A Moral Judgment

I'm astounded that you are still seeing him, I just don't understand. It's clear to me, anyway, that this is only continuing to hurt you and making it impossible to move on from. Every time you see him, it seems, you will be re-traumatized. Are you continuing to see him in the hopes that he will admit to what you accuse him of and apologize? This just seems so unhealthy for you -what are you gaining from it? Can you file your complaint and see another therapist?

It seems that you do not have control over what has already happened, and you can also not control whether he will ever admit to this, but one thing out of all of this that you do have control over, is to pull out of this relationship, which is obviously so hurtful to you. No matter what happened, no matter what will happen, this is something you can do for yourself.

The difference here is that these aren't red flags, they are out and out accusations, with no shadow of a doubt on the part of the OP, in addition to a legal case that has been put in motion; I think this might be very different from your situation.

IT's still very hard.


and it wasn't so different as you think.

Syra, my point was to illustrate what would happen if an attorney gets involved in the "case." Michelle talked about taking or not taking certain actions to protect her "case." AS AN ATTORNEY, I would use the fact that she continued to see the guy against her on the stand, and I was trying to help her by making her aware of that fact. I did not and I do not attack her on a personal level for her decision, but if she really is worried about the strength of her case, I thought it was something she should be aware of. I do not appreciate the insinuation given that I was trying to help and tried to make that clear.

If she was seeking legal advice I think what you said is probably true and very helpful to consider - although I'm not convinced from what I've read that she went there for more therapy. I thought she went to see if they could resolve this sufficiently that she could either continue, or not hurt so much as she left. I still don't think that is dishonorable thing. I don't think it's necessarily foolish either. Sometimes what is in one's mental health interests is not the same thing as what is in their legal interests. Sometimes its a lousy choice.

I think she was hurting. I think she was trying to salvage a most painful experience and relationship so that it wouldn't be so painful. I think she was sharing her hurt becuase it hurt so very very much.

Maybe she didn't do the best thing. Maybe. Maybe it's not what you would have done. We all have our own journeys.

Thanks mixedup. I'm glad your T at least told you what was going on but I'm sorry he didn't apologize. I don't understand why he didn't apologize. Does he have to feel sooo superior to you? Doesn't he think he can help someone while still being a living, breathing, human being that makes mistakes? Does admitting such a grave error make them feel unworthy to treat you? Do you think they fear themselves a failure if they "own" the error of their ways. I don't necessarily hold T's to a higher standard (o.k. maybe a little) but we sure hold teachers, clergy and doctors to a higher level don't we? These are so-called professional fields and a certain degree of standards, I think, are expected by someone well educated. I don't see such professionals as being excused from any moral standard at all. If we don't stand up and force them to see that they are taking advantage of their status, then we are being negligent too. We all see parents standing up to teachers (right or wrong). But the case of standing up to some other professionals appears to be much more difficult to pursue. Sorry, I've somehow gotten on a soapbox. All I wanted to say is that I agree with you Mixedup, in that I too believe an apology can go a long way. Don't we still teach our children that philosophy anymore? Or, do we now teach them to deny everything and it will go away?

Thank you so much for your post.

Cool - You are right, and I agree, that continuing to see him is extremely painful and likely counterproductive. But I still feel like I need him somehow. I know it doesn't make sense but I'm no brainer over here.

Syra is reading me to a "T" tonight. I am hurting very, very, much. More than even my T can appreciate. Hard to explain to someone who was not attached to or emotionally connected with their T. First I had the trauma of his betrayal of me, then my own manager, then realized there were also more people I worked with involved in this cover-up. Dealing with it all is disheartening and overwhelming for me. My T used to help me. He was a comfort to me that I desperately needed. In spite of all that he allegedly did, I felt a strong need to work it out with him directly. I cared for him, no need for reciprocity. I do/did not want to file any action at all. I believe the ONLY way I can ever work this out is with his cooperation and I can't get that. He refuses to see me half way. This is so upsetting. I cannot see "getting over it" as he would like me to do. I'm sure that he (and others) would like me to disappear right now. I want that too. I don't want to face this mess. I feel very alone in this fight for what I feel is justice. Some people (like my T) may think it is not a big deal, that I'm making too much of it. But it is not THEIR privacy that has been violated. They just took mine from me and I don't believe they gave me any consideration at all. I personally believe, they viewed me as an insignificant piece of trash who didn't matter one way or the other. A roll of the dice, we take her or lose her kind of attitude. It didn't matter to them if I got hurt in the long run or not. These are just thoughts I have, they are not facts. I am merely expressing how I feel. I may be wrong, I hope I'm wrong, but I really do feel this way.

