[GenCat]

I have been curious ever since I have had a T.

Where is the line you do NOT cross when asking personal questions?
Either client to T, or even T to client. Of course T to client would have to ask a lot of personal questions, since its key to "getting personal" to getting help in therapy. But I'm just curious, have you ever asked something inappropriate or have you thought your T has to you, as a client? What happened, did you have to change T, did you loose trust or feel violated?

How personal is too personal in therapy?

[stopdog]

The woman asked me about my income once. I told her she was being paid in cash, that I was comfortable and that I was not going to discuss my finances with her. That was the end of it.

[WikidPissah]

I had a T once ask me if I ever orgasmed. Ick. I did not answer, we weren't anywhere near talking about sex at the time. I felt that was too personal.

I think you can ask a T anything, they may refuse to answer certain things. It really depends on the T. Some of them are an open book, others will talk about themselves but not their family, and others won't say anything.

Personally...I don't ask t's questions about themselves. I am paying to talk about me for 45 minutes. That doesn't mean it's wrong, it's just not my style. Funny though...because most of my t's have told me way too much about themselves.

[Melody_Bells]

Hi Gencat,

Thanks for this great topic! What an interesting question!

My T does not ask me personal questions, she waits for me to bring things up myself.

I used to ask T questions about herself, but she seemed to frown and disapprove of me asking her stuff, or just give me vague non-answers, so I learned to avoid asking her personal questions. I felt embarrassed and stupid.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The woman asked me about my income once. I told her she was being paid in cash, that I was comfortable and that I was not going to discuss my finances with her. That was the end of it.

I also was asked about income, but it was to determine the amount I pay on a sliding scale.

[Perna]

I think that would have an individual answer; some Ts might not discuss some things and some clients not other things, etc., I believe one has to ask to find out where the boundaries are and decide what one thinks about them, they aren't "obvious". If my T asked me something I did not want to answer, I would not answer :-) If I thought it was inappropriate or something, I'd ask why it was important or they'd asked it, etc. Since therapy is about the client, I assume a lot of therapists would not answer personal questions about themselves, their lives but it would not be wrong, bad, etc. to ask them, but, for me, the same condition would apply, what does it have to do with me and my therapy. I would not ask any question of anyone that did not have some basis other than my nosiness

[tinyrabbit]

I've never felt like my T has invaded my privacy. He charges on a sliding scale and never asked what I earn - he asked what I could pay which is a different question. He tends to only ask questions about things I've brought up. The only time I felt he invaded my boundaries wasn't really about the question he asked but because it made me think of something else.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by GenCat

I also was asked about income, but it was to determine the amount I pay on a sliding scale.

If there had been a reason other than what I considered to be mere personal curiosity on the therapist's part, I may not have objected.

I don't ask the woman personal questions, but mostly it is because I am not all that curious about her personally.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I rarely ask T personal questions, and when I do, it's usually in direct relation to what we're talking about. So far, T has not refused to answer anything, but I'm also super cautious about what I ask. I have had my own privacy so very violated by the people in my life, that I am super careful not to do that to others, and probably take it to a bit of an extreme.

As far as T asking me questions...so far, she hasn't asked me anything that I consider too personal, but she has asked me things that I'm not comfortable talking about right then. I usually just tell T "I'm not comfortable answering that" and we either move on or explore why it's something I'm not comfortable with. If I tell T I need to move away from a topic, she has always respected that. Sometimes, she'll ask me if we can come back to it later, because she feels it's important.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by GenCat

But I'm just curious, have you ever asked something inappropriate or have you thought your T has to you, as a client? What happened, did you have to change T, did you loose trust or feel violated?

No, I just told him I didn't want to talk about that. He bumped up against a boundary and I told him. That's what happens in real life too. It is useful for him to learn of things that are difficult for me to talk about. It lets him know where sensitivities lie and perhaps areas for future discussion or work. But not right now. It also gives him a chance to demonstrate his respect for me and my well-being by dropping the subject and honoring my wish that he desist. And that helps build trust. It is also useful for me to learn to maintain boundaries. Your question suggested a person might change Ts because of one question from the T? I would suggest at least give saying "don't want to talk about it" a chance before quitting therapy. If the T repeatedly pries into an area that he has been told is off limits, then I can see moving on.

[Moodswing]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I had a T once ask me if I ever orgasmed. Ick. I did not answer, we weren't anywhere near talking about sex at the time. I felt that was too personal.

I think you can ask a T anything, they may refuse to answer certain things. It really depends on the T. Some of them are an open book, others will talk about themselves but not their family, and others won't say anything.

Personally...I don't ask t's questions about themselves. I am paying to talk about me for 45 minutes. That doesn't mean it's wrong, it's just not my style. Funny though...because most of my t's have told me way too much about themselves.

OMG!! Me and my big mouth probally would have had a quick shock value comment like "Not lately...want to help me out?"

