What do I do with this?

Sorry to keep posting about the same topic - I appreciate all of the support and feedback I've received so far related to my exT terminating me.

I finally went back to re-read the termination letter she sent. In the end, I wasn't surprised by the clinical and formal tone it had. She reviewed the course of therapy, making a case that I had met the goals that I had originally set when I first started seeing her. What struck me was what seemed to be a kind of revisionist history of the therapy. The way she portrayed things, I was "finished" with therapy because I was no longer depressed. And it's true that I have not been depressed for the past few months. But I've cycled in and out of depression throughout the entire time I've met with her. Being not depressed didn't negate the other things I was trying to work on in therapy.

She cited me having talked with her for the past couple of months about feeling like I needed to end therapy (which is true). She called these "termination conversations." What she failed to note was that neither of us ever explicitly talked about termination. I talked with her about feeling as if I had overstayed my welcome in therapy, that it seemed that SHE was ready for me to be finished.

And then there was this: "I would be happy to sit down with you and "consultT" to rework the ending of your therapy with me, after you have done some work with her around it."

She actually put consultT's name in quotes, as if, I don't know, she doesn't actually exist or something? I don't have any idea what that statement means. I mean, I understand what the sentence says, but why on earth would she say that?! And what am I supposed to do with it?

I went to bed yesterday as soon as my kids were in bed. And I dipped in and out of terrifying dreams all night. I am so angry. And I feel so betrayed. When I told my T this, in our last session, she told me that she didn't understand at all how I could feel betrayed.

Wow. It sounds tough. I could see the "consultT" thing as being the first therapist did not see the second one as just a consultant (and from what you have written - I think she saw the second therapist as threat or a reprimand and her feelings are still hurt) so the quotation marks would indicate, to me, that the writer did not view it as a consultation situation.

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but what is helpful for me when I have conflictual misunderstandings where the other person's point of view just doesn't make sense to me-- is to try to see how s/he *could" see it that way. For example, in the paragraph above, you find it important that there was no "explicit talk" about termination as indicating that you did not in fact have these conversations. I don't really know what that means and I'm confused about why that might be definitive, but if you are up for following her perspective and seeing if you can understand it from where she sits, I think that can release you from some of the hostile interpretations you are making about specific writing choices she made in the letter.

I find that there can be multiple truths in almost all conflicts. For me, it is comforting to understand the other person's perspective because nonsense makes me nuts. Most people behave in a predictable fashion if you can get where they are coming from. Doesn't mean you have to agree that this is the right way to look at it, but I find that the reality most often is that the other perspective offers me valuable feedback about the way that my words and actions are interpreted by others.

You don't have to do anything as a response to this letter. You can throw it in the trash and pretend it never existed. I do think that there is something to be learned from it, though, if you can open up the possibility that it could be useful.

It sounds like you and your T were not a good fit and you are taking that personally, as if there was some deliberate plan or mistake made by your T to make that so and somehow that makes it look like you are at fault in some way.

I think the consult T's name is in quotes because that T is just a suggestion; you could see another T and work on how the termination affected you and then your ex-T might be interested in meeting with that T and you to discuss it further, I think the quotes just literally say, "ConsultT" as if any reputable therapist you choose would probably be fine with your ex-T.

Anything we respond to as a loss is a loss to us and needs to be grieved. You were terminated and that can be painful if you did not want or expect to be terminated. Anger is a very good/normal response to loss, it is by working through our anger that we figure out what to "do" next in regard to what we have lost and figuring out how best to help ourselves as we move forward. If you want to work through that anger with another/ConsultT that would be good or you might just work with yourself and then find a therapist you would like to work with on your other goals and/or continue to work with the other therapist and maybe/maybe not meet with your ex-T once again if you still feel a need for some sort of closure.

I think it can be very upsetting when one sees a therapist for years under the impression the fit is doing as well as these things can, and with the therapist reassuring the client all is well, and then the therapist changes their mind. How the therapist handles it can leave the impression with good reason, that the therapist blames the client or thinks the client is at fault.

Here where I live and work we always put other therapists name in quotes...this is because we have not met that therapist in an official session...many people in therapy sometimes like to hide who their next therapist is for many reasons like safety, anonymity, fear, anxiety...by putting the therapists name in quotes on any forms and letters that tells who ever may need to view the files int he future that we have not actually met this therapist, we know nothing about this therapist...

for example one of my co workers is helping a client prosecute the abuser. the court has subpoena'ed the files.

this co worker had to testify in court. when asked who this other therapist was, the co worker could now legally hide who this new therapist was from the abusive husband and his lawyer by being able to state honestly ..I have not met this therapy, I do not know whether this is that therapists legal name, or whether they exist, I only know the client stated that name. No I do not have any up coming appointments to meet with this new therapist.

