[ultramar]

Need some advice, guys.

When I tell 'stories', difficult ones, from the past, I have a habit of ramming right through it, talking really fast, getting momentarily distracted, looking around, finding my place, continuing to ram right through it. It's like I just spit it out, and I can't find a better way of doing it.

I say 'better' because I end up not feeling anything while telling the story, or sometimes a little surface emotion, and it ends up not being helpful at all. At the end I feel like I've mostly transferred some important information to my therapist, but haven't helped myself work through this.

At the end time will often nearly be up, and I feel disconnected with my therapist because, well, I haven't connected with him while telling the story, I'm just in my head and it's almost like he's not there.

This last time we talked about it and he said we can try to figure out a way of maintaining the connection during the telling of the story, maybe finding some way of it being a dialogue. He mentioned that he wants to say things sometimes but finds it hard to 'interrupt' me (because the way I'm spitting it out, it feels like an interruption to him I think).

So how do you guys do it? How to feel while telling the story, how to s l o w down, how to maintain the connection so that you're really telling the story to the therapist and not out into the ether... How can it be more of a 'dialogue?' How to get beyond just recounting information to truly working through it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Thanks!

[BlessedRhiannon]

When I'm telling my T something, I have to force myself to check in with her periodically. I too tend to just go through the words and detach from the emotions. I've told T this, so she also will stop me if I haven't checked in, and ask me to connect with what I'm feeling. I try to say a few sentences, then pause, look up at T, and just check in for a sec. It's hard and takes practice, but it's helpful.

[likelife]

Yeah, been there, done that. I think it's great that your T wants to collaborate with you on this.

Does it feel like he would be interrupting if he tried to slow you down? I know sometimes it's been helpful when my T says something like she's going to help me slow down. It doesn't really feel like an interruption in that case.

I've also had to ask for help directly with slowing things down so I can actually process what I'm saying instead of just rambling.

[pbutton]

Great topic. I also need help with this, but hadn't been able to put words to it yet. Just reading the question has been immensely helpful to me.

[rainbow8]

I've usually done the same thing in my therapy! I talk fast, look around, and just "report" stuff to my T. When I recently read the 4 page, emotional letter that I wrote "to my Mom", I read it straight through, barely looking up, with not a tear in my eye. That was the opposite of what I intended.

My Ts haven't wanted to interrupt either. I think they learn in "t school" not to ever interrupt a client!

I think that a T can help you to focus on the feelings instead of reporting. When I do SE, T makes me stop and look around the room, tell her how my body feels, and asks how am I and what I'm thinking when I can't do that. But she STILL never interrupts me when I'm reading or "telling a story."
Maybe ASK him to stop you even if you're not stopping. Try to look at T's eyes and slow down. Or, don't tell the whole story, but start with the way you're feeling instead.

I hope you get some more helpful answers because I think it's a common problem.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

When I'm telling my T something, I have to force myself to check in with her periodically. I too tend to just go through the words and detach from the emotions. I've told T this, so she also will stop me if I haven't checked in, and ask me to connect with what I'm feeling. I try to say a few sentences, then pause, look up at T, and just check in for a sec. It's hard and takes practice, but it's helpful.

This is really helpful. Pause, look at him, check in. Maybe I can find a kind of rhythm that works for me.

When you say 'check in' -do you ask him a question, ask him what he thinks -how do you check in? It sounds great, I'm just not sure how I'd do it.

[doyoutrustme]

I think that happens a lot more as you are in the phase of transferring information it's normal to happen. I usually tell an intense story more than once. The first time I am detached, because otherwise the story is too hard to tell. The next time it comes up relevantly to what we are trying to work through something relevant I bring it up again, but I let the emotion surface more, and we talk about that and how it relates to the present.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by likelife

Yeah, been there, done that. I think it's great that your T wants to collaborate with you on this.

Does it feel like he would be interrupting if he tried to slow you down? I know sometimes it's been helpful when my T says something like she's going to help me slow down. It doesn't really feel like an interruption in that case.

I've also had to ask for help directly with slowing things down so I can actually process what I'm saying instead of just rambling.

I think he felt like I would feel like it would be an interruption He's probably right, I think I would be taken aback, a little jolted. I think the key will be coming up with a way to do this that might work (which may take more than one try) before going forward with another 'story.' That way it wouldn't surprise me. I think it's a good idea to ask him to ask me/remind me to slow down, that might work, not sure.

I keep saying 'story,' and maybe that's part of the problem. I tell it like a 'story' more than as an experience, maybe even thinking of it as a 'story' further distances me from it...

When you say 'process' -I know what this means but not really, I think it's hard to put it into words. What does it mean to 'process' it for you? How do you do that?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by ultramar

This is really helpful. Pause, look at him, check in. Maybe I can find a kind of rhythm that works for me.