[herethennow]

i guess i'm too shy to ask her personal questions... my friend who shares the same pdoc as me have asked my pdoc her age though and her reply was very vague so i take it that she won't really answer questions.

as for personal questions directed to me.. not really. it's usually the needed questions that pops out.

My t is welcome to ask me anything ( and HAS!!) We get really personal. It seems like i can ask her anything as well. So far, she hasnt said anything i have asked her is too personal.

[BonnieJean]

Mine asked me about my personal fantasies once. I asked her why she wanted to know. She said it might be important and helpful. I didn't answer or share any fantasies. It felt too personal at the time.

I asked her what she was going thru in a given week once. I forget the exact circumstances. She said "oh, you'd just love it if I answered that, wouldn't you?!" And then didn't.

[murray]

With my T I don't set out to ask personal questions but I think on occasion as part of a discussion I have probably asked some. We've discussed many things and he often tells me things without my asking and I cant recall him ever refusing to answer something if I did ask....just cant recall ever asking...hmm

As far as T asking me questions, that's a bit different. Usually I am fine with whatever he asks and he is most often pretty respectful about things. Once in a while though he does ask about something that I would prefer not to answer. There I times I swear he is just nosey. I don't like when he asks me about money and that sort of thing and when I attempt to deflect the question or change the subject, he will push and act quite exasperated until I finally cave in and answer.

I can't imagine anything that would be too personal for my T to ask me about. I'm there to talk about me, and my T isn't actually curious about me, he's just doing his job to help me improve my mental state. He's asked about my religion a couple of times, which was way more embarrassing than when he's asked about my sex life. But that doesn't mean it's inappropriate or wrong for him to ask - he's my T, so he has the right to ask. And I have the right not to answer - though we have a recent agreement, T and I, that he needs to push harder for answers.

I don't ask T questions about himself, unless it's to do with my therapy. I asked him how long he has until retirement, which I felt was a bit too personal, but he understood why I wanted to know. He always emphasises that nothing verbal is out of bounds, so I guess it wouldn't be inappropriate for me to ask him whether he is married or has children or whatever - it just feels very wrong to ask, so I don't.

[GenCat]

I felt it a bit too much when my T told me her sister committed sui just a few months ago. But it was related to our topic of conversation. I didn't know how to respond to what she told me, so I just sat there looking at her helplessly feeling sorry for her.

T1 asked me how I dealt with my sexual feelings and what did I do with them. I sat there for a moment and realized what she was asking.
I said " T, do you mean ****?" and she said "yes".
Needless to say I did not go there with her.

[wotchermuggle]

I haven't been asked anything too too personal. Once a T prefaced a question with "I want to ask you a question, but I'm worried it mike make you upset." It was fine and I answered it.

With current T, any discussion about sex was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE at the beginning. Maybe if T was a she, it would be less weird. I'm more okay with it now.

[Miswimmy1]

In my opinion, if your therapist asks something that you feel is too personal, then just decline to answer. I think its up to you what you consider "personal"

[tinyrabbit]

My T has answered some personal questions. With others, he has explained that he's not going to answer. He has never just dodged or ignored a question.

Questions he has answered: is he in the age range I guessed, is he left or right handed, what was the supposedly shameful secret he wrote anonymously on a card in a training exercise he told me about, what was the other shameful secret he mentioned in passing, is he Catholic as he mentioned going to a Catholic school, is he religious, would he cancel my session if he had a cold, does he watch Doctor Who, is he a vegetarian, is he a neat freak.

Questions he has refused to answer: he wouldn't tell me his own therapist's gender - he said I was flooded with information and we needed to be careful about adding more. I can't think of any others right now actually.

[velcro003]

I never ask my T any personal questions, so anything I know about her I know bc she told me. If she does tell me anything, its in relation to whatever we are talking about. I know she has kids and their general ages.

She once asked me if I had sexual fantasies, and I just stared at her, and then said no and moved on. I avoid that subject like it is on fire, so i am sure if i ever were to bring it up, the "too embarrassing" questions would emerge. Genrally though, my T follows my lead-so this really is not an issue

[Freewilled]

I have never asked my T any personal questions and really, I cannot imagine doing so....I would be really embarrassed and figure he wouldn't answer anyway. I mean, wouldn't it put him on the spot and make him uncomfortable? I would never want to make him feel that way.

He has asked me lots of questions, but they are always related to whatever we're talking about at the time and I have never felt like he's just asking out of curiosity or anything. I think if he did, it would really bother me.

[WikidPissah]

I don't think a question makes a t uncomfortable. They can choose whether or not to answer. They get all kinds of questions.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I had a T once ask me if I ever orgasmed. Ick. I did not answer, we weren't anywhere near talking about sex at the time. I felt that was too personal.

My T once asked "do you ever masturbate while watching porn". I curtly replied "no I only watch it for the character development and plot." I think her question was stupid but I didn't really feel it was too personal. Then she started asking about what kind of porn I watch. She responded weirdly as if there was something wrong with women enjoying gay male porn. I could tell that she was thinking it must be something relevant to my psych develop ment.