Couch 53 Bringing it All Back Home

I'm hearing you never want to marry again, ever. Is that true?

Crap. I totally didn't finish what I needed to do, but I'm not going to sweat it. I'll do them tomorrow. I am proud of how much I've gotten accomplished over the last few days. I really hope I can keep this momentum going.

Gotta throw the load of laundry into the dryer, and that's all I plan on doing tonight. Watching Karate Kid on DVD while waiting for my daughter to come home.

The idea of being with any man at the moment is terrifying for me. I hold a lot of shame and humiliation...and fear. Even with my exH, there were boundaries in place due to my history...and to finally become aware that the man that I spent since I was 18 years old with turned out to be a pathological predator....it pretty much closed the door for me on the idea of ever trusting my heart and body with anyone. Ever.

Maybe that will change with time and therapy....but at the moment, the idea is so scary that it takes my breath away.

(MUE) I can so relate sadly. Sorry you are in that place as well. We seem to have some of the same sort of "stuff"

I was with my ex since 17 and to find out that he was just like my abusers was a devastating realization. I see myself being single forever..although I would love not to be so lonely and lacking in companionship.

I'm sorry that you can relate, although it is comforting to know that I'm not alone. I know that I can get companionship from friends...and affection from my daughter. And other needs met with....other stuff. But there's still that void...and the longing to get that void filled is painful because I know that it's unattainable. I just wait for the urge to pass.

Well, I intended to clean today, since I neglected to do my daily cleaning chores this week, but since I don't have to work at the senior place tomorrow because they are out of town, I told myself everything could wait until then. Hopefully I will really do it tomorrow. Just a week's worth of dirt shouldn't take too long. I finished in 1 day last week when I had 2 months of dirt to clean. This should be much easier. I may take away my daily cleaning chores and just designate Saturday as my "set" cleaning day. It really wouldn't take that long to clean once a week.

Okay this is probably TMI for the couch sorry. I do have some friends for companionship and I actually don't miss sex or anything like that. What I miss is being held when I am upset and going to sleep in someone's arms.

You really are an inspiration Squirrel.

It's not TMI, Murray. It's a basic need, really....and it's along the lines of what I miss as well - even though I never really got that from my exH when I was married to him. I was able to get that need met by imagining it while with him, if that makes any sense. I guess it's really missing something I never had but could pretend I had - intimacy and closeness.

My daughter is on her way home. I can at least get a hug from her, which will feel especially comforting right now.

It's funny I recently told my T that I realized that I wasn't grieving the end of my actual marriage but rather the end of the fantasy that I had about what it could have been and never was.

A powerful insight!

I imagine everyone is getting pretty sick of me and Madame T.
"You've walked away (good!), why must you keep looking back?"

Because losing Madame T means having no mother.

((( CE )))

I am not getting sick of you and Madame T. The process is painful, and it takes time. You're doing what you need to in order to get through it. I wish I could make it easier for you, but the best I can do is be here for you. And I am.

My daughter came home exhausted, so after a hug she went right to sleep. I made something simple to eat and am now going to bed. I wonder what would be worse - fantasizing about what I doubt I'll ever have - or having nightmares about what used to be. I can only hope to be dreamless tonight.

Goodnight, couch peeps.

((MUE)) I am sorry if I made you feel worse.

You didn't do that at all, Murray.

I'm glad to hear that. I was concerned.

Hello everyone, spent a lovely day with my girls. We watched Life of Pi, I bawled as it bought up all sorts of things. I must track down the Life of Pi thread and re-read it. It was so lovely to spend time with the most beautiful girls in the world and not to feel constant underlying stress due to the presence of my ex.
Only thought of my T and you guys once. (Just had to check on the couch in case you all were talking about me Just kidding, I'm not quite that paranoid!)

Very glad you had a good day with your girls, and its great you got some time off from worrying, or being provoked by the court stuff.

What got you upset within Life of Pi? I know its very allegorical, so there is a lot there to get one emotional.

Mainly it bought up feelings of abandonment, and the argument about trying to follow 3 different religions as I was bought up in a Jewish/Protestant household and went to a Catholic school. I couldn't see the problem with that though as I get older I lean towards Judaism with a touch of Buddhism. I was just having memories of my grandmother making a fuss about not upholding traditions.

I need help from some of the forum elders like Hankster and Wiki and MKAC (or anyone who is more IT savvy than me) as I am trying to find the Life of Pi thread. I thought I'd use "Pi" as a search term as it is unique, but the engine says its too short and if use "life" I just crash the poor thing. And i've forgotten who started the thread, was it tinyrabbit?

Put the whole title in quotes, thus:

"Life of Pi"

Thanks CE I'll give that a try.