When you say 'check in' -do you ask him a question, ask him what he thinks -how do you check in? It sounds great, I'm just not sure how I'd do it.

You know, it just depends on what I'm talking about. Sometimes, I just look up at T, check her expression, pause for a sec to see if anything is hitting me emotionally, and move on. Sometimes, I ask T if I'm making sense, if she's following my story, etc. Sometimes I'll directly ask T what she thinks. Sometimes, I just stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and check my own emotional state - but that took me time to learn to do. And, if I haven't checked with T in a while, she will gently ask me to stop for a moment and just connect with my body and with what I'm feeling.

[ultramar]

Or, don't tell the whole story, but start with the way you're feeling instead.

This is a really good idea, Rainbow, I hadn't thought of that. I think I'm so set on getting through a beginning, middle, and end, that wouldn't even occur to me (or I'd be afraid to do it that way).

Maybe if I start with how I feel about what I'm about to talk about, maybe that will help me start to immerse myself in the emotions before I go into the verbage (sp?) and maybe that way those emotions will stay with me, I'll be more aware of them. The only hesitation I would have is not finishing the story and feeling like I'm left hanging, that I have to get it all out. But maybe one of the issues is that I need to get away from the urge to do a beginning-to-end thing, conceptualizing it that way.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

I think that happens a lot more as you are in the phase of transferring information it's normal to happen. I usually tell an intense story more than once. The first time I am detached, because otherwise the story is too hard to tell. The next time it comes up relevantly to what we are trying to work through something relevant I bring it up again, but I let the emotion surface more, and we talk about that and how it relates to the present.

I'm glad you brought this up, because I actually feel like I need to circle back to things I've talked about before, but in the unhelpful way I'm talking about. But I somehow feel silly doing that; maybe that's me being stuck on transferring information, well it's out there, it's done (though far from it). I have touched on things more than once, as things come up, but not all the way through/thoroughly.

Maybe I'll talk to him about doing this, as we come up with ways to communicate experiences in ways that will be helpful to me.

[wotchermuggle]

Another way I've attacked the same issue, is to first give a very general account of what happened. Then go back and give more detail. Usually this over several several sessions because I want to remain in control of my emotions and can only go so far at a time. But if you give a general overview, it gives your therapist a chance to have the overall idea and connect with you to make sure he/she is understanding what you're saying before you go into more detail. You can stay more on the same page that way.

I find if I just blurt everything out, we miss out on that middle-conversation about details that can be very healing.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Another way I've attacked the same issue, is to first give a very general account of what happened. Then go back and give more detail. Usually this over several several sessions because I want to remain in control of my emotions and can only go so far at a time. But if you give a general overview, it gives your therapist a chance to have the overall idea and connect with you to make sure he/she is understanding what you're saying before you go into more detail. You can stay more on the same page that way.

I find if I just blurt everything out, we miss out on that middle-conversation about details that can be very healing.

This is very helpful -thank you!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for posting this! I am on the opposite end of the spectrum, so my work is to be able to talk about it as if I am narrating it.

I used to be able to talk about things in a nonchalant, detached way. Now that I am more in touch with my emotions, I get overwhelmed and dissociative when trying to address those things.

T is working with me to be able to talk about it as if I am just relaying it - which seems to be what you're working on NOT doing. So, I'd imagine at some point this is going to be a post that I may need to come back to.

Ultramar, wow you just summed up why 18 months with my xT did not help. I transferred information as stories but never talked about how I felt about any of it. I was too detached from the emotions...

[stopdog]

I don't think I ram through telling the therapist stuff - but she has told me I tell her stuff like a robot. I don't know what to do to change it, but just saying I don't think it uncommon.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks for posting this! I am on the opposite end of the spectrum, so my work is to be able to talk about it as if I am narrating it.

I used to be able to talk about things in a nonchalant, detached way. Now that I am more in touch with my emotions, I get overwhelmed and dissociative when trying to address those things.

T is working with me to be able to talk about it as if I am just relaying it - which seems to be what you're working on NOT doing. So, I'd imagine at some point this is going to be a post that I may need to come back to.

I've gotten soooo much better at identifying, being aware of and expressing my emotions, it's one of biggest steps forward I've taken in therapy.

And yet, this... In thinking about it now, I feel like a little kid reciting a poem at a school talent competition... push it out, get it right, fidget-fidget, ugh. I honestly didn't realize what a problem this was until this thread --I really appreciate your guys' input, it's making me think. I'm going to work on this. It's not like I haven't been able to work through anything, but it's been far more limited than it should/could be.

MUE, maybe at some point you and I can find a middle ground and compare notes!

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Ultramar, wow you just summed up why 18 months with my xT did not help. I transferred information as stories but never talked about how I felt about any of it. I was too detached from the emotions...

I hope you'll be/are able to with your new T!

