T emailed me to confirm session

I've been fine these past two weeks with no session and no emailing. There's been a lot going on in my community and I've been busy. I haven't thought about my T much at all until maybe yesterday.

She wrote that she couldn't locate the email exchange we had about this week. Maybe that's all for the best since I broke the rule and got upset.

Today I broke the rule again, but it's different. Sort of. I think so, anyway. I didn't write about missing her, but just about some sad events that have happened recently. Not to me, but I'm involved. I know it could have waited, but I'm a little worried I may catch the stomach flu my H just got over. Not too worried because if I do, I do. I realized these past few weeks that what happens is not in my control. I have to just try to live in the moment and take one day at a time.

So, it was a different attitude in my email. I was educating her about something, in a way. Sorry but I don't want to give details. It wasn't about her, and not about me, particularly.

This thread is neither here nor there. I suppose I'm a little worried about seeing my T and all the transference happening again. I think that's why I'm writing, actually. I put the image of my T from my last session out of my mind, but when I see her again, I'm afraid those feelings will jump right back out again.

I don't want to avoid her. I want to be in the present as she wants me to be but seeing her makes me feel too much. I know it's because of all she means to me, which is mostly transference. It's like I want to be with her 100% but not in a sexual way. I realize that now, but it's still hard to deal with. It's sad because it's unreal. She's not perfect and I know that. It's those "wanting" feelings; they are so hard to accept. I've been trying to ignore them but that doesn't work.

When T wants me to look around the room, I want to look at her. Last session I looked at her for at least half the session and I didn't feel anything. It was an experiment. So it's all in my mind. What I mean is that I purposely turned off my feelings for her though I don't know how I accomplished that. It's still confusing to me, and I don't want to confront these feelings anymore.

So sorry you are going through this therapy alone is hard in itself then throw in the transference and wham I do hope you have a good session

when emotions regarding T are so heavy and take over your therapy, it sucks. trust me, i know. i feel for you. hang in there. there's a reason for it all. just wanted you to know i relate

Today I broke the rule again, but it's different. Sort of. I think so, anyway. I didn't write about missing her, but just about some sad events that have happened recently. Not to me, but I'm involved. I know it could have waited, but I'm a little worried I may catch the stomach flu my H just got over

I mentioned before about trying to find ways 'around' what has been agreed between the two of you. Was what you two agreed concerning e-mail specific to, 'you *can* e-mail *unless* it's about your relationship with her?' Why did you feel the need to e-mail her about your H's flu? It's justified because it doesn't only have to do with you, but also has to do with your H? Your mind has amazing ways of justifying things for yourself. I think maybe if you read this with a different point of view, down the line, you might see this.

But what the heck, your therapist will probably be fine with it. I do kind of wish though that you could say, "I felt like e-mailing, even though we agreed not to, but I did it anyway." Period. Not the end of the world. Owning it. And then moving on. Because frankly, the above sounds super-manipulative to me.

Rainbow, it sounds like you are winding down therapy with T or have you two decided to keep going?

The longing for connection is understandable given that you were talking about stopping with her? If I were down to my last sessions I'd feel frantic too.

Hope you are ok.

The main part of what I emailed my T had nothing to do with my H's flu. I didn't mean that at all when I said "it has nothing to do with me or with my T". I wrote about something else entirely.

When I start a thread, my feelings are often tentative. I write spontaneously and then I think about it more after I see it in print and when I get responses.

I know that the email rule is for ME, so I won't obsess about my T and make HER more important than my "real life". What I emailed is the opposite and shows I'm getting healthier. So, I think it's okay and not manipulative at all. But you're right. My post should have been what you wrote. I emailed my T and I don't feel guilty about it, and I'm not triggered. I just wanted her to know some information, and Wednesday would be too late. I feel very good about the way I handled the week with no therapy. What I wrote at the end of my post is to discuss in my session; I didn't bother T with that stuff again.

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I think the point is that it is manipulative behavior because you are justifying breaking the rule.

It doesn't matter that your email had nothing to do with your relationship with your T, the point is that you emailed your T and justified contacting her.
Most clients wait until their session unless it is a life or death matter.

You acknowledge you broke the rule, so you consciously know what you did was "wrong."

Seriously people, she only broke a rule about emailing her T. She didn't actually harm anyone. She's trying not to focus too much on her T and she is struggling with it, therefore making justifications to herself. ...So?

Not all of us only email for life or death matters, also. It depends on the individuals involved and the T's particular policies. I've emailed my T for all kinds of totally not life-or-death reasons and I'm really not ashamed of it...

Thanks, growly. I'm fine! My T suggested that I quit therapy at the end of the year, mostly because it seems to interfere with my relationship with my H. I may wait until March when I really have to quit because of insurance reasons.

I don't feel frantic. I actually think I'm working much harder now than I dd before. It's my attitude about therapy, not that therapy hurts my marriage. I also think my H uses that as an excuse; my feelings about my T are not the cause of the problem; I think they may the result of the problem.

I still have to learn to accept that my strong transference feelings for my T may never totally disappear. I'm working on that.

Stringcheese, it's not black or white. It's not a case of manipulation but I'll ask my T what she thinks, when/if I see her tomorrow, and I'll let you know. I always used to email her; it was NEVER life or death matters, and it was perfectly fine with her. I decided to try and stop now, and she agreed for me to try. The rule of her not emailing back is the more important one and that's the one SHE made. I didn't ask her to email me back because I know she won't.

boreporcupine, thanks for understanding. I'm really okay with what I did because my attitude is different, and it's all good!!!

I think what people are referring to about manipulation is really more about the justification. Kind of like saying you're quitting smoking... but then having a cigarette because you're having a hard day, or smoking half a cigarette in the basement where it doesn't count, or picking up someone's discarded butt and taking a drag before putting it out. Those things are all still smoking, even if there are reasons why it seems 'different'.

I have nothing useful to say but wanted to leave (((hugs))).

Thanks, pbutton. Yes, I understand your point. The fact is I broke the rule and I'm justifying it. I agree, but therapy rules aren't like the law. At least in my therapy, my T and I have discussed the email "rules" a lot. The rules have changed because we have both agreed on the changes. But they aren't written in stone, especially when it comes to my emailing her. She doesn't answer, doesn't even have to read beyond the sentence where I confirmed my appointment day and time. But if I decide to email her and it doesn't make me more attached to her, then it's all right. I am going to ask her about it tomorrow, though. Maybe I'm wrong. If she tells me not to email her ever, except for scheduling, then I'll discuss it and if she doesn't agree with me, I'll have to do as she requests.