I am so grateful to all who have posted here. You've really listened to me and that means a lot. I think you have all helped me. I don't have many I can discuss this with and no one quite understands the way you at PC do. Syra has practically read my mind, you have relayed exactly how I feel and that is comforting.

It's hard for me to completely break it off with T since I am in a vulnerable state right now. I did break it off and stopped seeing him for some time but I suffered. I went back, as Syra said, to try to work things out. I have not gone back numerous times, just a handful. I know I will have to stop altogether very soon and I appreciate the advice of "My Kids are Cool". I will give it a lot of thought. I was seriously hoping/believing my T would come around and tell me everything. I would be fuming mad and extremely hurt (as I am now) but he would say he was very sorry for doing this to me. He would tell me he underestimated me. He would promise (because I would insist) that he would Never do such a thing to anyone ever again. Then, after many weeks of negotiating we would come to some kind of understanding. We would find some kind of closure to all this together. Then I could walk away with a clear conscience (even if I were still mad) and so could my T.

Michelle25, I get this.

Of course, it hurts. How could it NOT hurt? You have allowed someone to see the most vulnerable parts of you, you have shared your biggest fears, you have trusted another individual and allowed them to see some of your deepest wounds...and you feel betrayed.

I think you are experiencing your own T's limitations and they have nothing to do with you.

I am curious why you viewed yourself (or their opinion of you) "as an insignificant piece of trash". You suggested you think your T's could roll the dice, and take it or leave it. You believe you don't matter at all. Is this really true? Is there anything in your past that made you feel unimportant, not valued, insignificant?

I wonder what you mean by experiencing my "T's limitations" can you explain that a little?

It is clear to me that they view me as an "insignificant piece of trash" because they have stepped all over me and have been laughing about it behind my back. All this was done, I presume, in an attempt to make them "look" like they were good people. If they had any remorse for what they've done, they would have owned up to it by now. Instead they have only shown themselves to be hopeless egotists. They have belittled, embarrassed and humiliated me in front of countless others who were my friends. My T has ruined my reputation and the more I go on the more upset I become.

Just because I trust people, just because I care about people and believe in love, oh and just because I may be a bit innocent, does not make me a doormat or warrant some psychological label that T has dreamed up. He can rip me apart with his psychological babble for all I care now. He has already hurt me more than anyone could. I was looking for help and he was looking for what? Glory, applause, intrigue, a little fun maybe (all at my expense)? I have practically nothing left. Doesn't matter to him or her. They have theirs and that's all that matters isn't it?

Are you sensing some anger over here? That's just the tip of my iceberg.

I don't know your history with your T so my comment was based only on what you typed in your own posts on this thread. I may be projecting my own stuff here, too.

But. There is a possibility your T may be experiencing some (negative) countertransference towards you based on his own history. This may be limiting his ability to help you.

Since you mentioned "they" in your response, I am a little confused. Do you have more than one T? Who are "they"? From what I read above, you feel there is some conspiracy by "them" against you? You don't necessarily have to post your answers here, especially if you believe this may become some future legal action but just ask yourself...is T's ( or "their") actions/decisions/responses re-enacting a time where you felt helpless? Insignificant.

I have witnessed, firsthand, good T's make errors and overcompensate in a way, that leaves a client looking like, feeling like and BELIEVING they are responsible. In those specific situations, I believe the T's have difficulty in acknowledging their own shortcomings. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to call them egotists, some are not even aware.

Take care of yourself.