I cant say whether this is what that therapist was doing or not...only your therapist can tell you why she placed the consult therapists name in quotes.

Im a bit confused about something...

you stated that

She cited me having talked with her for the past couple of months about feeling like I needed to end therapy (which is true). She called these "termination conversations." What she failed to note was that neither of us ever explicitly talked about termination. I talked with her about feeling as if I had overstayed my welcome in therapy, that it seemed that SHE was ready for me to be finished.

if you were here in NY(USA) that is what having a termination conversation is about. Here where I live and work a termination conversation is any discussion that is about the clients thoughts or wishes on ending treatment..... or ....the therapist discussing with the client they are unable to continue seeing them...is considered a termination conversation..

but yet you stated you and she did not explicitly talk about termination.the term explicitly means ...clearly....not implying...by your own words you stated you and she did talk about you feeling like you needed to end therapy. you even stated it was true you had this conversation..

Im wondering if its not the fact that she terminated like you wanted to thats getting to you.. Im wondering if its that you and she never discussed a termination date..

Im also wondering if when you talked about terminating therapy with her those couple months if you didnt actually mean you wanted to end therapy with her.

some people discuss termination with their therapists not really meaning I want to end therapy with you. they say it expecting their treatment providers to not do anything, or try and talk them out of it...

here where I work and with my own treatment provider if I or a client states Im feeling like its time to end therapy, we end therapy right then and there. that session we talk about why they want to end therapy and its the last therapy session with them. the short version is that here in America everyone has the right to choose their own treatment providers and unless the client has been court mandated they are free to end their therapy at any time..we do ....offer...having a transitioning to a new therapist meeting. and we do ....offer ...a closing therapy session..but its not manditory.

I think its great that your treatment provider is honoring your saying you felt it was time to end therapy and did so. I also think its great that the therapist offered to have a transitional or closing meeting with you after you have met and started working with your new treatment provider... this will give the both of you some space and time to clear your thoughts so that the closing, transitional meeting will go well for you. It wont be in the heat of the moment type conversation.

Whilst I agree with Anne that there can be multiple truths... I think with these things you do have to take in to account that a certain amount of covering one's *** may be going on with how she portrays events.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. In my last session with my T, I told her that I understood how she might have drawn the conclusions that she did. I also told her that I felt she was basing her decision to terminate on a misunderstanding of what I had been talking about over the past couple of months. She was paying attention to part of what I was saying - that I had been thinking about leaving - without attending to the fact that I was also saying that I didn't want to leave, that it was important to me to resolve the recent ruptures that had happened in our relationship.

I agree with you that ferreting out the other person's perspective is a helpful and useful exercise. I was most frustrated by the fact that my T didn't appear to be trying to understand my perspective. I told her that even if she couldn't understand where I was coming from, I needed her to understand how I was responding to her mandate that we end therapy.

Maybe I'm being too nitpicky about semantics. My T didn't at all see the decision to end therapy as hers. She seemed unwilling to entertain the idea that I had conflicting feelings about ending (prior to our final session), and that those were things I needed to work through. When I said that neither she nor I had explicitly discussed termination, I meant that we had not agreed that we were actually going to end therapy.

I also should have been more specific with my question. When I asked what I should do with "this," what I was referring to was my T's statement about returning to "rework the ending of therapy" with the other T present. I feel thrown for a loop, as I had been working under the assumption (which my T did not dispute) that our final session was indeed our final session.

I guess I'm not sure what kind of closure, if any, would actually be helpful at this point. I know I'm not so receptive to my T's point of view about how termination came to be. I can understand it, but I don't at all agree with it. It feels like there's no category for this grief, either.

Thanks, stopdog. This sums up succinctly what my experience has been. There were so many other ways for my T to handle a termination. I named some to her, to which she responded that it seemed as if trying to agree on our perceptions about what had happened was actually making things worse.

Yeah, that's a really good point. I think that's where some of my anger comes from too. I understand that she can't exactly portray things as having not gone well in an official letter. It just sucks that the letter was a repetition of what I had been struggling with in therapy in the first place: a perceived lack of openness and willingness for my T to own her part in our relationship.