Couch 53 Bringing it All Back Home

You're right. Antepenultimate is better.

Sorry about the forthcoming break.

Your T asked you to do that?

Looking back, it's only three years since I needed Prozac to tide me over the winter. And I was only starting on reducing my hate.

I did good work with Madame T. And I'm still doing good work without her.

No he didn't ask me to that. I gave an example of how I feel about him based on it. I just had to re-read it to make sure i got it right and see if it would inspire me in anyway. So far it hasn't. It all comes back to love (or lack of) which I don't think is the issue.

As I recall, Plato says love is neither good or bad in itself.

blargh. -flops in and waves at people- i miss you all. hope you're doing well.

Not so long ago I would have been furious about this. But I can't find any anger today. Just sadness.

My wife says I have gained wisdom. But maybe I've just stopped caring?

There is wisdom in letting go of anger that cannot be resolved.

But is it healthy to let go of anger before you even feel it?

How overcast is it over there? Could it just be the blues?

Thats sometimes how i now I'm getting depressed when things that usually anger me just make me feel sad instead. But try tellig that to a psychiatrist.

It's been raining a lot, yes.

You're not afraid you'll lose your job are you?

Morning couch.

Just popping in before getting dressed to leave for C's.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Hey all..

Lola, congrats on the apartment. Fresh starts are a very good thing. I know it's hard for you, really hard, but once you get your feet under you I know you'll be okay.

Hi Sila

Ready - thank you for keeping those ducklings safe. God forgives you flipping off an a-hole.

I love fresh cut flowers. I buy a small bunch every week at the farmer's market and set it on my table. I even buy them in the winter. I just love the way they look. H isn't really good at the whole romance thing, but I am teaching him.

Good morning, couch peeps.

I really need to invest in a new bed. This one is totally breaking my neck and back. It's been a horrible bed for years, but I need a full time job before I can make that kind of investment. In the meantime, OUCH...

Woke up feeling incredibly anxious. I see T in less than 2 hours. Need to stay on track with my plan to talk about old yucky stuff from my past...even though almost every part of me is screaming NO!!!!!!! xgrpcoT and I chatted via text for quite a while yesterday. She said that a lot of the words I'm using to express how I feel (shame, humiliation, fear) are sub-verbal so no wonder it's difficult to talk about.

Today is my daughter's last day of school. Chocolate pretzel rods are made and packed for each teacher. Now I just gotta get a shower and get her up and ready....then off to T I go.

Disappointed that I don't have many assignments this week. Last week was such a good week for me....this week? So far, just one assignment where the client canceled (but I get paid for a min of 2 hours anyway)....and Friday, I have one assignment that's 2 hours. Ugh. I like getting the break but a bad week of income sure does tell me that this is not a job that will provide me with sustainable income.

Hope everyone has a good day. Will try to catch up on the couch later....

Oh and I have group T tonight.....I'm anxious about that as well because last week was pretty awful with the new co-T. He did the notes and not a single person started a dialogue on it. I did post about how frustrated and angry I was with him that he seemed to draw conclusions about me without really taking the time to get to know me...and that his involvement in the session was disruptive to what we typically do.

T wants me to confront him face to face on it....but when I'm in that room, I shut down. I need to find my power....dammit...

OH! I just read in the paper that there's an organic farmer's market near me today!

Good Morning everyone.

I feel like I spent all night dreaming... I woke up so tired... don't remember the dreams now... they weren't scary just exhausting.

My H is taking the brunt of my moods this week but really I'm just saying out loud what i think all of the time so its more like I just don't have a filter this week (well I must have some part still working...because I didn't say out loud the one thing that I wanted to say but would be hard to take back-almost wrote it hear but can't cause he might be reading here)

Good morning!
Nothing to do today except play the Sims, cuddle with my cats, and a workshop tonight!

I have softball in 12 hours. So clearly nothing productive can be done by me til then, since something is happening "soon/later."

Time is a mystery to me.

Back from my T session....it was productive. I was able to talk about a lot of the old stuff, as long as I was emotionally detached. T didn't realize the extent of some things and how much it affects me in group and in relationships. We are working on figuring out how to work through it....I'm not sure what that will look like, but it I am hoping whatever approach we take that it helps.

I'm working on not feeling anything right now....cuz I don't want to be consumed by the feelings of shame and humiliation.

I know I press the thank and hug button a lot. I mean every one of them, even if the "effort" is just a click.

I am having a really good day. I hope I'm not coming over as gloating, because that's really not what I'm aiming for... but I whine so much on the couch that I wanted to mention that sometimes life is rather good. What happened was that I unexpectedly received a txt message from a dear friend in Australia, asking if I had any time to meet up with him as he found himself at loose ends in my home town.... you could have knocked me over with a feather! He had emailed me to tell me he was coming here but the messages didn't reach me. And I did in fact have several hours free, so we've been walking around town, looking at sights, having ice cream, and just talking and joking and catching up and having fun. Made me feel like a normal human being, and it was so nice to get to catch up with him

Its so nice to have those days Mastodon... these are the days I try to journal about (yes I used it as a verb) because they are more rare than bad days!!!!