[~EnlightenMe~]

75 Nice Things People Say to Shut Up Your Feelings

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for posting this!

[Miswimmy1]

One that stuck out for me was the "just breathe" one. i think that is not invalidating. my t says it all the time to ground me.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

One that stuck out for me was the "just breathe" one. i think that is not invalidating. my t says it all the time to ground me.

Yeah, that one sounds more caring.

Another I don't like is "If you could only hear the way you sound right now..."
I KNOW how I sound and the point is you are not listening to my words and HEARING what I am saying.

Thanks for this list, great info.

[WikidPissah]

I have a friend, if I say anything about something bad going on with me, her response is always "OH, I had that happen to me, but mine was much worse" Well, not exactly that, but she always goes into a story of a worse thing. Drives me batty...I just say "swell" when she asks how I am now.

Thanks for posting Anti it is only when we go to therapy that we realise how much we aren't listened to IRL ( some of us in therapy too)!
I hate it when people try and have a competition to see who's situation is worst, like your friends wiki, would drive me batty too.
My mom always says" oh so your feeling bad, here let me give you something to complain about" and slaps me silly.
We Irish never ccomplain about anything but we are a nation of sympathisers.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Sorta- Ugh, did you say, I can hear myself? Unbelievable.

Wiki -- Yes, the invalidating one-upper would drive me batty, too!

Mona - I never understood that statement, it's almost like you want to say, no, I already have something to complain about, but I appreciate the offer.

[Moodswing]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

75 Nice Things People Say to Shut Up Your Feelings

Great site. Thanks for posting.

[elliemay]

Some of those are quite eggregious, others, well, not so much.

I also hate the "one-upper", or those who take what you say and make it about themselves or how they feel. It's just sad.

On the flip side though, does everything have to be validated? (1) isn't there some intrinsic validation that comes first and foremost and (2) sometimes are we just wrong? Isn't it helpful to hear some of those things - especially from the people we love?

I know some of the things that come out of my mouth are just, well, self-indulgent whining. I'm aware and open to that and grateful when people point it out to me sometimes.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all about emotional support and caring, but relationships also have to be about truth. Sometimes I can't see it. Isn't a healthy relationship also being about openess to another's truth?

Is it that much of a threat that we can't say "you know, maybe you ARE right I need to listen at how I sound."

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Some of those are quite eggregious, others, well, not so much.

You are posting to this post and it involves you and your feelings and relates to your experiences. Is that really sad? I don't think so. I think you are stating your opinion.

Refraining from making invalidating statements in no way is equivalent to validating everything other people do. Some have intrinsic validation, some don't, but that isn't what this is about. Of course, sometimes we are wrong, and I have no issues hearing that from others, at least those who mean well. Sometimes the offered suggestions intended to "help" a person really have more to do with the person offering the suggestions. IMO

What if what you perceive someone as engaging in self-indulgent whining, and you let her know what you think about what she is doing? Are you doing it because you really care about them? Because you want them to be a better person according to your beliefs? Or maybe what they are doing is annoying you, which is your truth? Do you think that saying "You should listen to how you sound?" is going to help make things better? How about, I feel as if you are speaking sarcastically to me. That way, the person can consider what is being said, and can consider whether it is something she needs to change or it is the other person's issues.

I am not saying that people can't say what their reactions are to others or be honest. I think a healthy relationship is about openness and about communicating in the most effective manner. I still have work to do in this area, and I don't know everything. But I do believe that invalidating statements rarely, if ever, have a place in healthy communication. But, it depends on the person.

Again, validation isn't agreeing with someone's emotions, it is an act of not discounting the other person's experience. You can talk about truths without doing this.

."

Is it that much of a threat that we can't say "you know, maybe you ARE right I need to listen at how I sound

Is it that difficult to say, I feel like you are yelling at me/talking down to me/being disrespectful with your tone, etc., instead of telling someone that they should listen to how they sound? Again, not saying it in the above manner, and stating it as I did here, is not validating the other person, it is informing them of how you feel about what they are doing without telling them what to do.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

75 Nice Things People Say to Shut Up Your Feelings

>>> It’s your choice to feel/react/respond that way. (They’re off the hook for their actions.) -

Here's something I have even heard on PC. And i never could articulate what was wrong with it - but here it is! exactly!! thanks Antimatter !!!!