[Lily]

I want to see him all of the time and not at all. We had a little tiff over scheduling but it stirred up a lot of things in me.

For starters, why do I have to be the one to call when we have a falling out - which I hate. But, he always sees my side of the argument and lets me redeem myself - which I love.

Wny do I always feel guilty after we argue and fear losing him and feel a need to apologize which I hate. But he knows not to take advantage of me in my sometime fagile state - which I love.

Why does he always seem to know the best time to bring something up that I don't even think is on the radar - which I hate. But, he seems to prepare me for whatever comes up - which I love.

Why do I care so much about someone I hardly know - which I hate. But why does someone take the interest in my well-being like he does - which I love.

I used to ask myself some of these qustions so much that I flat out asked them of my therapist at that time.

"why do I have to be the one to call when we have a falling out"

Because she was giving me time to think the situation through. Sometimes when things get heated up during therapy sometimes the arguments are not about a disagreement between the therapist and the client. sometimes its about the emotion of being made to look at the problem from all sides including the sides the client does not want to think about or admit happening with them or their life. being made to look at your problems and past experiences is not easy.

Another reason she gave me is that

friends chase each other down to make sure each other is ok and work problems between them out.

Therapists are there to do a job and that job is to work during therapy on things with the client not chasing down their clients everytime one does not agree with them. If they did that they would not have time for therapy sesssions because they will be so busy trying to be their clients friends calling them to work out disagreements each and every time the client does not agree during therapy sessions with the therapist. Therapy isn't chatting with a friend its having problems and looking at all sides of that including times when clients don't agree with them.

"Wny do I always feel guilty after we argue and fear losing him and feel a need to apologize"

what happened in the past as a child. in my family if there was a problem between me and another family member it was my fault and those that did not agree with me left the room or whatever.

And whats the first thing a parent tells a child when caught fighting with a sibling or anyone - "go say you're sorry to so and so and you won't do it again" Children are trained from the get go that whenever there is a fight that they have to go and say Im sorry.

"Why does he always seem to know the best time to bring something up that I don't even think is on the radar"

They have been trained in college and during their internship and supervision to not only pay attention to what the person is saying but also their body language - the way the client is sitting, facial expressions, movements, tone of voice, eye contact and so on. It is by using these "invisible messenges that therapists are able to know when to bring something up.

"Why do I care so much about someone I hardly know"

Therapists are a "captuve audiance" we have their undivided attention for a whole 50 minutes. Everyone likes having someone pay attention to just them.

Also human beings are a "social species" they can like or dislike anyone that they meet upon first meeting the other person or learn to like them by finding common grounds. Humans have learned that to survive they sometimes need other human beings. When a person finds common ground or agreeable characteristics in the person they are seeing they "like" them. When there is no common ground and no agreeable characteristics then the person does NOT like the other person. just part of being human.

"why does someone take the interest in my well-being like he does"

Because that is a therapist job. they are getting paid to take time with their clients and be interested in what the client is doing. drop the financial part of seeing a therapist and see how fast therapists loose interest.

[Sarah116]

They are very busy and I suppose it is more convenient.

[Evangelista]

All the things u described are a part of the therapeutic alliance you are forming...and the Therapy itself...

IMO it is the Relationship, that is just as much of a factor in the Therapy as the techniques a T is trained to use...and a good therapist will help you understand the whole process as it unfolds...but what your describing..smile..I think most can relate to..good luck in Therapy..

Eva...

[DaveyJones]

T's--can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!

DJ

[Lily]

Myself,

I have been down with the flu and have not been able to respond until now.

You are one courageous person to actually ask these questions.

I really appreciate your post. Having to reach out to my therapist instead of him ever reaching back for me has always been a source of tension for me. It helps to be reminded that a T only has so many hours in a day and it is a paid relationship.

I am going to print out your post so I have something to refer back to when I feel frustrated or slighted.

Thanks again for your insight.

[Lily]

You are right Sarah - they are busy. Everyone is busy; the fry guy at McDonald's is busy as is the President of the United States. Heck, I am busy too. Sometimes too busy to deal with therapy and the fallout.

I am a fairly easy client in the big scheme of things. I don't call very often. I show up on time and I leave on time and I would do that even if therapy didn't have such strict boundaries.

I was just irritated and needed to grumble for awhile. I have to keep in mind that my T is busy and might say or do something hastily that rubs me the wrong way and be more forgiving about it.

[Lily]

Evangelista,

My T doesn't share the process that much with me or how I am doing at any given time. I suppose I should take more responsibiliy for that. It might make me love him or hate him even more.

you're welcome. I too sometimes print off posts so that I can refer back to them when I need to so print away and hang in there.