[sandworm]

Hello, I have a problem. I have this great therapist. I know what you will say.
doesn't sound all that great.
but "hir' really is high rapport with me. but as things move forward and
i get closer and closer to a resolution, 'hir' is being judgmental about
saying I should not be 'more ' machevillean" which I said I should so
I am not such a chump, punk for everyone.
'T" has told me I need to work for a win win with my ma by 'giving in first and offering something.' like a nice person.
and "T" is insisting i get back on the RX meds. or that I already know
all I need know.
or that I am too down on myself and filter out all the compliments to myself from myself and compliments from others, especially mom too.

I am tired of being a 'chump' for everyone, every time they decide to get
tuff and play rough i fold to *keep the peace* or have no idea how to counter them at all and I am like a deer caught in the headlights.
With my mom and former bosses who were abusive, I had that same history,
being debated and argued with and it are right or 'Sandee" is wrong
so I don't know ever really winning a battle. (with ma or boss or co-worker).
I few times have gotten apologies on anything that mattered and when I did
it was just a way to lull me into a false sense of security so I could be
taken advantage of again.
and as far as the compliments, I have done so many very amazing and cool things but no one (except for a few people) has ever given me any notice on those things
and those things that they do comlpiment, they are no in a place to
say anything. Like a stranger at class telling me I am doing a great
job at work when they have never seen me at work or barely know what I do.
THIS is the way it is with my "T"; who says I am good at stuff but has never
put eyes on it.
I feel I am good, nay, know it, but I don't have people in my life, brother,
Ma, or step dad complimenting the things "I CARE ABOUT"!!!

I get compliments about stuff people 'don't put eyes on' because they do not know that part of my life, or they compliment me 'doing dishes' or cleaning the
cabin' or ' my shoes' , 'my pants' , ' my suit' but when I
build an awesome shack from sticks that should have been burnt as kindling,
or made a bird house as a child, or a cool necklace or pull a lost item from
the frozen lake without my getting wet and not using a boat, it all goes without
more than a 'how did you do that?" in a monotone. and that question is
labeled as a compliment by the speaker.

I want more, and my "T" seems to think I am being unreasonable.

What can I do to insist and demand on what I want from life? and get it.?

Sandee

[Leed]

Hi dear Sandee ~ I also had a lot of trouble being taken advantage of, being walked all over, and being too "meek" by not being able to stand up for myself. It made me so angry! My therapist was awesome and it seemed like she knew exactly what i was going thru! She told me I needed to "take my power back." She said I couldn't be a doormat unless I laid down. lol

A lot of the problem comes from the 'delivery" when you're talking to someone. You have to be definite and and strong in a statement without being rude. For instance, when you KNOW someone is either trying to take advantage, or is being verbally abusive, just plain look them in the eye and say: "All I ask for is respect. I ask nothing more but I'll accept NOTHING LESS." And make sure they know that you MEAN it!! You must say it in a tone of voice that makes them stand up and take notice.

Like I said, your tone of voice makes a big difference. That's what I mean about "delivery." You can't just stay it in a monotone voice or no one will listen. Plus you must stand up straight when you're talking! The taller the better. Once we do things like this a few times, people will understand that we're not what we USED to be, and they'll understand that we're not going to "take" what we used to take either! We'll become a force to be reckoned with! We'll gain respect, plus our self-esteem will grow and we'll feel much better about ourselves. It's a win-win situation.

It will take a little time, but it's well worth it. You will no longer be looked at as a "wimpy" type person. You'll be seen as a very respectable person! And I'm think it will help with problems with your Mom. At least I hope -- I'm not really sure I understand what THOSE problems are.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I just don't think your T understands. I wish you the very best, my friend. Let us know what happens, ok? This might be hard to do AT FIRST -- but don't give up! When I did it, it was hard the FIRST time, but after I did it, it got easier & easier. You see, I had to confront my abusive husband. After I did that, I felt SO much better, and even divorced him! LOL God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[unaluna]

You want compliments - validation - from people who understand what you do. I think part of the problem is, people around you do not understand. If you can find this validation in therapy, or online, or in a hobby group, you may feel more respected.