[1stepatatime]

Last evening a close friend and I were talking about therapy. I told my friend that I hate it when I have nothing to say during my session...how uncomfortable it is. My friend said maybe there is a reason that I have nothing to say....maybe it is because I don't need to be there anymore. I thought about it for a minute then pretty much dismissed it.
Today I pondered my friends comments some more. Sometimes it feels like I am okay and that I don't need that outside support. Then there are the times where I feel so alone, so disheartened, and wishing that I could go to therapy twice a week.
It is like a roller coaster....being concerned about T abandoning me or not caring enough
to me keeping really busy either around the house or with my social life to where I just don't know if I need therapy. And yes, I have thought that perhaps keeping extra busy is a way to avoid dealing with sh**.
My T wants ME to initiate the session, to lead.,,,that is freaking hard when I'm having difficulty going deep inside to get to the root of my challenges.
I dunno.....just some thoughts.....

[Asiablue]

Maybe this is a question of Need Versus Want? Do you need therapy to function, probably not but there's more to life than just functioning. Are there things in your life, aspects of your personality or the way you respond to life events that you want to improve... in which case therapy is needed.
The fact that you still have worries about your t abandoning you or that you are avoiding dealing with things by keeping busy suggests to me that your work isn't done yet.

It's always good to evaluate your reasons for being in therapy, asking yourself whether your work is done but if you feel you need to be there, then you probably do.

[Victoria'smom]

Maybe you should space out your appointments?

In therapy we find more words to describe our inner states. At first it is hard. There are silences. With time we become able to explore what the silence means to us. As we talk this is where the work happens. It feels unorganised. A skilled T helps you as you first stumble & struggle to put words where there haven't been any.

1stepatatime,
There at so many different thoughts and conflictions here, you must be worn
out from all of this thinking and ruminating.
First, I think you are struggling with justifying being in therapy. You deserve this for yourself. So now you find yourself struggling to open the sessions. I think that your t is trying to get you to lead and tell her what is most important for you right now to work on, do you think this is what she is doing?
You don't have anything to say, I hear you say but you are keeping so busy to avoid all of these inner conflictions...I hear, busy, busy, busy...maybe you are trying to stop these things from coming out, trying to push the things you went to therapy for in the first place back down inside again, hide them. This will not work and we all know it wont
Try to think of your inside as a pond (i know, its strange but trust me?)
We through all of the hard stuff(emotions, feelings) to the bottom of our pond, like rocks and they sink to our unconcious. Now, somebody else comes along and throws a rock into our pond and it disturbs the bed of emotions at the bottom and all the feelings rise again but this time the water is murky and unsettled, we are in distress and don't know what to do with our feelings.
Therapy will help us to bring those feelings to the surface and work through them so they can't rise and unsettle us.
Do you know what it is exactly that you are trying to run away from by keeping so busy?
I think if you bring this up at your next session that are struggling to express what is going on for you right now and that you might need some help because you don't feel ready to take the lead just yet.
I worry that you are not being honest with t about how lonely and disheartened you feel and that you can't tell anyone IRL about these feelings only your t. I think this is a good enough reason to be in therapy alone

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Maybe this is a question of Need Versus Want? Do you need therapy to function, probably not but there's more to life than just functioning. Are there things in your life, aspects of your personality or the way you respond to life events that you want to improve... in which case therapy is needed.
The fact that you still have worries about your t abandoning you or that you are avoiding dealing with things by keeping busy suggests to me that your work isn't done yet.

It's always good to evaluate your reasons for being in therapy, asking yourself whether your work is done but if you feel you need to be there, then you probably do.

Hi,Asiablue
At the end of the day, I know that I want to be in therapy....that I need to be there because I have unresolved issues that go very far back into my childhood and more than likely, my infancy. To be honest, I think I was questioning because I absolutely hate those awkward silences that have been occurring more frequently during my sessions. I feel like a fish out
of water....it makes me squirm! So off I go tomorrow and hopefully won't experience too many moments of that noisy silence!! Have a good night...
P.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

1stepatatime,
There at so many different thoughts and conflictions here, you must be worn
out from all of this thinking and ruminating.
First, I think you are struggling with justifying being in therapy. You deserve this for yourself. So now you find yourself struggling to open the sessions. I think that your t is trying to get you to lead and tell her what is most important for you right now to work on, do you think this is what she is doing?
You don't have anything to say, I hear you say but you are keeping so busy to avoid all of these inner conflictions...I hear, busy, busy, busy...maybe you are trying to stop these things from coming out, trying to push the things you went to therapy for in the first place back down inside again, hide them. This will not work and we all know it wont
Try to think of your inside as a pond (i know, its strange but trust me?)
We through all of the hard stuff(emotions, feelings) to the bottom of our pond, like rocks and they sink to our unconcious. Now, somebody else comes along and throws a rock into our pond and it disturbs the bed of emotions at the bottom and all the feelings rise again but this time the water is murky and unsettled, we are in distress and don't know what to do with our feelings.
Therapy will help us to bring those feelings to the surface and work through them so they can't rise and unsettle us.
Do you know what it is exactly that you are trying to run away from by keeping so busy?
I think if you bring this up at your next session that are struggling to express what is going on for you right now and that you might need some help because you don't feel ready to take the lead just yet.
I worry that you are not being honest with t about how lonely and disheartened you feel and that you can't tell anyone IRL about these feelings only your t. I think this is a good enough reason to be in therapy alone

Thanks so much, Mona...you will make a great T.:-) Yes...it is hard for me to be totally candid with my T regarding my feelings sometimes...I struggle for fear that I will loose her...that's that screwed up abandonment crap that rears it's ugly head sometimes. My T has a pretty good picture of who I am and what goes on with me....she is very intuitive. I have tried to tell her how hard it is for me to take the lead but she says although a part of her wants to rescue me she knows that it wouldn't be helpful for me... maybe if I get frustrated enough and tell her to f....off then perhaps she will help? anyway, I know I need to be there, uncomfortable silences and all....yuck
Thanks as always for your support....have a good night
P.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

In therapy we find more words to describe our inner states. At first it is hard. There are silences. With time we become able to explore what the silence means to us. As we talk this is where the work happens. It feels unorganised. A skilled T helps you as you first stumble & struggle to put words where there haven't been any.

Hey, Mouse
You say it so eloquently...and it really feels unorganized...all mixed up to where I can't articulate it many times. I think my T is very skilled but I'm still waiting for her to help me find the words...
Thanks for your words
P.