid of talking about things that are not really important. And I go mute because my brain freezes and I can't find the words. So I tell my stories with as little detail as possible because I just don't know how much detail is appropriate and I want to err on the side of caution. That's also a kind of "ramming through", I guess, but in a slightly different way. Sometimes there's a bit of emotion, usually not. And T asks lots of questions, but of course he'll miss things because I don't give him enough background.

I wish I knew how much detail would be ok to tell without prompting.

I think that's a good point, Mast. I do a variation of that too. I don't want to be too whiny, so I automatically start editing things out. He gets a really watered down version of whatever happened.

I actually just emailed T about this thread. I have no idea if that was a good idea or not, but I guess it's done, so oh well.

I don't edit out detail but I often don't remember it. I don't recall feeling anything about the situations either. That seems to be the sticking point for the therapist I see. I truly do not recall having any feeling one way or the other about what I am retelling.

That's all I meant by connecting to the therapist, sorry to scare you all

But the "supposedly" stuff has got to go; going on someone else's you'll-feel-better-if-you-tell-your-story isn't going to work if it's not something you are into?

If you want to feel better by telling a story, what does "feel better" mean? The story isn't going to change, it is only going to be "shared" and feeling better can't happen in a vacuum? You have had/know this story for as long as it has been around so just you having it and it rattling around in your own heart/head obviously isn't enough.

The story "hurts" (or you would not want to feel better?) so you have to share that hurt you feel, you have to interact with another person AND the story and the three of you share it (the story/hurt you feel is a "person" too).

It makes you feel better the same as having a beer with friends can sometimes, when you're lonely or bored or have a gripe and the friend just says, "Yeah, I hear you" and you know they do? It doesn't change the story, just gets it back in perspective, reduces its size and meaning so it joins your other stories in memory instead of being like a misfiled file with a bent folder that is jammed in there (using ultramar's image/difficulty of jamming stories through). You have to take the folder out, smooth it, check to make sure it's contents are in order, etc. and then gently replace it where it belongs and it won't bother you anymore.

Ah. I usually tell stories after being asked about something by the therapist - it is not necessarily the the story is floating around inside hurting me. The therapist asks about X and I answer. I am not always certain how the stories connect with why I went to see a therapist. I don't have stories to tell that hurt. I don't see how those stories, which the therapist sometimes over-reacts to, relate to my situation. The therapist indicates she does, but I don't. So I go and tell stories to feel better but not because I think they hurt in the first place, but because it has been indicated to me that telling stories of that nature will somehow help something that I want to help.

here is something that I have found to be very powerful, if you can do it

instead of relating what happened, tell it in the present tense.

"I am ____ years old. It's a summer night (or whatever) and I walking down this alley by myself, and"

My therapist and I don't work in terms of 'catching out' but he has observed this before, yes.

For some people it's hard to control the emotions, for others it's harder to feel them, and then lots in between. I'm generally very in touch with my feelings and express them, but regarding certain topics, I'm less so.

This thread has been extremely helpful to me, it's not just recognizing there is a problem, but all of the great suggestions in how to go about working on it. I already have lots of thoughts and ideas to bring into my next session. Thanks, guys!

Great question. No, no rehearsing, etc. Although come to think of it, on this particular occasion, I had planned (the previous week), with my therapist, on talking about the incident the following session because of something that I might have to face IRL soon (vague, I know). And this might have actually contributed to the problem, I went in there knowing that this was the time to 'tell' this and maybe had my defenses more up because of it.

This is a good point. As I mentioned in another post, there was a very specific/concrete reason I needed to talk about this at this particular time. I may be about to face a related situation, and have been afraid that what happened would really mess me up with this (sorry, not feeling very eloquent tonight, I'm beat). And I think this was part of the problem, in a way. Get this out now, feel better --I'm really not such a concrete/simplistic thinker, but I do think part of me was in this zone. I haven't been so disconnected with *everything* nasty I've told him, just with certain things. I'm eager now to start tackling this issue next session. However difficult the emotions that might come up in delving into these issues, I think it's better than not connecting to the feelings -or my therapist.

I'm also in a relatively good place right now -stable in general, and therapy is good- --maybe I haven't quite internalized that I am in a better place now, and in fact *can* handle whatever emotions come up!

But the "supposedly" stuff has got to go; going on someone else's you'll-feel-better-if-you-tell-your-story isn't going to work if it's not something you are into?

If you want to feel better by telling a story, what does "feel better" mean? The story isn't going to change, it is only going to be "shared" and feeling better can't happen in a vacuum? You have had/know this story for as long as it has been around so just you having it and it rattling around in your own heart/head obviously isn't enough.

The story "hurts" (or you would not want to feel better?) so you have to share that hurt you feel, you have to interact with another person AND the story and the three of you share it (the story/hurt you feel is a "person" too).

This is wonderful -thanks, Perna.

Ultramar,
I also have told T things that I just say quickly, or sometimes it is so difficult to talk about that I start going really slow trying to breathe. Either way, I am fighting feeling anything. To me, it is sometimes important for me to get it out anyway I can, and then let T help me process it. I wish I had some good advice on this one, but I don't right now. I have also learned from this thread and appreciate you posting it! Take care.