An aspect of my relationship with my therapist that I really like, is that I feel like we're a team. And I feel that we can work together, trying different things, talking about it, where it comes from, to get to a place where I'm able to talk about these things in ways that will be helpful. Eventually, hopefully...

[So hopeful]

Thanks for this thread - so interesting. My experience is exactly the opposite. I'm 'all feeling' when I'm telling a story. I choke up, cry, tremble, laugh, etc. I usually experience the emotion of the story in my body as I'm telling it.

Others have brought this up a bit, but I wanted to ask if you generally look at your therapist's face and eyes when you're talking. I'm nearly glued to my therapist's face for the whole hour. Sometimes when I'm processing something or digging deep for an answer to a question I'll look at the carpet, but otherwise we look each other pretty deeply in the eye. It's intensely connecting. I wonder if that makes a difference, if it helps bring the emotions out when communicating a story. I feel safely connected when I'm swimming in that pleasant, unique, kind face.

I mention that because it feels like a dialogue to me, even though he almost never says anything during those stories. (He has plenty to say afterwards.) Looking at his face - and having him look back at mine - I can see that he’s with me in the story and in the somatic experience. I feel like I’m talking to a person and that he’s with me.

I had the disconnected feeling you describe once when I was exhausted from a sleepless night and blathered in an overwrought way the whole hour. I noticed afterwards that I had hardly looked him in the eye at all, and when I left the office I realized how disconnected - from him and also from myself - that made me feel. I got little out of that session. I felt bereft, like I had cheated myself out of all that is valuable to me about the session.

Your thought about calling stories 'stories' was interesting. Maybe that does make you feel like you need to tell a complete story, when all you really want to do is relate the emotional content. Maybe you could try thinking of them not as ‘stories’ but as ‘things that made me feel a certain way’? That might help bring you out of the role of the storyteller and closer to the role of the experiencer.

I'm so happy you have a good therapist. I'm wishing you luck with this...

[feralkittymom]

I tended to have more difficulty containing my emotions, or not dissociating. At first, I couldn't speak the words, so I wrote it out. I usually couldn't read it aloud, even though my T wanted me to, without becoming overwhelmed. So he started reading aloud--and yes, it was horrifying to me at first, but ultimately helpful. He didn't stretch to insert emotion into the words, but would stop when my hearing the words elicited emotion, and would encourage me to express the emotion, as well as to ask me leading questions.

It helped me to have him in control of the pace of the story, so that the feelings could be parceled out rather than experienced as an overwhelming mountain. It slowed the process down, albeit for a different reason, and also allowed me to respond in a way that took the emphasis off of my revealing content that felt dangerous and shameful. It allowed me to respond more to myself than to him, if that makes sense. It helped me develop the stance of a participant-observer to my story, and in doing so, see and feel some things in a different light.

hi Ultramar,
Does you therapist catch you out on this, or bring it to your attention?
I know when I say things unemotionally or just casually bring something up she will say
"I notice you aren't feeling connected to that, or I notice you smiled when you were saying that but it wasn't a happy story."
This really helps me to try and feel what I am saying and connect to the feelings around the words I am saying. It is easy to just blurt things out when we are nervous and easier to not feel what we are saying to try disassociate from the words and their meanings.

[bubbleghost]

I am totally mixed on this.
I spend a lot of time over the week composing speeches and planning everything I might say and every possible scenario and response. I rarely feel much emotion when I am rehearsing through it beforehand, but once I start talking or try to start talking, everything is different. Even though I rehearsed it a dozen times, it wasn't real until I said it loud to someone. The whole point of rehearsing was to be able to keep a straight face, but then I end up crying anyway.

To the people who do this kind of ramming through and blurting out stories, did you plan what you were going to say beforehand, or did the words just come to you without the emotions? I find it very interesting - I totally couldn't do that at all.

[pbutton]

The words come to me with no emotions. I just start talking and the story starts coming out and it sounds like it doesn't affect me at all.

I have actually been perplexed at T's emotion in response to what I have to say. I don't feel anything really about it (usually), so when he reacts it seems odd. Like I must have mislead him or said it wrong somehow.

Only a few times have I felt much emotion when telling him something and one of those times was when he was beside me instead of across from me. Oh, and once I got totally slammed back into my head after saying something. He called it an emotional flashback. It was pretty horrible.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I have actually been perplexed at T's emotion in response to what I have to say. I don't feel anything really about it (usually), so when he reacts it seems odd. Like I must have mislead him or said it wrong somehow.

Yes, I do this too.

Sometimes it is hard for me to get the words out. I fidget and jerk around and it is apparent I am having trouble speaking. But I never focus on the parts of the story that may have bothered me at some point while I was alone. That is where I tend to minimize and rush the most. Whenever I talk to someone else about it, it always seems like it isn't a big deal.